The Impression that I Get

Tell Me a Story

2012-02-13T23:59:00.008Z

Recognise the man in the video below?

Correct. It's the late Steve Jobs - Rest In Peace - giving his famous 2005 Stanford Commencement speech. At the same time, although it wasn't his intention, he's giving a masterclass in copywriting.

By encouraging people to follow their dreams, it's inspiring. By drawing on his own experiences of adversity, it's poignant. It connects with people's emotions and moves them to action. It's one of the best speeches I've ever heard. It's beautiful.

And how does he do it? With one of copywriting's most effective techniques: some good ole storytelling! People love to hear stories, and Mr Jobs's story, as Apple-ites and non-Apple-ites alike know or will imagine, is particularly engaging.

By telling his own stories but making them relevant to his audience, Mr Jobs taps into people's emotions. By explaining what he learned, he rewards them. By combining the two, he moves them to action. Brilliant.

Whether you're a techie or not, whether you're a copywriter or not, listen to this speech and learn from it. Your future starts now!

(Licence link: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/.)

Spice up your life - or search engine optimise it!

2012-02-09T17:42:00.006Z

I work in two areas: copywriting and customer service. Part of copywriting involves what we marketers call search engine optimisation. That's SEO, for short.

This means designing, writing and structuring websites and their content in such a way so that they rank highly when you search for a certain product, service or piece of information on Google. The purpose is to attract lots of visitors to the website and then, once they're there, persuade them to buy the company's product or hire its service.

But I feel you can apply some SEO aspects to life too and have a little more fun. Here's how:

Keywords
When people search in Google, they search for something specific. SEO specialists identify the most popular terms used in searches for specific items, services, etc. and tailor the website and the content, or part of them, to these searches. In SEO, we call these terms '(meta)keywords'.

So what are you searching for? A new job? A new home? A new love? What is it about them that would make you happy? Identify the important aspects - these are your 'keywords' - and base your project on them. Once you know what you're searching for, you can optimise your own search. In other words, you can tailor it to achieve the best results: to live a happier life.

Links

Links are a great way to optimise your website. Ideally, your links should be to good quality websites or to benchmark websites. If these link back to you, they'll optimise your website even better: Google puts quality before quantity. Of course, the more high-quality links on your website, the better. And these links may even generate more links.

We all have friends, family and workmates or colleagues. These are our links. Live a happier life by spending time with family and friends (the high quality links!). Visit them, go places with them, have fun with them. They can introduce you to new 'links': new friends, new experiences or even a new love.

Looking for a job? Chat to workmates. See who or what they know, what links they can offer. Do that and you may just increase your happiness on the work front.

Headings

All good copywriters know that headings are crucial for copy, especially on websites. Internet users scan text before they read it (a kind of internet look-before-you-leap equivalent!). Breaking up a text with headings gives it structure, and makes the text easier for readers to scan and go straight to what they're looking for. A whopping big block of text, on the other hand, will frighten them away.

SEO-wise, headings are a chance to slip in some good ole keywords and optimise your site further! They make the website more useable in the eyes of St Google too.

But what does these headings mean for your life? Well, you should never let one part of your life absorb all the rest. 'Family/Partners', 'Friends', 'Work' and 'Education' are just a few of our life headings or sections. Try to split your time up evenly.

If you work or study a lot, find time to play, for the other headings can disappear if the links aren't strong enough. If you spend lots of time with your friends, be sure to always find time for your partner too, and don't let your social or personal life interfere with your work.

Ultimately, try to find balance.

Alt Text

This term refers to the text beneath images that describes the image content for the visually impaired.

How the Dickens (since he's topical at the moment!) does this apply to life, you ask. Well, take plenty of pictures and capture as many of those special moments as you can. Then you can enjoy explaining your adventures when you show your friends and family the photos.

If there's one thing I've sometimes regretted, it's that I didn't bring a camera with me to certain events (like the Motley Crü e concert, darn it!). The ones I have brought it to, I've loved looking back over the photos.

Okay, so I stretched that last little analogy a bit... but hey, aren't we here to have fun?

And if you're an SEO specialist, or even if you're not, perhaps you can optimise my joie de vie with some of your own SEO lessons for life!

Codename Copywriter: How Crime Novels, Thrillers and Spy Fiction Can Improve Your Copywriting

2012-02-01T18:56:00.007Z

I love the ability of crime, thriller and spy fiction authors to hook us with twists and turns to the very end. I admire their general storytelling panache. Recently, it occurred to me that they'd make tremendous copywriters.

How so?

Short sentences

One reason these novels move so fast is that they contain short sentences. Writers keep the narrative crisp - and the reader turning the pages - with short sentences. In fact, they've become a James Ellroy hallmark.

Good copy does the same. You've got to grab the reader's attention and hold it. Dip into a decent crime or thriller and see how it's done.

Attention to detail

One of the terrific things about fiction is the attention to detail. I love the sharp observations that make a certain novel so characteristic of its genre. The George Smiley trilogy is masterful at it. Only in Smiley's world would you mistrust the postman or postwoman, teachers or lecturers; and would seemingly innocent conversations be loaded with codewords and secret messages.

Copywriters must pay attention to detail, especially while researching products and target audiences. Do so and you can sell things from angles the competition has never even thought of. Tickety-boo!

Do tell, but not too soon

Ninety-nine per cent of the time, copywriting gets the product's star benefit, the unique selling point (USP), straight off its chest rather than bottling it up inside. We can't always save the best till last. By that time, you could have lost your audience.

However, sometimes it's good for copy to keep the reader in suspense. How do our friends in the crime, spy and thriller world do it? By delivering bit by bit. The end of each chapter normally has a twist that compels us to keep reading. Of course, you don't get the twist, the whole twist and nothing but the twist: you just get part of it.

We can do this in copywriting. Veil your benefit in mystery slightly to make your audience read on for closure. Don't string it out too long, however. And make sure you reward them for reading to the end. If you don't, they'll feel cheated and angry.

Right...

I'm off to continue with The Honourable Schoolboy (I'm gagging to know if Smiley nails Karla in the end! But don't tell me just yet!).

Have any novelists influenced your own writing or, for that matter, your life, even? I'd love to hear who they are.

Blog-o-sitting

2012-01-26T20:37:00.005Z

Read an interesting blog article by copywriting titan Bob Bly, in which the intrepid wordsmith discussed one of the dilemmas of blogging.

Mr Bly was worried about the time he'd been away from his blog and how, by not posting for several months, fewer people were now commenting on his blog posts. He was asking if you should blog frequently, even if you have nothing to say, just to keep people coming back to the blog. Hmmm...

Content is...

King. We all know that on Planet Wordsmith. To keep people returning to a blog you need to create content that people enjoy. (It optimises your site as well because people link their sites to it or share it with their friends, and if you're skilful enough they'll do both).

Lousy content drives people away, whereas good content attracts loyal followers who frequently return for more. One of my favourite bloggers hasn't posted for six months, but I still go back to it, hoping a new post will crop up. One day she'll grant me my wish, though!

What are you going to do about it?

My advice is don't worry. Think of the cinema and literature trilogies we follow. J.K. Rowling may have taken a while between Harry Potter novels, but people still clamoured to read them. Lord of the Rings fans hadn't found something else by the time parts two and three came out on the big screen.

Don't forget how disappointed we feel when a novel feels rushed or robs us of a good ending. There's nothing worse than a spy novel, detective novel or thriller which wraps up with a cavalry-coming-over-the hill-style finale. Aaaargh!

That said, don't neglect your blog for too long. Keep your eyes and ears open for blog-worthy material. Everyday thoughts, statements, things we read and events can all trigger good content. Just a question of being observant and being creative.

Oh and don't forget to throw some keywords into your posts. They'll help you take care of the blog by attracting new followers in searches while you're away.

We can do that. We're bloggers and that's what we're here for!

Reaching for the stars

2012-01-19T18:02:00.010Z

When was the last time you felt inspired? What was it that inspired you?

Maybe it was a film, a song, a person, a quote by someone famous, or something someone in your everyday life said, that suddenly energised you to take arms against a sea of troubles. It could even be something that happened to you recently.

Whilst Paulo Coelho's novels and wisdom offer comfort, my own inspiration comes from an unlikely source: Stephen King. I always thought it came from books by self-help specialists, not from horror fiction writers!

I've read four of his books now and watched several film and TV adaptations of them and his short stories: the depth of his imagination amazes me every time. Stand By Me, The Running Man, Misery, It, ' Salem's Lot, The Shining, The Shawshank Redemption and Pet Sematary - yep, you can thank Stephen King for them all!

The way he creates such realistic characters and situations is impressive. We all know an Eddie Kasprak or a Dolores Clairborne somewhere! And the way he injects horror into everyday things is another fine talent. That burial scene in Salem's Lot and Paul Sheldon nosing round Annie's house in Misery put me truly on edge!

Every time I read a Stephen King novel I want to write something terrific afterwards, whether it's a blog entry for you or advertising copy for my work (well, I want to do it all the time, but you get the picture!).

So tell me: who or what makes you want to go out and give the world everything you've got?

Bring. It. On.

2012-01-02T19:10:00.009Z

For me 2011 was a real rollercoaster and ended on a high! Had so much fun! Concerts, winter fairground rides, the acquisition of a Scalextric, reunions with old friends and good times spent with new ones. What more can I ask for?

Did you learn anything from 2011? I did. I learned that positive thinking and being yourself go a long way. There's a wonderful quote from Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist that tells us when we really want something, all of the universe conspires to help us achieve it. It's true. Several things I really wanted came to me in the end. You just have to be patient.

My message for 2012? Enjoy! Fight for your dreams. Do whatever makes you happy! As George Bernard Shaw once commented: We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.

So bring on 2012. It's playtime!

The Joy of Socks

2011-11-15T21:46:00.003Z

We're now midway into November and Christmas is hurtling towards us. It's hurtling towards you and, if you're anything like me, loads of other useless Christmas shoppers!

Each year it gets that little bit harder to avoid buying the same thing for the same person two years running! I love to find something original for my friends and family if I can.

But some things you shouldn't feel bad about: giving someone the same gift two consecutive Christmases is one of them. It's definitely the thought that counts. And we'll always need socks!

Buy me book tokens, shower gel / aftershave sets or Christmas editions of my favourite sweets - those who know me also know the possibilities are endless! - and you'll hit the mark every time. I'll happily receive them till my dying day. Hopefully that particular moment is still some time away!

I've already started my Christmas shopping and this year I'm going about it differently! I'm buying something practical and something original for each person. Translation: a smellies set per person and a gift with that extra bit of thought gone into it. If I don't succeed with one I can't fail with the other - and if neither does the trick you can't say I didn't try!

I'll intersperse this all with afternoons in Costa café to keep myself sane come the Christmas hustle and bustle!

That's how I'll be playing St Nick. How about you?

Oh and now you know what I like, you can't say you didn't know what to get me.

Why write?

2011-11-03T19:15:00.008Z

Feeling reflexive lately (as I always do when Christmas is near!), I started thinking about why I write.

In fact I started thinking about anyone's reasons for putting pen to paper or finger to keyboard.

Here are some of my own. They could easily apply to you:

Because we have something to say to the world. Not only that, we want to say it in the nicest, most effective way possible.

Because we're dreamers, idealists and romantics. Writing is an escape from the everyday world. Why else would we create a different reality!

Because we hurt and need to banish the pain from our system. I've written some of my most meaningful words while my life has gone through the grinder!

Because it's in our nature to think about how the world turns... life... death... the way people are. Actually, if I say we think about everything, I can't fail to cover it.

At the start of 2011, I read a beautiful biography about Roald Dahl, the children's author. The bio told that he wrote for children more than for adults because he understood them better... got on with them better.

So maybe writing is all about understanding the world and getting on with it. Perhaps we write not because we understand the world, but because we're still trying to figure it out.

It's possible we don't even want to understand it, don't want to get along with it. That's sometimes the joy of writing!

What would your reason(s) be?

A Winter's Tale

2011-10-30T20:03:00.007Z

Buy a good hat, a few thermal vests, a few fleeces and you'll be ready when winter comes calling, I guess.

Whack on the heating for an hour, close the doors and wrap up well meanwhile. Turn it off an hour later, stay wrapped up and you won't feel the cold for most of the day indoors. You'll also keep your energy bill down slightly. Bonus!

Heat your room by putting plenty of candles in it. In the period dramas on TV they use them to provide light. It's only a few winters ago I realised they generate a surprising amount of heat too! Well, duh, I know, but still... you'll be surprised how much warmer you'll feel with a candle or two in the room.

But be careful if you're having guests round: you don't want them to think you're luring them into some kind of love-nasium (whether this is your intention or not!)! Oh and you don't want to burn down your house, either! That won't keep you warm.

Foodwise, you can't beat a good old bowl of soup! Go for a thick soup, such as leek and potato. This will fill you up and, into the bargain, you can save yourself some money. Can't be bad!

Well, that's all the tips I can offer you at the moment, but I'm always on the lookout for new ones. What's your strategy? How do you brace yourself for this chilly season?

I'll get some soup warmed up for us while you ponder it over. Is leek and potato all right for you?

How customer service can make you a better person

2011-10-12T22:08:00.005+01:00

I'm lucky enough to have two part-time jobs right now. One allows me to pen a few lines for a hotel company, which I enjoy. The other is in customer service, allowing me to meet and be myself with different people every shift, which I also enjoy.

I smile and wish the good a safe journey home. I smile and wish the bad the same but throw an apology into the mix to ease their grievances. A kind smile goes a long way.

The job teaches values that could change the world and maybe ourselves if we tried a little harder. When a customer gets shirty I don't fly off the handle; instead I smile. When a customer gets impatient I smile and politely ask them to bear with me; then when I serve them I thank them for their patience. It goes a long way.

Being patient and tolerant at work, as well as being naturally pleasant, makes me more so outside of it. This is especially so when I'm in a queue and the customer in front of me is giving someone else some grief. And when I smile at my customers, they walk away - I hope - feeling better.

Maybe if we all worked in customer service we'd learn to be more tolerant, more compassionate and more patient and behave better towards others. Ultimately, we'd be more pleasant.

Wouldn't it be nice to live in a world like that?

Most certainly. I can but dream though.

Betty II

2011-09-26T15:43:00.003+01:00

It's been six months now since you left us, Nana. I miss you.

I know the spirits don't use the internet. That would be absurd. But I hope that if we do live on after we die, you'll somehow see this message.

I wanted to tell you I moved back to Edinburgh - your Edinburgh- and found a job. I love being back here and in work. I just wish it had all happened before you went away, so you'd know I was all right.

The other thing I wanted to say, Nana, is thank you again. I read your copy of The Whisperers, by John Connolly. I loved it and bought more of his books. He's one of my favourite authors now.

In fact, I met him. He was signing his new book in Waterstone's, on Princes Street, and I bought a copy. I would never have been there if it wasn't for you.

With the copy I got a large sticker that said 'Tell them Charlie Parker sent you.' I will. And I'll do it with a smile.

But deep down, I'll know Elisabeth Mary 'Betty' Jones sent me.

Copywriting like the corners of your mind

2011-09-24T21:53:00.005+01:00

Whether you're a writer or a reader, and whether it's a novel or a piece of copy, a piece of writing must get off to a good if not thunderous start. If it doesn't you can kiss your reader or potential customer goodbye.

So how do you do it? A book I read today advises starting from the middle instead of the beginning. Sound advice, says I! Deleting opening paragraphs tightens up copy. Sometimes it creates new angles to approach writing from. Power structures aren't only a political thing, you know!

But what if you could do it in life too? If you could start your life at any point, when would you choose?

For instance, would you go back to when you were five years old and starting school? Would you go back to teens with maybe memories of your first kiss?

Perhaps you'd just skip all that malarky and start in your adult years, maybe in your first job? Or even leapfrog all that and start when you're already doing well at work and have mouths to feed and bring up?

I think I'd start at the summer either side of my first year at uni. I couldn't fail to be happy back then. One because I was starting a new stage of my life, the other because I'd successfully completed the first year. I had a job that fed me and supported my studies. Good times.

Maybe even the best of times.

A Brand Too Far?

2011-09-20T17:00:00.005+01:00

So they're thinking of renaming the Olympic Stadium the Ann Summers Stadium once 2012's Games are over. Not sure whether to laugh or cry!

Naming a sports stadium after a sex toy company. That's a first. Laughable to us but a marketing masterstroke for Ann Summers. Being a Newcastle United fan, I console myself that there'll now be a stadium with a ghastlier name than our former 'Sportsdirect.com@St James' Park Stadium'!

As I've said in earlier entries, I'm interested in advertising. I once read Naomi Klein's No Logo, a scathing attack on globalisation and corporate culture. In it she wrote how even people are becoming branded by having company logos etc. tattooed on themselves in return for scholarships or whatever. Extreme, yes, but what people do with their own body is their business.

That said, 'Ann Summers Stadium' is a step too far even for me. Change is good, there's no disputing that. But do we follow the money so much now that we'll just throw all integrity or self-respect outta the window?

After the impressively monumental fiasco with the tickets for the 2012 Games, I can see them in the meeting room:

Okay, we've made a hash of the tickets, yes, but it's not too late to put things right if we can just come up with a good name for the stadium. Now, I had a call from Ann Summers and they suggested calling it the "Ann Summers Stadium". We've already stuffed up the tickets thingy, so I say "What the hell!" and just go with it anyway and make a big pile of money. In all fairness, it does have a kinda ring to it. So can I get a show of hands on 'Ann Summers Stadium'?... Ann Summers it is. You may go about your business.

And Britain, your cringing time starts... Now! Or laughter if you support Newcastle! Muahahahahaha!

Can Facebook change your life?

2011-09-19T14:16:00.015+01:00

Addictive they certainly are. But just how truly powerful are Facebook, Twitter and other social media networks?

Friends seem to be disappearing from Facebook but then resurfacing some time later feeling better for it. Some publicly announce on it they'll be away until they've solved personal difficulties. And after the turmoil in my own life, I admit I've sometimes thought about doing the same.

But why do we feel we have to do it? Facebook belongs to a different world. Belongs to cyberspace. Whilst the computer is off it shouldn't affect us, yet it does. When we're feeling bad we want to be anywhere else but on Facebook, it seems.

Facebook is powerful. Millions of people use it. We share our woes and triumphs on it. But are we in the grip of something more powerful than we realise? Psychologically, it seems to have a hold on us.

This is all just an impression I get, but it's one to think about. I'd best keep it from Facebook though. In fact, let's just keep this between you and I.

'I just felt like... writing'

2011-09-16T23:04:00.003+01:00

Ever seen Forrest Gump?

If you haven't, there's an inspiring scene where Forrest Gump (played by Tom Hanks) just gets up and starts running nonstop. Hair long and beard raggy, he runs nonstop from town to town to town. The people start to run with him just to see how his journey will end.

Suddenly, he comes to a halt and just turns around to walk home. When asked what was the point of it all, he answers: 'I just felt like running.' Brilliant.

And that's how I'm feeling today. At odds with my own style and at a loss for a topic, after two weeks away from my blog and a few copywriting books later, I just felt like writing!

Today I've freed my mind and recaptured my creative spark and spirit. Normal service will resume next week!

Let the good (writing) times roll once more.

Who's your copywriting mentor?

2011-09-01T16:40:00.009+01:00

Like any doctor worth their salt reads the British Medical Journal, as an advertising enthusiast I read a lot about copywriting.

Now I'm reading From Those Wonderful Folks Who Gave You Pearl Harbor, the inspiration behind Mad Men. Offensive title, I agree, but an interesting, gossipy insight into advertising's golden age. I've just read the chapter on 'killers' - that sounds self-explanatory, but is it what it seems? You'll have to read it yourself, just to check!

This is for entertainment, of course. But who's your copywriting author of choice? Like you'll find The Bible in many hotel rooms, all good advertisers have Ogilvy on Advertising on their bookshelf. May the Lord have mercy on your soul if not!

Is your mentor, perhaps, John Simmons? A titan in the writing for business world, with books like Twenty-Six Ways of Looking at a BlackBerry and The Invisible Grail, Mr Simmons shows us the power of creativity in copywriting.

Maybe you're a fan of Andy Maslen's slick, no-nonsense guides to copywriting? I know I am! I've learned some crucial tips on how to crispen up copy from Write to Sell. Thanks for those!

You'd also be right to be a fan of Roger Horberry's down-to-earth but engaging style. In Brilliant Copywriting, he gives a fine insight into how he tackles the different stages of the copywriting process. He also interviews copywriting's big hitters, who let us in on in how they got started. 'Tis is a most useful book!

So who's your copywriting mentor? I've learnt great things from all of these copywriters. Does that make me a polytheist (believer in many gods!) where copywriting is concerned?

Do roses have thorns, or Fridays are you in love?

2011-08-30T18:04:00.004+01:00

Being a linguist as well as a copywriter, this morning I had a few songs from the Spanish-speaking world on my MP3. I was listening to Julieta Venegas, one of my favourite artists. Dearest Julieta was singing about how she was leaving to find a better love. And she knew the very kind she wanted too: 'the type that makes salt sweet and the sun come out'.

A lovely lyric from this Mexican heroine of the accordion, and one of the reasons I love her so much.

Having somewhat ecclectic tastes - or outright weird, some might say! - Poison's Every Rose Has Its Thorn came on a little later. Possibly one of the best rock ballads ever written, the song features heartbreaking lyrics such as:

Instead of making love, we both made our separate ways...

And now I have found somebody new...

And that I never meant that much to you...

To hear that tears me up inside...

And to see you cuts me, like a knife...

A few songs on and it was the turn of the Cure with their uncharacteristically happy Friday I'm in Love. Great song! How can you not love joy-joy lyrics including Thursday - never looking back, because Friday I'm in love... Dooey-dooey-doooo!

Which all brings me to the subject of today's entry: which type of feelings inspire the best lyrics? Do people who 've had their heart torn out and tossed into the grinder write better songs? Do the truly brilliant songs come from people who life has mercilessly chewed up, spat out and then spat on?

Or do they come from people who life smiles upon with unbridled happiness, instead? Maybe they come from happy-go-lucky types who fight for their dreams but, though they never come true, never lose hope either.

It's a tricky one. Probably best if I sit it out and let you decide! Whaddayasay?

An Alternative Guide if You're Thirsty for More

2011-08-29T12:48:00.008+01:00

August is drawing to a close and so has the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. There are fewer and fewer plastic beer glasses on the streets... the tourists and dreadlocked street performers are all making their way home... and the posters are coming down.

The Fringe will melt away for another year until August 2012, which is when it happens all over again!

Call me premature, call me well organised... it's your shout, but after reflecting on the past month as an Edinburgh dweller, I thought I'd give you a short survival guide for next year's Fringe. Here's what you'll need:

Patience - The streets are jam-packed with tourists at festival time. You can only put half a foot in front of the other without stepping on someone. The quick 5 to 10 minute bus journey may degenerate into a 30 minutes plus ordeal! So be patient.
Adventurous spirit - Some of the best acts at the festival aren't always the most famous ones or ones that have been most promoted. Book a random show and you could be in for a pleasant surprise.
iPod, MP3 and book - Entertainment kit for when you're stuck on the bus!
Cheerful countenance and disposition - If you're not a laugher or a smiler, stay away, because the city doesn't want you! Eeeeverybody laughs and smiles in Edinburgh in August. You'll stick out like a sore thumb!
Raincoat and suncream - The rain's been a pouring here this summer, but because people are of that cheerful disposition we talked about, they've neither noticed nor cared. When the sun gets out, it really gets out, but take a raincoat too and enjoy the best of both worlds!

And that's my alternative guide for enjoying the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Most of the items on the list are affordable. But if the iPod or the MP3 are over your budget, invest in a copy of War and Peace or the Lord of the Rings trilogy. You won't make it to the end of them while you're here. They're just for good measure!

That innocent way about them

2011-08-23T21:16:00.001+01:00

If you asked my friend 'Who'd win in a techie war - Steve Jobs or God?' he'd answer 'Steve Jobs is God.' In a matter of seconds, your trick question would have backfired on you!

He loves all things Apple. Their 'his' brand and can do no wrong. I've got to admit they're pretty good!

When I'm not ensconced in a crime or spy novel, I read books on marketing and business for my work (copywriter). After reading A Book About innocent: Our Story, I think this quirky smoothy company is 'my' brand. (If you're thinking of starting your own business it's well worth a read.)

Why? Well, I love their values and principles, their interaction with their customers and their ethical way of running the business. Most of all, I love their creativity, warmth and sense of fun! And how can any copywriter not worth their salt dislike the copy on innocent labels! The drinks are non too bad either!

So yeah, innocent are my brand. Now grab a smoothy and tell me which is yours.

Looking for a fourth place?

2011-08-19T22:45:00.002+01:00

Suppose you need a place where you want to avoid home life and work and don't want to spend money or interact in your third place. Where do you go?

The hopeless romantic in me would like to say the answer's written in the wind. But it ain't - it's written in cyberspace, a world in itself these days!

Just a few months ago, my friend sent me this truly wonderful link: http://www.panoramas.dk/index.html. It allows you to transport yourself to just about anywhere in the world - far beyond my third place, Costa cafe! - and enjoy a panoramic view of landmarks, big international events and other cool stuff.

And you don't have to stop at a fourth place either. Treat yourself to a fifth, sixth or as many as you want! So far I've:

stood at the top of Mount Everest
attended a UN General Assembly
marvelled at Machu Pichu
been at the French presidential election 2007 (I think I got lost that time!)
and received an audience with His Holiness the Dalai Lama (my personal favourite).

Other fourth places you can go to? Well, maybe you can take refuge in your dreams. They're always a welcome haven.

Or you can disappear into the shoulder of your partner. Your head will fit perfectly between their shoulder and neck. Then they can run their fingers through your hair, transporting you to anywhere but here.

I'm single at the moment, so that'll be one panoramic walk along the Great Wall of China for me please, barman!

Where would you make your fourth place?

Three's Company, Two's a Crowd

2011-08-18T22:35:00.001+01:00

Ever heard of the 'third place' concept?

Apparently, home is our first place and the workplace is our second one. But more and more people these days are looking for a third place. This third place is public, encourages interaction and is our haven or sanctuary from home and working life. It can be a pub, coffee bar, park or anywhere else that feels like a mini escape.

The other day I discovered I was one of those third-place seekers! Costa Cafe is fast becoming my own third place. For the past two weekends I've purposely headed to Costa from my flat (with my trusty backpack), and then eased myself into the couch with a coffee, a good book and not a care in the world.

It's my third place in my first-class good times oh yeah!

Oh and not that I'm really looking, but this hopeless romantic has a sneaky feeling I'll meet a new flame in this third place of mine. Only time (and this blog!) will tell.

But that's enough about me! Do you have a third place, and if so, where? Hey, if it's nice enough I might even move in with you haha!

How to be good

2011-08-13T19:14:00.000+01:00

Was just reading about the Scorpio star sign personality to see if I live up to the profile or not. Do I, you ask. Well, the answer is yes and no... Nes, you could say!

Who am I?

Let's have some fun! Starting with the good news, Scorpios are:

Dynamic
Loyal
Passionate
Resourceful
Observant

Dynamic? Well, one day I'll have chicken roll in my sandwiches, the next it'll be pork, the next it could be beef... I may even live on the edge and have chicken roll two days running or, get this, eat out at the Subway. You just can't tell with this Scorpio haha!

Loyal? Well, that is definitely true. If a person is kind to me I do try to return the favour, especially in my adulthood. I take their money, so it's only fair they get their coinage's worth out of me! Seriously though, a friend in need is a friend indeed.

Passionate? I'm sure ex-girlfriends will confirm this is the case. Crushes I've stalked in the past - or, to use the Twitter euphemism, 'followed' (!) - will also testify in my favour! Oh come on... do I really look that depraved to you?

Resourceful? I think so. I started this blog on my own initiative. I freelanced for six years. I've studied a new trade. Apparently, Scorpios make superb doctors, surgeons, scientists or leaders. But you know me best. Would you trust me with a scalpel? Taxi!...

Observant? As a blogger I do my best. Put me in the witness box and I can't promise you'll get a 'Not guilty' verdict though!

Now for the bad news...

Like other signs, we Scorpios have our down side. Scorpios are also:

Jealous
Obsessive
Suspicious
Manipulative
Unyielding

Apart from that, I'm a pretty nice guy!

Do I get jealous? Nope! 'Tis the most ugly of feelings. Everyone deserves a time to shine, and eventually they get their chance.

Am I obsessive? Friends might say yes (yeah thanks a lot, guys, I must return the favour some day!). To my surprise, not one but three people made my sandwich at the Subway last week. When I went back, four people were in on the process. Cue productivity jokes and two weeks' worth of mileage out of them oh yeah!

Do I get suspicious? Where did you get that information from? From the Feds? Come to think of it, you've been acting really strange lately...

Manipulative? No, but I'll give you a tenner if you tell everyone about my blog. That's a joke!

Unyielding? I prefer determined, persevering or steadfast!!!

Cross-examination over!

Right, that's enough baring my soul for one entry! It's your turn to check out your zodiac profile. Do you match it, or is it all just a load of crystal balls to you?

Maybe your own horoscope has come true. I'd love to hear about it. In fact, why am I asking these questions? I can already feel the answers in the air!...

The Company of Strangers

2011-08-08T21:04:00.000+01:00

I remember when I first started this blog. In one post in particular I commented how train delays brought strangers closer together. Well, I'm feeling kinda daft today and I'm going to come back to it.

My question is, what is the funniest thing you would like to see happen between two strangers in everyday life? Noticing how people sleep on the train from work, I'd love to see one stranger zonk out on a complete other stranger's shoulder next to them, cuddling up to them as they do it.

The sight of that would cheer me up after a hard day's work. The image of them both waking up and exchanging apologies or embarrassed smiles, or even laughing about it together... Yeah, that makes me laugh. Wouldn't it you?

I have to commute to work myself. So who knows... Maybe I'll meet my next partner that way. I'd have to be the sleeping one though. I don't see a working girl getting a comfortable hour's shuteye on my shoulders, the commuting equivalent of lumpy pillows!

Let Battle Commence!

2011-08-01T20:43:00.002+01:00

Strangely philosophical, The Simpsons recently churned up the age old debate of religion v science.

I'm not a fan of religion (science can be cool though!) and the science v religion debate has seen better days. It's about time we had a new debate: Facebook v Twitter!

Which one do you think is better?

I've got two friends who say Twitter's where it's at now. On Twitter, users answer the question 'What are you doing now?' in short 'tweets' of 160 characters or less. The website's aim is to spread information and knowledge.

Facebook is for sharing photos with friends and family and writing messages. It's for a whole host of things, in fact! But if you don't have a Facebook account, don't feel so bad. There are still people out there rebelling against the 'Good Book'!!

I have to admit: I luuuuurve Facebook! I enjoy writing cheerful and cheeky messages on friends' 'walls'; I enjoy seeing their photos; I like to be back in touch with people and see where life did or didn't take them.

Not as big a fan of Twitter, but I am gradually getting into it: though sometimes the retweets drive me spare!

So there you go, I've sworn my allegiance to Facebook. If you could use just one network for the rest of your life, which one would you go for?

Tell me which and why - in less than 160 characters, of course! Oh and while I'm here, may I just wish my friend and flatmate 'Happy birthday!' (17 characters!).

Sad Songs Say So Much

2011-07-30T19:10:00.001+01:00

Had my radio on last night while I did a bit of Facebooking. As my fingers danced over the keyboard (!), the singer crooned one of the best lyrics I've heard in a while: 'the most beautiful pain in the world' - referring to love, of course, what else!.

I couldn't agree more. In an earlier entry I'd wrote something similar: of unrequited love being just as sweet and as fun. I stand by it. And I'm pleased that someone out there is on the same wavelength as me - even if they are doing it for money haha!

So today I'd like to ask, what's the best song lyric you've heard recently? Or is there one you've always liked and want to share with me? Please do. I might check out some of these songs later.

A Few to Get You Thinking

Here are a few I've always liked or that have come into my head lately. See if you can guess which songs they come from:

(1) Lovers always come and lovers always go

And no one's really sure of letting go today

Walking away...

(2) It's been 10 years or maybe more since I first laid eyes on you

The best years of my life go by

Here I am alone and blue...

(3) I know all kinds of shoes have been under your bed

Now I sleep with my boots on

But you're still in my head...

(4) You ask me if I've known love

     And what it's like to sings in the rain
     Well, I've seen love come
     And I've seen it shot down
   I've seen it die in vain...

These are just a few personal favourites. I could go on forever. Actually, if I run out of ideas, maybe I'll give you another dose of this in my next entry as well haha!

If you've not guessed them all, here's a video to give you a hand. And if you've still not got them, the answers are underneath:

1. November Rain - Guns 'N' Roses; 2. Heartbreaker - Led Zeppelin; 3. Hole in my Soul - Aerosmith; 4. Blaze of Glory - Jon Bon Jovi

The Everyday Loves You!

2011-07-22T21:44:00.002+01:00

On a high after starting a new job, I dropped into the baker's for some breakfast. I'm partial to doughnuts and cakes that have custard fillings, but, alas, there were none. So I plumped for a fudge doughnut instead.

Imagine my surprise, nay delight (!) when custard oozed out of it. Fate was on my side, for it dribbled down my cleanly shaven chin but mercifully avoided my neatly ironed shirt! It was a such a sweet yet simple surprise - and what a start to the day, too!

Sometimes we lead such busy lives that we forget that the everyday is full of these little pleasures. With bills to pay, kids to raise or studies to complete, we sometimes miss them. What's yours?

Perhaps it's:

a hot cup of coffee on a cold winter's morning
heading to bed after a hard day's work
checking your bank account on pay day
finishing one good book and starting the next one
a hug from a loved one (I strongly endorse this one!).

My unguilty pleasure:

I hinted at it earlier on: I love being showered and clean shaven. Nothing beats it! The warm water all over my body... the scent of my skin after I've washed the shower gel off... then the smoothness of my skin shaved down to the bone, and the fragrance of my favourite aftershave on it afterwards.

Looking sharp and feeling ready to take on whatever the day throws at me. Ooooh yeah!

What a Feeling!

2011-07-18T14:02:00.001+01:00

Can you remember your first day at work and how you felt?

Tomorrow is my first day with the company and I'm rearing to explode out of the starting blocks. I have several songs in my heart - to go with the usual spring in my step- and bucketloads of enthusiasm. I feel great.

But what's the greatest feeling in the world for you?

A few weeks ago at a barbecue, a friend was telling me that becoming a father was the best feeling in the world.

Of course, there are so many other good feelings out there, as well:

Success - the feeling of being the best
Love - can anything compare to being somebody else's world? Or even to just having such pleasant feelings for someone else?
Laughter - is there anything else like sharing good times with friends and family, knowing you'll look back on those moments and cherish them forever?
Exercise - healthy body, healthy mind!
Warmth - is there anything better than sitting in front of a fire or with a steaming hot cup of tea on a cold winter's evening?

For me, love comes storming in at number one. There's nothing like that feeling of flying... of waking up with warmth in my soul. But even if the feeling isn't mutual, I still enjoy it: unrequited love can be just as sweet, you know!

Maybe some other feeling tops all this for you? If so, you're welcome to share your good vibrations with me!

PS. I'm not a love junkie!

Fast Mover

2011-07-11T18:26:00.000+01:00

Boxes...
Clothes...
Nik naks...
Cases...
Pictures...
Bedding...
Books...

Right in the middle of a move to Scotland and I'm surrounded by all of the above. My hair is looking slightly ruffled! No matter how neatly I pack everything, I always seem to need another box!

Always have done, always will!

Yet have you noticed that women are so much better at packing than men? Why is that? What is their secret?

As well as being universally born with natural rhythm, they all seem to excel at packing. If there was a national packing championship - and I'll bet money that there is one somewhere - they'd wipe the floor with men!

My theory:
It's because men ain't too great at other essential chores in the packing mix:

Folding - men can fold and fold and fold till the cows come home, but our shirts and trousers will still always look like something from out of an Origami for Beginners activity book
Ironing - some men iron better than others, true. Generally, though, they always look as if they've ironed them with a sledgehammer. And some men iron their clothes while still wearing them, therefore burning the clothes and themselves into the bargain. Ouch! Oh yeah... on top of it, it takes them a century to do so, as well!
Efficient use of space - ever seen inside a woman's handbag? Car and house keys, lipsticks, eyeliners, brushes, purse, mobile, sunglasses, the odd diary. They get the kitchen sink in there and then some! Men don't get so much practice at it, but hopefully the manbag will remedy this!

So if you want to shine when it comes to packing, maybe the answer is to sharpen up your ironing, folding and storage skills.

At the most, you'll impress the lady in your life, or who you want to be in it. At the least, you'll restore their faith in men!

The Great Kiss Off

2011-07-07T16:18:00.001+01:00

Did you feel lots of love in the air yesterday, but don't know why?

Well, that's because it was National Kissing Day. Millions of lucky Brits -no, that's not a euphemism!- locked lips for the occasion! Either with a loved one or with a complete stranger - people are less fussy these days!

Now you're in on the secret, who would you have puckered up to? Don't be shy... even humble bloggers like me can keep a secret! She or he can be famous or they can be the girl/guy next door. It's your fantasy, so you decide!

I always find funny women attractive so, celeb-wise, I have a raging soft spot for Jennifer Anniston (back in her later Friends days!) and Lauren Laverne. As a northern boy like me would say: they're class!

On a non-celeb level and every bit as elegant, there is a girl I'd have liked to whip out the mistletoe half a year early for (and happily leave it hanging there!). But now's not the time and she'll probably be the one that got away.

In the meantime, I'll thank the world for my marvellous family and friends, good health and my job. I'm a single guy.

For all of that I can kiss Life!

A Little Help with your Search...

2011-06-30T18:57:00.001+01:00

Ever woke up and thought: What's it all about? What are we doing here? Or even just been stuck in a traffic jam or supermarket queue and asked yourself it?

Sure you have! And you're not the only one. Philosophers have been pondering this little teaser since Ancient Greek times (though not in rush hour traffic or the nightmarish queue in Morrison's on Christmas Eve, admittedly!).

Here are some of their solutions:

To pursue good
To become virtuous
To be happy
To achieve self-fulfilment.

Your trusty blog-losopher, however, begs to differ with Socrates, Kant and friends! Although if intellectual push came to shove, they'd punch me out before I'd even passed back the spit bucket!

The real answer:

A mountain in southern Chile

Waterfall at Iguazu, Argentina

A breathtaking view of Bariloche, the lake zone

Glacier in El Calafate, Argentina

These are just a few of my pics from a truly marvellous trip to Argentina, plus a cheeky two days in southern Chile as well. The world is full of magnificent sights like these and we've been put on this earth to see them!

That's what it's all about for me. Sometimes life can be so simple!

And for you?

L-O-V-E Spells Coincidence!

2011-06-29T17:46:00.001+01:00

Have you ever seen that film High Fidelity? The one where John Cusack meets up with his ex-girlfriends to find out where he went wrong with them, why his relationships keep breaking down.

I'm sure we all have reflexive moments like this from time to time. Not so much stalking our ex-girlfriends, no, but maybe just a moment in the day, week or month when you think about the past... try to learn from it. In fact, I've just got an email from a friend who was doing this in their message.

Just yesterday evening, I was thinking about loves I've won, lost and never enjoyed in return, when I came to a curious and equally random conclusion: the name of nearly every woman I've been attracted to begins with either M or L!

Only three haven't. Even then, two of those have both begun with C (the other was an A), so maybe I can throw this into the mix as well!

I love a woman with dark hair and a sense of humour. But if you like the cut of my jib and have neither of them, or just one, fear not. According to life's plan, love may still blossom as long as your name begins with L or M! And you can just imagine what L and M in the same name would do to me! (LM or ML, I'm not fussy!)

Okay, so it's all coincidence and I'm just having some fun with this post, true as it is. But I'd love to hear the amusing coincidences (unless you consider this post completely sad!) you've identified in your own life.

I'm going to leave you with one-hit wonder Lou Vega while you have a little think. He likes a little bit of... Well, enjoy the track and see for yourself! What did her say her name was again?

Any Last Requests?

2011-06-26T15:46:00.001+01:00

The great British barbecue, that most quintessential summer past time: that's what I was up to yesterday! The weather was glorious, the company was superb and the food and entertainment were both terrific. The hosts then rounded off the day with a camp fire. Beautiful!

As the fire crackled away, my friend said she could happily stay there forever. By jove, she's right, I thought, I could too! I'd been stood there for nearly two hours and only stepped away for firewood.

Then I mused to myself: If I had to do an activity for the rest of my life and could only choose one, what would it be? Imagine I could do something I really enjoy and not suffer any consequences. What would I go for?

Being an absolute sucker for a barbecue, I'd plump for an eternal dose of juicy burgers, sizzling sausages and succulent steaks. Mmmmm... de-lish! I'd love feasting like that with my friends and family, enjoying the vibe and not having to worry about all that saturated fat!

So there you go. That's my 'last request'. What would yours be?

Or are you already licking your lips at this like I am!

Like a Box of Chocolates

2011-06-16T11:28:00.001+01:00

Was just browsing on Facebook last night when I saw some friends had joined one of those little 'statement-type' groups on there. You know, the kind with sentimental statements about broken hearts or trust or friendship, or with a cool or amusing line as the title.

'I Wish Music Played During Epic Moments of my Life and Not Just in Movies' - that was one of the groups I was in. The title made me smile, though later on I deleted it - not my smile (that always stays on!)! There are only so many meaningless updates I can handle on my News Feed.

But it got me thinking: if you had to choose a soundtrack to your life, what would it be? What song would go perfect with your life?

Something cheerful, like Walking on Sunshine, or something sadder, such as I Don't Want to Talk About It? Or would something more dramatic fit the bill, say Carmina Burana (that epic song from the 80s Old Spice ad!)? You may even be a bit of a hellraiser and want a little Born to Be Wild to go with your rebellious ways!

Perhaps you're a happy-go-lucky person and something relaxed and cheerful would be more up your street. Soul Man? Or do you have some yearning ambition or dream still to live or fulfil? In that case, a little Born to Run might be more to your taste. Suits you, sir!

I'd love to hear what you'd have on your own personal musicography, and why. Maybe you know me personally and have a few suggestions for mine. If so, go easy on the why, yeah! What with the truth hurting and all that jazz hahaha!

I Don't Care What the Weatherman Says... If the Weatherman Says It's Raining

2011-06-12T17:37:00.001+01:00

Come the sunny weather, the first thing I want to do is whip on my T-shirt and shorts, get out there, and let me and my moobs and muffin-top enjoy the glorious sunshine! I want to zip out for a stroll along the seafront, stop off for a 99, and then revel in the warmth some more.

(Of course, before doing all that, I slap on a bucket of sun cream.)

But come the wet and windy weather, my dressing gown and slippers go on, as does the kettle. Then I'll maybe hop into bed and let a good book do the rest. What else can I do?

On second thoughts, though, rainy days do have a purpose. They're Nature's way of making you clean out a cupboard, tidy your room, do homework or some other long overdue task. They're the chance to do everything you've been putting off because the weather has been so damned good!

Capitalising on your rainy day gives you such a boost. Then when the ole currant bun (sun!) comes back out to play, you can slip into your summer gear without that nagging voice in your head saying, 'You're gonna have to do it sooner or later.'

So whatever it is you've gotta do, now's the time to do it. Then you can truly always take the weather with you!

'Gone Fishing'

2011-06-07T17:52:00.001+01:00

Addressing you today, my dear reader, as a copywriter. I picked up a terrific tip from the copywriting e-zine The Writer and decided to pass it on.

This article was about the power of the 'Out of Office' reply and it hit the nail bang on the nut. I'd never thought about it before but, yeah, the automatic reply is a great opportunity to sell both your service and yourself. An absolute corker, in fact!

Instead of putting 'Currently out of the office on business. Will be back on blah blah...', go for something that's witty, chirpier or shows a touch of character. You could tell the client about:

how you're on holiday strolling round in a loud shirt
how you're sitting in the dentist's chair hoping you'll still come out with all your teeth
how you're in the doctor's waiting room and are onto your tenth issue of Bella.

Personality is a vital part of copywriting. Cliches and stock phrases assassinate copy whereas a sprinkle of personality brings it to life. It makes the copy fresh and invigorating while still gunning for its main objective: to sell or persuade.

But remember to include the number and/or email of the person assigned to solve your client's particular pickle while you're away. If not, you could come across as a bit of a joker. You're still still trying to do business, don't forget!

'I Bet They'd Scrub Up Nicely'

2011-06-06T17:13:00.000+01:00

Gotta tell you about another smashing book I'm reading at the moment, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol.

Warhol's journey into his own mind is inspiring reading. Both entertaining and profound, there are some truly thought-provoking passages in the book. One of my favourites is this paragraph on work:

The President has so much publicity potential that hasn't been exploited. He should just sit down one day and make a list of all the things that people are embarrassed to do that they shouldn't be embarrassed to do, and then do them all on television.

What a splendid idea! All we have heard in the UK this year is 'cuts', 'cuts' and 'cuts' again. To see the coalition scrubbing a few toilets (cleaning toilets being Warhol's original example) would do us the world of good, especially at a time like this.

Oh the sight of Clegg and Cameron with their marigolds on - blue for Cammo, red for Cleggy - laughing and smiling like a newly wed couple, as they always do! If you've lost your job during the crisis, you'll probably feel right as rain after seeing them on their knees too.

Come on, lads. Do it for Britain. After all, you do really love us, don't you?

Dry Your Eyes, Mate

2011-05-21T16:43:00.001+01:00

Anyone out there feeling low or a little blue?

Well, if you are, you might want to try a wonderful book called The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin (http://www.happiness-project.com/).

This charming little book is helping me to understand some of the disappointment and unhappiness in my life and cope with it better.

One part I've particularly enjoyed is the 'Enjoy the Fun of Failure' section in the 'March' chapter on work. In it, Gretchen recounts how her fear of failure had stood between her and success. She highlights how she had had articles rejected, ideas turned down and work criticised.

Promisingly, she shows us that failure doesn't have to be bad. Instead of losing hope, Gretchen overcame her fear of rejection and, by by doing so, created new opportunities for herself.

I've applied for several jobs now and not been able to bring home the bacon, but I know I will do some day. 'Enjoy the Fun of Failure' has taught me to see disappointment differently:

Every application is an opportunity, or may lead to one elsewhere
Every problem is a chance to test your limitations
Rejection is a chance to learn something new - about yourself or about someone or something else.

So I'll keep on applying until someone utters those magical words: 'You're hired!' Sometime soon, hopefully! Meanwhile, I'm off to roller-blade away my latest disappointment!

Bring on the next one!

What Rollerblading Has Taught Me About Life

2011-04-23T15:10:00.002+01:00

Putting a fall before my pride, at long last I've strapped on my helmet and protective pads and took to my rollerblades. Righteous, dude...!

I'd love to say I was at one with my blades, gliding gracefully up and down the street, the blades just an extension of myself -- but I wasn't and they weren't. There, in the stillness of the street, I schmoozled along... rollerblading's equivalent of a tractor on a country lane.

Thankfully the street itself isn't too wide, so I didn't cause any tailbacks. Cars drove past me without me falling over, kids zipped past me on their bikes and scooters, and people no doubt sniggered as they disappeared into the Redcar sunset.

But who cares? Not me. Ever persevering and ever so slightly, I'm starting to get the hang of it. Not that I can hit Redcar's pathways for a while yet, but practice will one day catapult me something above mediocre!

Meanwhile, not only am I learning how to use the blades. In the process, I'm learning not to care about:

if others think the worst - let them mock or criticise if they wish...
the time factor - all good things will come eventually
the age factor - you're never too old.

Out there on my blades, I'm loving the experience, the learning, and I'm getting some much needed exercise. Never mind the X Factor: I've got the feel good factor! I feel alive!

If you're in the 'I'd love to try that some day' predicament, act now instead of waiting for 'someday'. I wholeheartedly recommend it.

Why wait any longer to hit that high?

We're Gonna Be Elected

2011-04-19T18:57:00.001+01:00

Just when I thought this blog was about to go bare today, somebody dropped some inspiration through my letterbox: a campaign letter for the local elections! Hurrah!

The election campaign is in full swing and the parties are out canvassing. Labour were the first to hear what I thought: that getting through my Cracker box set that Saturday afternoon was more important to me!

Being a specialist in marketing texts, I welcomed this charming little leaflet which was offering me a free lesson in persuasive writing. In trying to win my vote it showed me a few do's and don't's.

Brownie points go to it for:

Homing in on people's main reasons to vote against other local parties. Some research has led to some decent copy.
Giving facts and figures.
Asking questions
Using simple language. There are some gorgeous phrases in there!

However, it gets parking tickets for:

'Knocking' copy - though it's (rightly) taking a pop at other parties, it's also giving them free publicity.
A lack of anticipation - voters are cynical. Copy must address all possible objections.
Slightly sloppy punctuation - sometimes the rules can be ignored, others they can't. Funny old game is writing, innit!

Though this leaflet hasn't won my vote, it's certainly done my writing some good. The others will as well.

So hey, parties might not have figured out their purpose yet, but maybe they can still serve us. I just hope their election leaflets and letters are being printed on recycled paper though...

Communication Breakdown!

2011-04-12T16:53:00.000+01:00

Wouldn't it be cool if animals could talk?

I say this after two weeks with my brother-in-law's adorable King Charles spaniel. I admit I've grown slightly attached to the little lady.

This is odd coming from me. I'm not even a remotely doggy person and, unfortunately, I have a wariness of man's best friend that causes me to misunderstand them.

When I'm putting my arms to stop the dog from jumping up, poor old Fido is thinking 'Playtime!'. If it playfully bares its fangs, I start thinking which songs I'd like played at my funeral (so far on the play list I have 'Hotel California' by the Eagles!).

The other problem is I can't tell if a dog is:

hungry?
desperate for walkies?
dying for the loo?
something else?

So when the dog looks at me with big brown eyes, saying I could murder some Pedigree Chum. Be a love and put some in a dish for me, would you?, I fasten the dog's lead to its collar and out we go.

If animals could talk, that would be awesome. Dogs could then reassure me: 'Calm down, mate. I'm not gonna hurt you', or 'If you don't let me out right now, it's gonna get messy in here.'

Seagulls and pigeons could warn us before dropping their splatter bombs: 'Lady, watch out!'

Just imagine the sea creatures...

Great whites could apologise to divers: 'Sorry... My mistake. Thought you were a seal. Actually, you haven't seen any round here, have you? I'm starving'...

Jellyfish could let us know where they were before we stepped on them: 'Mind your feet to the left or you'll get a nasty sting'...

Or seals might want to work together with us: 'If you see anything you think might be a shark, let me know so I can swim to shore.'

There's a dog barking out the back. I think he wants me to stop gossiping about his friends. Or maybe to put the kettle on... Who knows.

Until next time, then!

Olden Goldies!

2011-04-06T13:47:00.001+01:00

Are you struggling to get into today's music as much as I am?

The last good thing I heard was probably 'Cigarettes in the Theatre' by Two Door Cinema Club. That's about as 'with it' as I get when it comes to music. Hell, even now I sound like I'm punching above my weight (roughly 11.5st)!

If it's not a synthesiser-heavy classic from the 80s, 90s or early noughties, or not sung by a rocker with a mullet, I feel like I've been woken up by a fire alarm in the middle of the night. Which happened a fair few times in my first year at uni, incidentally!

But what I'd really like to ask you, though, is if there's a song that brings back a particular memory for you. Perhaps there's one from your childhood, teens or early adulthood that, for some reason, you can't get out of your head lately?

For me, it's 'What's Up?', by 4 Non-Blondes. Takes me back to one summer in particular, and it always seemed to be playing somewhere in the background. I was twelve years old at the time: I wore a shell suit and side spike. I still had a lot to learn about fashion...

Me and mates, we'd head down to the 'Tarzi' on our bikes and take turns to swing around on it above the beck (or 'stream' in non-Northerner speak). The rest of us, we'd all stand watching with baited breath to see if the rope snapped. I'm sure deep down someone was hoping it would snap on me (but it never did, so ha!) !

I think I'm gonna go out for a walk now - just down Memory Lane, though. So I'll leave you with my four brunettes from yesteryear for company.

What Did You Just Call Me?

2011-04-04T15:41:00.001+01:00

'I will hate you till the day I die and wish you nothing but ill will in every career move you make. I will be watching with interest and schadenfreude.'

This gloriously hateful line was allegedly posted online by Alain de Botton after a scathing review of his latest book at the time The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work.

Coming from such a serene thinker, t'is most unusual. Normally, Big Al shows us how philosophy can help us deal with this kind of thing ... illustrates how it can make our lives easier. That's why his work is so refreshing - and why the comment above is so surprising.

But if you were a writer and had been on the end of a jolly rotten review, how would you have dealt with it?

Going back, there used to be a time when harsh words hurt me. Now I just take them on the chin instead. Picture Robocop marching down a street, all the bullets richocheting off his armour, ping after ping. I try to be like that.

With plasters, bandages and Surgical Spirit all at the ready, I willfully accept any criticism of this blog. Be as cutting or as gentle as you like. Then I can get my trusty writer's toolbox out afterwards and give it a damned good tweaking for the better!

I reckon writers should take a leaf out of my book, or page out of my website as it were, and use negative feedback to make them stronger.

They say the truth hurts.

Yet at the same time, they also say it sets you free.

I know which one I prefer!

Feed my Frankenstein!

2011-04-01T15:30:00.001+01:00

A good Friday afternoon to you!

Today I'd like to go back to that old chestnut of inspiration (or bang on about it some more, if you prefer!)

But this time it's you I want to inspire me.

Normally I get my fodder for this beloved blog of mine from:

the news
anecdotes and experiences from everyday life
random comments from others
blogs
anything else that makes pucker online tucker.

Fine and dandy as they are, I'd love to know the things you like to read. What would you like me to write about?

Here are a few questions to get you thinking:

Do you like the current light-hearted approach, or would you prefer something more serious?
Do you like the topics so far?
Do I sound too much like I'm preaching from a soapbox, or is it okay for me to exorcise a few demons once in a while?
What about the writing - is it stale and in need of livening up a bit, or do you find it fresh, crisp and uplifting?
How can I make it better?

I'm a fan of storytelling, myself, so I look for a balance between topical or reflexive and light-hearted, enjoyable and, of course, original (how original!).

I want this blog to be as fun for you to read as it is for me to write. If I have my wicked way, you'll be itching to read the next entry!

So I'll appreciate any feedback - good or bad- you can give me on this Frankenstein of mine.

I'll just go and check on the oven, in the meantime ....

Mommy, They're Here?

2011-03-30T16:26:00.000+01:00

Remember this: 'They're here'?

That was the 1980s and from those rocking Poltergeist films of course.

But in 2011, a family in Coventry has now told ITN news they're living in a house haunted by a poltergeist, having noticed these eery phenomena happening in it:

pots moving (yikes!)
lights turning on and off (crikey!)
drawers shutting (Mary, mother of God!)
doors slamming shut (somebody call an exorcist!).

The poltergeist has even been accused of murder. A veterinary postmortem implied the family dog died because it was pushed down the stairs.

A medium has confirmed the presence of the poltergeist, and a priest has advised them not to stay (hey, I bet they never thought of that!). Scared out of their wits, the family have had an exorcist round to drive out the 'geist.

A spokeswoman from Bridge Group Ltd stated that previous tenants in the flat had not reported any similar problems. But let's face it ...If there had been, they were hardly going to tell prospective tenants, were they?

...Oh yeah, by the way, some of your pots might go floating across the room on an evening ...and the odd door might slam from time to time, but really, you're gonna love this place!

Possible?

Well, desperate to prove they're no double-yolkers, the family earnestly recorded a few of these incidents on camera.

Judge for yourself:

Have to admit it seems like something of a wind-up!

Seriously ...The floor is out of shot. It doesn't take a special FX guru to hook up an ultra-fine thread - virtually invisible to the camera - and pull the door open or the chair across the floor (I once had a toy that worked like that!). And wasn't that camera was conveniently placed!

But more generally, do you believe there's actually something out there; that there are forces from a world we can't explain?

Or is it simply because scientists haven't barked up the right tree yet, and that one day they'll discover a new magnetic force, type of electron or something that causes this stuff to happen?

Either way, these things are still gonna freak us out until we find a solid explanation for what's behind it all.

In the meantime, though, it's great 'sleepover party' material, not to mention good for... Hey, did anybody hear something just then?

Source: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/38/20110329/tod-family-captures-poltergeist-on-film-045b8e8.html

Fashion Industry for Pounding from Rocky and Rambo

2011-03-28T17:17:00.001+01:00

So Sly Stallone is bringing out his own line of clothing. Well, it certainly beats bringing out your own clothesline!

Based on good ole Rocky and Rambo, the line will contain 'looks for the rebel and the gentleman', says their designer. Great! People were getting tired of the Officer and a Gentleman one, anyway!

Imagine the fun the advertisers will have coming up with names for the items and the line. Picture all those puns zipping back and forth in brainstorming sessions.

But you know what? Why should I let them have all the fun?

Here are a few suggestions of my own:

Autumn/winter range:
'Clubber Longjohns' (in Apollo Cream colour)
'G.I.jamas' nightwear (in either First Blood red or Guerrilla Green)
'Balboa' boots
'Underdog' dressing gown (black with a challenger-yellow lining).

Spring/summer range:
'Final Bell' flip-flops
'Right hook' hooded tops
'Eye of the Tiger' T-shirts
'Victory' vests
'Survivor' sunglasses
And last but not least, of course: 'Adrian' ascot ties!

(I admit I had to graft for that last one!)

I'm a bit short on Rambo ones, it's fair to say! Do you have any suggestions you could add to the list?

But no aftershaves, please. We already have plenty of smellies, or rather stinkers, from Beckham, Britney, J-Lo and the likes.

Besides, 'Heavyweight Champ' is far too obvious!

Viva la Originality!

2011-03-27T15:31:00.002+01:00

'Don't be a raincloud just because you can't be a star.'

This cheerful little phrase is my mantra. I've no wish to infect others with my own despair!

That inspires me. Now it's your turn.

Is there some ingot of wisdom in particular, or maybe a story or experience, that makes you tick? Or is there something else that keeps the glint in your eye?

As a blogger and copywriter, I constantly have my eyes peeled (ouch!) for things that will trigger an intriguing blog article or generate a fresh, engaging piece of copy.

Just yesterday I was reading an interview with Will Awdry, the creative director of the London branch of Ogilvy, the advertising agency. Mid-way through the interview, he said the most marvellous thing:

'Originality is never dead.'

That's a gift of a quote for creative people! I liked it so much that I jotted it down in case it ever comes in handy for a work project.

In fact, a lot of people could apply Awdry's quote to their lives too. For if you've never been able to settle or find what you're looking for in life, the world will always have something new for you to discover.

But fall out of love with the world?

Not on your life! I've got originality to find!

'There's something strange about her...'

2011-03-24T18:18:00.001Z

It's a bit late for that, Papa Gaga! She'll never be normal... unless you know loads more 24-year-old millionairesses.

Apparently, Lady Gaga's dad wants her to stay 'slightly normal', so she only has her tattoos done on the left-hand side of her body.

Both useless and amusing, this item from The Sun online got me thinking about quirky behaviour and how we all have traits that bring a smile to others' faces.

What's yours?

I have a friend who only eats skinny chips (that's not a cover for me - I've got the moobs to prove it!). One of the others always drinks his tea with the teaspoon still in the cup.

Mine, you ask? Well, whenever we have a Sunday roast for din-dins, I'll always eat the meat last. If I go shopping, I never buy the front item on the shelf. And I never sleep on my stomach; it makes me hungry.

I know, I know: with these quirky little numbers I'm going down in the Wildman Hall of Fame for sure!

Oh and one last thing... In my cups of tea the milk goes in after the water!

'Tis no quirk though, but the right way to enjoy tea!

Betty

2011-03-22T17:28:00.000Z

Today I'd like to pay tribute to my late grandmother, Elisabeth Mary 'Betty' Jones, who passed away at 10:00 pm on 7 March 2011.

They say it's always the little things, and in my grandmother's case it really is true. Kindness came naturally to her. She was unselfish to the end and nothing was ever too much trouble.

Her constant acts of kindness in everyday life towards her family and friends made this adorable and loving woman a truly great person.

So if you're here with me now, Nana, watching over me as I type, let me say a few things:

Thank you for getting up just to see me, for the tea and coffee you made, despite the pain you were in.

Thank you for all the cakes and biscuits you let me sample on Saturdays, even though you'd them made for Sundays and I was jumping the queue!

Thank you for the jumpers you knitted me. I wore the Mr-T one on a school trip away once!

Thank you for your generosity when times were tough.

And thank you for always being there till the very end.

I took your copy of A Town Like Alice. I know how much you loved it, so I've decided to keep it for you.

Maybe one day we'll be able to discuss it.

But may you rest in peace now, dear grandmother. Free of pain. Free in spirit.

And know that you are loved and missed every single moment of every single day.

Pete the Blade!

2011-03-21T19:13:00.001Z

Another good evening to you, my cyberspace friends!

We all have something that we'd dearly love to do in life but have never gotten round to. What's yours, and why?

Mine is rollerblading!

For years and years I've wanted to do it. Besides seeking a fun and free way to exercise, I've longed to glide as free as a bird down the streets and feel the wind whistle past my ears.

A few years ago, I did actually start to learn, but, as is always the case, I fell down and never took to the piste... okay, street, again. My trusty blades then stayed in a cupboard somewhere for years, gathering dust.

I've decided that that, however, has all got to change!

This year I plan to put it all behind me and strap those babies back on. I want to be able to whizz around 'Redders', or around wherever love, work or life leads my slightly tubby keyster.

As Irene Cara sang, you can dance right through your life. But when it comes to dancing, though, my coordination takes a taxi home and leaves me in David Brent-crab dance mode! Two left feet, ten left toes and a pair of elephant's heels -- that's me!

So maybe instead I can learn to skate through my life -- of course, that and blog my way through it!

Rekindling my Affection?

2011-03-20T16:24:00.000Z

A fine afternoon to you, dearest reader!

Thought I'd tell you about my latest love interest.

Her name's Kindle.

Slinky, dark and slender, I can take her anywhere. She's so petite... so elegant... she never looks or feels out of place. As well as all that, she's extremely practical.

The first date cost around 111 to 150 pounds, but since then she's been fairly low maintenance!

If you've not guessed, the object of my affections is Amazon's e-reader, the Kindle.

I've had one since Christmas now and am over the moon with it.

That's because:

it saves loads of bookshelf space;
it's small and light, and easy to carry around or store;
it has a built-in dictionary;
it has a notes and highlighter function for studying;
the books are cheaper;
you can download the books in seconds;
you can get free books for it;
I can be a book nerd and still look fly!

Being a proud Kindle owner won't stop me from strutting into Waterstones from time to time, though.

Perusing the shelves and reading blurbs is part of the fun. Finding a novel that's not vampire fiction is also a wholesome challenge.

I'll still frequent charity shops for a bargain book to get cosy with, too. They did get me started on James Ellroy after all!

But the Kindle and I are an item now. That's something the 'Stones' will have to accept, or at least they'll have to work harder for my affection.

We can still be friends, though.

Fancy a Garage Wail?

2011-03-18T19:38:00.001Z

Hey, what do you think of the Foo Fighters' new campaign? Have you heard about it?

The Foos are planning something that little bit different to promote their new album, Wasting Light. Rather than play at clubs and arenas, they'll be performing at eight different garages from New York through to the grunge capital of Seattle.

The band are running a competition that gives fans the chance to host a Foo Fighters gig in their own garage. There they'll play songs from the new album, which itself was recorded in a garage.

But who would you like to have in yours, and why?

Imagine you were the most unpopular girl or guy in the school - if you're not already! - and that you could bolster your cred by having a supergroup play in your garage. Who would it be?

I'd have Bruce Springsteen or Motley Crue! Brucie because of his showmanship and his skills with the guitar and harmonica; the Crue because, besides rock, you can be sure they'd have some colourful characters with them.

And who would you not invite? I'd have to go with teen heart-throb Justin Bieber.

Not just because he's not even old enough to drink. More that my garage door can't keep out all those rampant, lust-filled teeny boppers. Neither can my fence cope with being scaled in the masses.

Naturally, I'm jealous of him, too. He's attracted more girls in five minutes than I have in my whole life! If only I could draw in crowds like that!

But hey, maybe I can do it with this righteous blog of mine instead!

Green-eyed monsters aside, though, I don't have the space for all those dance routines! That's the honest truth!

Oh, and for the record, I'm not the unpopular kid in school, either.

You Snooze, You Lose ...Or Do You?

2011-03-16T19:28:00.000Z

Good evening, dear reader, wherever you may be!

A nice feelgood article - or maybe feelbad one, depending on how you look at it - in The Sun online today about a guy who scooped 17.8 million after his girlfriend left him for being dull.

The girl herself has been dubbed Britain's unluckiest woman following the ill-timed split. In all fairness, the guy did list sleeping as his hobby, so maybe she had good reason to head for the door.

Fair play to her, though, for not crawling back and sniffing around for a few quid. Congratulations to him as well - with 17.8 million quid in his wallet, I guess he'll somehow find a way to mend his broken heart!

Meanwhile, I'm back on the singles market and fancy-free.

It's not so bad, but to whoever walks into my life next (preferably, brunette!), I hope you'll stand by me even if:

I'm always leaving coffee cups lying around;
I'm trapped in the 1980s;
I'm always geeking it up on the Net;
I'm mad for my bed (it's not a hobby, though!).

If you can't, then at least stick around until the numbers have been drawn, babe.

For you never know - my next phone call might be a celebratory one from Argentina, rather than from work to ask if there's anything we need from the supermarket on the way back!

After all, I still have the whales to see!

Social Networks - Saving Face?

2011-03-12T17:15:00.002Z

They may be multiplying like gremlins, but social networks are all the rage. Anyone who's anyone has signed up for Facebook, Twitter, Bebo or some other division of the social network army.

But what do they do? How do you use them?

Well, it turns out they can be used for all kinds of things and are more flexible than a Barclay card.

Here are just a few ideas:

to keep in touch with friends or reunite with old buddies
to stay up to date
to promote your own business
to date and meet new people
to stalk people (I'm joking! Don't do it!).

In fact, there's no end to what you can do with them. They're like that multi-talented friend you've always wanted to be like. You have one, I have one, we all have one!

Though I don't have it connected to my mobile or anything like that, I'm an avid Facebook user. The day somehow feels incomplete if I don't share news, views or photos with family or friends on it.

But despite their name, social networks may be transforming us into less social animals. After a hard day in the office, I used to turn the computer off, then head out to a friend's or elsewhere.

Not now. Come knocking-off time, Ill happily put on a few tunes now and hang around on the Net, either updating blog or meeting mates online.

If they've not yet crept into your private life - social networks, that is, not your mates! - they may do so into your working one.

In some sectors, particularly marketing, social-network use is now a job requirement, and being a non-user can prove fatal (figuratively speaking)!

Whether you love 'em or loathe 'em, though, they're here to stay. Hopefully people won't judge us too harshly either because we're always on them or because we're never on them.

For as that song 'Parklife' goes, it's not about your Vorsprung durch Technik, you know!

The End of the World As We Know It, But I Feel Fine

2011-03-06T15:23:00.000Z

Hello to you, dear Reader!

What better way to start the day than by reading an online article about different ways the world could end! That's how I kicked it off and I'd like to share the findings with you!

No 1: Asteroids
Hurtling straight in at No 1, a change in gravity may see an asteroid collide with Earth as early as 2038. But scientists say they can't predict the effects until 2028 at the earliest. Either way, please do get back to me on that, would you?

So now you can start planning how to tell your dream girl or dream boy how you feel, before an asteroid smashes into you both! Or you can go out and vandalise your neighbour's car, safe in the knowledge you'll escape the claws of Justice, if not those of the Reaper.

No 2: Solar Storms
Blazing the trail at No 2 are solar storms. The sun's magnetic field goes potty and sends massives geysers (not 'geezers') of hot gas and charged particles from the surface up into space. Solar flares can wipe out 300 transformers in 90 seconds and cut off power for 130 million people.

The Sun is set to reach the peak of its activity cycle in 2013. So if you've got nothing planned, set your watch because you've got this to look forward to now! Nothing like going out in a blaze of glory!

No 3: Pole Shifts
Drifting in at No 3 was a shift in the poles. Now we face the threat of a magnetic field reversal that would cause the Earth's entire mantle to shift, in turn causing the North and South Pole to move and triggering all kinds of cataclysmic events.

But NASA have played it all down. They predict this ain't gonna happen and that such a shift would not see Earth meet its fate. Call me cynical if you like but, with all those shuttles and spaceships right next to them, they're not likely to stick around if they're wrong!

No 4: Supervolcanic Eruptions
Smouldering at No 4, it's supervolcanic eruption. Mount Toba, Sumatra, Indonesia was the last supervolcano to erupt, which it did 75 000 years ago.

Thousands of kilometres of black ash and sulphur were belched into the atmosphere, blocking out the sun and causing global temperatures to fall by 21 degrees C, and gas poisoning produced acid rain. Only a few thousand of the population were said to be left.

International scientists are now saying that the Yellowstone caldera, in Wyoming, is showing signs of activity. This supervolcano is thought to erupt every 600 000 years, but the last eruption was 640 000 years ago, so it should be any moment now. In the meantime you can be digging out last summer's sun block!

No 5: Global Warming
Getting hot under the collar at No 5 is our old favourite: global warming. If the temperature rises by just 6 degrees C, rainforests will be obliterated and heat-related deaths will be more frequent.

Soil will become infertile and air quality will be so poor it would harm, if not possibly destroy, human respiratory systems. Natural disasters will also be more common.

That's in the worst case scenario, though. For all you sun freaks out there, the good news is that London would also be as hot as Cairo!

Okay, I'm messing around, but suppose you were told the world really was gonna end. You had one last day on Earth and were determined to go happy.

What would you do before you went?

Source: Yahoo! News:http://uk.news.yahoo.com/38/20110304/tsc-five-ways-the-world-could-end-98fda55.html

Bad Hair Life?

2011-03-05T16:02:00.000Z

Last night I had the weirdest dream/ nightmare.

In it, I went to a barber's and the guy cutting my hair disappeared in the middle of the job. Rather than the smooth and sophisticated short and spiky look I wanted, he gave me the flattest, most God-awful comb-over you can imagine.

I had a side parting that started half way down the left hand side of my head. To make matters worse, he'd also dyed my hair without my permission. It was a kind of Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell colour. Yuk!

But help was at hand - or so I thought. The girl who I asked to sort it out merely trimmed the edges. In the end, I kicked up a stink John McEnroe would have been proud of and had it all shaved off.

But what did it all mean?

For a bit of fun, I looked for interpretations on the internet. One plausible interpretation was that having your hair cut badly in a dream suggests feelings of a decreased sense of power. You may have been criticised unfairly and feel off-balance, off-centre or even worthless.

I may have come in for a bit of stick in the past year or so, but Deputy Dawg, where did the rest of it come from!

A funnier interpretation I found - this time of the 'so bad it's good' variety! - was on a forum. According to one internet surfer, if you dream this and are planning to get your hair cut, you should 'just' wait until the correct lunar phase to do it.

Apparently, the full moon phase is the time to look at your achievements so far and keep things on track, to make adjustments and to clear the deadwood (and why not the Jedward with it!) out of your life. If you want your hair to grow back thicker, this is the phase to take the scissors to it in!

Our astronomer friend goes on to say that the full moon to third quarter phase is the time to take stock of your life, study and make plans. Healthwise, it's a good time for depilatory treatment, dying your hair or begining a health and fitness programme. Wanting your hair to grow back quicker? Quit fooling around and get to your hairdresser!

Conclusion

Study lunar cycles, ladies and gents. Then , as you do, find a gym, hairdresser or beauty parlour open between midnight and 6:00 am, the third quarter hours! I'm sure they'd be overjoyed to go without sleep just so they can wax your hairy back at 3:00 am!

Okay, so I'm just having a bit of fun. But going back to my own dream now - what do you think it meant? I'd love to hear your interpretation. Mentally, I feel pretty tough these days. So reduced power isn't the culprit for my sub-conscious comb-over!

Maybe you'd like to tell me what you dream about? Who knows? We may even share the same ones.

Xbox - Making Peace a Two-Player Game?

2011-01-12T18:42:00.000Z

Evening all!!

Moments of clarity - they're great, aren't they!

They can come at any time... You can be walking along, minding your own business, or you can be in the middle of something, when all of a sudden things become as clear as day. You can be searching like mad for inspiration that just doesn't appear, then suddenly, bang! - there it is!

The other day I had the most wonderful moment of clarity. I was just in my kitchen, making a cup of tea (the tea bag went in first, then the milk!) while my stepdad was on his Xbox -- the game was Fallout -- when it dawned on me how to bring peace to the world.

Yes, I know. It came to me just like that!

It didn't take men in suits talking around big tables to come up with it. There were no guns, tanks, soldiers, barracks, bombs or warplanes involved in the solution itself either. Just a guy playing quietly in his sitting room on a computer game.

He was playing against an online opponent. It made me think to myself: Wouldn't it be nice if instead of going to war we could just go online and sort it out all that way?

Bombs could be thrown, gunshots could be fired and buildings could be demolished, yet the only thing that might be spilled is a can of lager or cup of tea accidentally kicked over. Families wouldn't lose their homes; wives and husbands wouldn't lose their other half; and children wouldn't lose parents (or vice versa).

There seems to be no end to the things we can do on the Net these days: shop, play games, chat to friends, share photos, download music, watch TV, etc. Can we not solve all conflict on there, too?

I really hope we can.

The Truman Letters II

2008-09-18T17:58:00.002+01:00

18/09/2008

Well, Truman, it's been over a year now since I asked you those questions back in July 2007, and I'm afraid I still haven't found many answers. Some, yes, but not many. My apologies for not having sat down with In Cold Blood yet, but don't you worry, Mr Capote, I won't fail you. I have, however, had time to read about you, and some internet users have even had the good grace to put clips of you on YouTube. You were, are, and always will be a fascinating man to say the least.

After reading up, I found you wanted to take literature in a new direction with In Cold Blood, that of the non-fiction novel. That much I can understand. But some of the people in the novel - and we're talking about real people here, Mr Capote, with thoughts and feelings - say there are factual inaccuracies in the book. What was the deal with that? Was that part of your nastier side coming out, an effort to cause a stir, or just the writer in you? Or is someone trying to save face here?

The book I read also stated that you did have feelings for one of the convicted killers, that you somehow identified with him because he'd had an equally difficult childhood as yourself. And that the title itself wasn't a reference to the crimes for which the pair were sentenced to death, but to their punishment by the State. Were these also motivation for the book? My guess now is that you wanted to leave a legacy, or at least a record, of the life of someone who the whole world was against except you, to let them know that somebody understood what they'd been through, that they did matter to somebody. Am I right? How can I ever know?

I know now that you really did want to be famous. You loved it, didn't you? All the parties, all the wild nights and the glamour. That meant a lot to you. But it all went wrong. You went too far by selling your friends' lives in your books, peddling gossip and intimacies in your fiction. That's when the problems started. You lived as a writer and died as a writer. It's a shame, a real shame, because you really did have the world at your feet, Mr Capote. Why did you throw it all away?

The sad part is that you were a victim, too. Someone who could be sure to entertain party guests, someone who could make a party a success. People tolerated your gossipy nature if they thought there was something in it for them. Only a few people really stuck by your side through thick and thin. How the world moves in mysterious ways.

Mr Capote, it's been a pleasure sharing some thoughts with you. I'm sure I'll have more thoughts and questions in the future. If there really is some place up in the sky where we can all meet together, I look forward to seeing you some day and securing the answers I've been seeking.

Better still, maybe you can give me some tips on where I'm going wrong with my own writing. But if you don't feel like it, then. just like all those people at the parties, the balls and the crazy, crazy nights, I'll be happy simply to sit and listen to what you have to say.

Yours with curiosity,
Pete

Born to Write?

2008-08-27T15:13:00.001+01:00

27/08/2008

Good afternoon all! Somewhat philosophical, and feeling the sting of writing-related rejection, my question today is, what is good writing? What makes for a decent writer? Think about it. If you were to ask me to write something for you, what would it be, and how would you want me to express it?

Some people, when they put pen to paper or sit themselves down at the keyboard, convey the impression that an elevated register and use of vocabulary make for good writing. Almost certainly you can't write 'good' and 'bad' for every single negative and positive. That much is true.

But personally, I've always felt that good writing was simple but colourful, words with a voice, phrases with elegance. Never should the choice of adjective, noun or expression be one that alienates the reader. I can't tell you the number of times I've put down a book, feeling I was somehow beneath the writer, and too stupid to be reading the book in question in the first place. Am I? Or is it just poor writing?

In his book Like the Flowing River, the international best-selling author and one of the giants of reflexive literature, Paolo Coelho, recalls his investigation at the age of 15 into what being a writer is. His young mind of then drew, amongst other things, these conclusions: that writers have interests in topics no one else does; that all writers are fans of James Joyce's Ulysseys; that all writers understand concepts that would scare others; that what they're reading at the moment is a book no one else has heard of; that writers verbally express themselves in a complicated fashion, and that writers impress women at dinners by stating their profession and then following it up by writing a poem on a napkin, which always works for them.

So I find myself now asking if writing was something I was meant to do or not. In terms of where my interests lie I'm a fairly regular guy: keep fit, literature, music and sport. And I've read Dubliners but not Ulysseys, and would by no means consider myself a fan. As for concepts that would scare others, that's not my style: if it's too complex for me, I don't absorb it and I certainly don't discuss it with others! Complicated oral expression - I'd like to think I get to the point. Impressing women by writing a poem on a napkin; well, the romantic in me once wrote an invitation to dinner with me in my finest Italian to a girl with Italian blood. The outcome? - a request to explain what the invitation itself said, followed by a swift but polite and excruciating rejection. You were saying, Mr Coelho?

I look back on that last incident and remember it with a smile! Maybe that idealism, that romanticism suggests a potential of sorts. My own style is based on my own theory, but is it the right one? Does it have colour? Does it have a voice? And is it one you want to keep on hearing? Or just background music in print?

How I need to know.

The League of Ordinary Gentlemen

2008-04-30T17:17:00.000+01:00

26/04/2007

Good evening all! It's a warm Saturday evening here in Sabadell, Barcelona, and the tension is mounting as we await the Grand Prix tomorrow, to be held just round the corner at Montmeló, and look to Fernando Alonso to do the Spanish nation(s) proud against that nasty Hamilton of Albion. But Saturday evenings, of course, mean football night, these days another hotbed of controversy; well, not so much 'these days' as just another hotbed of controversy!

And they wouldn't be complete without it. What better way can there be to spend a couple of hours on a Saturday night than hurling abuse at the players of your own side? Because that, ladies and gentlemen, is the state of play these days in La Liga, so abysmal is the performance of the players in the top teams of this normally fabulous league. And there's one team in particular where it's all happening, sorry, not happening should I say: the club that is més que un club - do they still dare to call themselves that these days? - Barcelona C.F.

Yep, some of these over-paid prima donnas are sending Kleenex sales through the roof with their dire run, plus their lack of respect for each other and for their fans. I think it's one win in nine league games now. I've never been one to laugh at the misfortunes of others - you must have been a real shit to me if I do that, because life goes on - but I must confess to profound enjoyment of the disastrous season this club are having. Very much so, in fact. So many millions - invested in foreign players and yet it seems to be the local boys that save the club's skin, and that goes for Real Madrid too - and so little quality. On top of that, the rights to the Barcelona matches are sold to the Spanish satellite channel on pay-per-view TV, so fans are forced into a bar to see their idols play if they don't have satellite or can't afford a season ticket, although they may have scraped together some money for a shirt - and all to see them lose.

And now we're really starting to see the true colours of some of the players that are being paid millions to stick the ball in the back of the net. Deco, for instance, close to the start of the season had stated that if there was no silverware to speak of at the end of it then a move would be in order for him. And not so long ago, Eto'o also declared himself ready to up sticks if there was no glory on its way, to the club that offers the most money, he says with a laugh. Oh yes, there's also Ronaldinho, who, supposedly, is said to have signed for a move to AC Milan, after several weeks of sitting around on a nice cosy bench. Why don't they sign up more local lads instead - "Here you go son, here's €5,000 a month" and watch them take you to the Champion's League final.

So yes, I'm not Barcelona's greatest fan at the moment. In fact, I'm still sucking on sour grapes after Ronaldhino got sent off 20 minutes into the league game against Getafe in May of last year - at roughly 70 GBP per ticket. Quina vergonya!

But, like I said, life goes on. I think I've said enough for now. I'm off to buy some white handkerchiefs...

Once in this Rocker's Lifetime...

2007-09-17T18:07:00.000+01:00

17/09/2007

Isn't life unfair sometimes? Or could we actually say it's fair? All depends how you look at it, I guess. Have been in Spain for nearly three years and, wanting all my life to see him play, have missed Bruce Springsteen come to town year after year, the radio announcing tickets have sold out yet again in a record number of hours. And I've always wondered, how do people do it? Are they stalking him? Are they bugging his phone? Intercepting his post? Just how the hell do they find out?

But this year, my friends, I'm delighted to be on the ball and know that the Boss is coming to Bilbao National Exhibition Centre on November the 26th of 2007, with the tickets going on sale October the 9th of 2006, just kidding, 2007, I'm not that competitive! So, yes, this year I'm thrilled to be actually in with a chance of living a dream (that of living out my Summer of 69 guitar fantasy at the graduation leaving dinner escaped way back in 2004!). Come midnight, Monday the 8th of October, my computer will be switched on, the Messenger sign on "Not available" and I'll be hammering on the keys in the battle for the tickets, the adrenaline pumping round my fingers!

So where's the catch? Well, guess who's reforming after 19 years for a one-night only concert in London? Here's a clue: Stairway to Heaven. Yep, that's right, Page, Plant and Jones, joined by Jason Bonham (John Bonham's son) are back together for a tribute gig to the founder of Atlantic records. And would you Adam and Eve the date of the gig? - November 26th of 2007! What is a boy to do! Opt for Jimmy Page ripping through "Black Dog", or watch Bruce whip up thousands into a frenzy with "Born to Run"?

Chances are I'd never get over to the UK for the Zep anyway. So I'll curse our friend Murphy, but I'll happily console myself with being in-the-know as to Brucie's arrival and the chance to welcome him to Bilbao. After all, if ever people should ask, "Where were you when Led Zeppelin reformed?", I'll then be able to reply "In a Bruce Springsteen concert." And it's not often you get to say that, is it?

Lucky Man

2007-09-15T12:54:00.000+01:00

15/09/2007

Ladies and gentleman, I must confess to having been an extremely lucky man yesterday. As I dashed out for the train to Barcelona the following contents, oblivious to me, took leave of my wallet: credit card, social security card, health insurance card, Makro card plus a not-so-valuable points card. I'd like to think that everything has its logical explanation, so when I pulled out my wallet in Barcelona to find I had only the cash card I reasoned -falsely now, I admit- that they must all have been lying safely on the coffee table at home.

So you can imagine my surprise, not to mention gratitude, to receive a call at the lunch table from Caixa Catalunya savings bank, telling me they had all my cards safely stored behind the service desk, and not gathering dust on the aforementioned coffee table as I'd calmly assured myself! The bank informed me that a senior citizen had found them all lying on the pavement by the train station and handed them into the nearby chemist's, thinking they must have belonged to a customer, and that the chemist had then passed them on to the bank in the square there.

Fate had it that in this day and age of dishonesty my property fell into the right hands. So I shall be popping into the chemist's next week to express my gratitude. But as for the observant and honest senior citizen, I've not the faintest idea who it could have been, so if you're reading this, Sr, I'd just like to say a heartfelt thank you for doing me such a good turn. I just wish I could say this to you in person.

The Transylvania Chronicles - Day Nine

2007-09-11T15:38:00.000+01:00

9th September 2007,
Sabadell, SPAIN

Now that we have said goodbye to this delightful country, how would I describe Rumania? I would say it's a very open country, one where several languages, besides Rumanian, are understood. Yes, "open" would be the best description for me. There were very few people, even in some of the most remote places, who couldn't string together a few words in English. All the same, I'd like to return some day with some Rmanian in my head.

I hate to sound like a capitalist here, but I'd say "value for money" also springs to mind. Generally everything was much cheaper than we imagined, something which you may or may not have gathered in the course of these chronicles. Especially the food (how i love a good meal!). Rumania is definitely the kind of country you want to come to with an empty suitcase!

The scenery: picturesque. The roads are rocky, but the views of the mountains, and from there, are magnificent, the kind that make us realise we're mere mortals compared to the natural world. A feast for photographers, especially rural Romania with its painted houses and the crosses in the gardens.

How was the tour? Fabulous. I'd do it all over again. I hope to come back some day, maybe see a different part of Rumania and learn more. Besides the beautiful views and places of interest, the other thing that made it great was the company. It's a shame our paths have never crossed earlier in life, but I'm sure I'll see them again because these have been the days.

With these words I draw these chronicles of this voyage to a close. Goodbye, Rumania, and moltmesc. Maybe we'll meet again some day.

The Transylvania Chronicles - Day Eight

2007-09-11T15:32:00.000+01:00

7th September 2007,
Bucharest, RUMANIA

The tour operators definitely saved the very best until last today with (another) bumpy ride to Lake Snagov, the historic signifance of which you'll know by now (if not, see the previous entry - and then learn it, damn it!). The lake itself surrounds the monastery housing big Vlad's tomb. Of course, whether this is his actual resting place is conjecture. I'd like to be the first to confirm it, but I can't. Doh! Below the beating sun, the priest, the only one there actually is on the island, related its history to us between mobile phone calls before letting us nose around.

Having feasted on history for the day, we all piled on the bus for Bucharest (oi, oi!), where our first stop was the "Museo de la Aldea" and the second one lunch (shame about the miserable waitress!). We were then taken to see the city's architectural masterpiece: the Palace of the Parliament, a building that the guide was evidently proud of, and with good reason. You'll see why in the photographs.

After slipping in one final church, we had free time to wander round the city, which is more beautiful than I first imagined, I confess. It's still dark though! Unfortunately, we couldn't find a novel, as is our custom of taking some literature from every country, which shows how "unpopular" the Rumanian language is. But maybe Rumanian will have its day as the country consolidates its place in Europe.

The goodbye dinner was a slightly sober affair, everyone knowing we'd come to the end of the road. Some were looking forward to going home, some wanting to stay longer (maybe that was just me!). E-mails, telephone numbers and embraces were exchanged, the sign of a successful tour and good time had by all, but always a slightly tearful affair.

We decided to make the most of a cold evening and had one final drink in the city. Much to our delight, the final waitress was Spanish-speaking, as if trying to bring us closer to home. There were some final laughs as we remembered some humourous times during the trip and spoke of equally humourous times at home.And that was where our journey came to an end.

Yours with a tear,
Peter

The Transylvania Chronicles -Days Six and Seven

2007-09-11T13:08:00.000+01:00

6th September 2007,
Sinaia, RUMANIA

Again I must apologise for keeping you all in the dark, my friends. I'm failing in my duties as a chronicler, but in my defence the last two days have been so much fun these pages have remained buried in the bottom of my trendy rucksack.

Yesterday it was an early start to Brasov, the capital of the Brasov county and charming medieaval city. The weather threatened to ruin the occasion, but smiled kindly upon us to make it a fabulous day. We first called in at Miercurea Cruic, a delightful village where we visted a small but very interesting museum on Rumanian books and publishing (more interesting than you might have thought!).

After a not-so-tiring journey on the coach this time we made it to Brasov, where the Black Church stands (religion is everything here!), for a delicious lunch (compliments to the chef!). We popped into the Black Church and then enjoyed some free time to buy some funky souvenirs. I got my "Smile from Transylvania" T-shirt, Mari got her chessboards (something she'll soon wipe the floor with me at!) and Manel got his cakes!

From there we headed for our 4-star hotel in Sinaia, the Pearl of the Carpathians. Sinaia is a charming place, but let me tell you a little about this hotel: a shower like an old man peeing, no plug for the wash basin, no mini-bar (4-star and no mini bar??) and dry bread for breakfast...but there was more to come.

Day Seven...Now, on day six of the tour, things got off to an unpleasant start with the receptionist trying to pin some damages to the room on the brothers from Madrid. Our first and very brief visit was to the Sinaia monastery, up in the mountains. Obviously it was quiet and the monks there might not have appreciated our keysters there gawping at them, but that's life I'm afraid - I've paid my leu!

Next stop: Peles Castle, the former residence of the Rumanian royal family. I have to tell you it's most exquisite place. In fact the tourists are made to wear slippers inside, and understandably so, because everything is carpeted. The castle is a bit like a British stately home, but with more statuettes, though equally impressive decor. Such a place always makes me nervous: all those valuable objects for me to smash to pieces with my rucksack!

The chef must once again be complemented on a gorgeous meal, this time of skewered beef and cheesy potatoes, but not before spoiling with the creamiest, yummiest soup on what has been a cold day. Good work, my friend!

The Bran Castle is another fantastic piece of architecture and was our second stop - it has to be so for the movies! The fact is, though, that Vlad the Impaler never actually lived there at all in his lifetime - blame Hollywood if you thought that! It's on a slope, which makes it a bit of a trek, but one well worth making culturally speaking. My favourite part was the secret passageway to the top floor of the castle. I think it's just the idea of it being secret that gets my juices going!

Oh, by the way, our maid had an excellent way of making the beds - just slinging the duvet over the sheets without tucking it in! If that's not 4-star service... Gave me a laugh all the same!

Time to switch out the ligh. Tomorrow it's a journey to Bucharest and we'll be passing through Snagov, where Vlad the Impaler is believed to be buried by the lake. Will the truth be revealed?

Yours with anticipation,
Petrus

The Transylvania Chronicles - Days Four and Five

2007-09-11T12:29:00.000+01:00

4th September 2007,
Bistrita, RUMANIA

Well I guess I'd better get down to brass tacks, since we've got a lot to catch up on; I left you, my dear reader, twiddling your thumbs last night, didn't I? My humble apologies for that.

So, we headed for Bistrita via Sighisoara, but not before catching up on one of the sights we missed the other day, a monastery in Medias. Then it was off to another church (by this time one of the group was thoroughly fed up of seeing churches and remained outside on the bus). Still, we got a nice calendar for next year in the office! I should also take the opportunity to thank the BBC for their brilliant weather forecast of sunny weather for the whole five days: they got it completely wrong and it chucked it down with rain for the whole morning. Nice job there, boys. Michael Fish would be proud.

Soaked to the skin almost we jumped back onto the coach for Sighisoara, where the ruins of the mediaeval old town, the watchtower and the museum of weapons lie. The place was beautiful and had some breathtaking views, but it's a bit of a hike and somewhat hazardous for pensioners, or even if you're just plain knackered. Then after lunch, which was most delicious and filling I must add, we set sail (on the coach) for Bistrita, which is where the Dracula novel opens.

The journey to our hotel in Bistrita was a long but not completely unentertaining tale, thanks to the Rumanian infrastructure. Maybe they do need those funds after all. The roads were an absolute nightmare, enough to give you the most brutal whiplash! Still, we were able to laugh it off by watching Mari try to eat her biscuit - the road wasn't having it! The crumbs went flying everywhere.

Our first destination for Day Five of these chroncicles was Hotel Dracula (it would have been lovely to stay there, but it wasn't to be), the only hotel in the world with this name. The hotel has fabulous views, and they also have the remains of Vald the Impaler preserved there ;). But then it was on to the coach for a four-hour journey to Targu Mures, at which we arrived roughly around 2.15pm for some din-dins!

So with a lovely lunch rumbling inside of us we visited an orthodox cathedral and were let loose to wander the town, which was beautiful, for unfortunately just 30 minutes. Still, it was enough time for me to but the pen with which I write these notes and which bears my name on it in Rumanian: PETRUS: "Pacific and harmonious, and representing beauty and tenderness." True or false?!

Ten-past-five and on to the bus again for a three-hour journey to the quaint little town of Odorheiu Secuiesc. Meanwhile, a surprise was being prepared for Manel's birthday, an excuse for us all to go out and get some alcohol into us! Happy birthday, señor!

By the way, the bar at which we had our meal was called Opium, a nice end to the day bringing back fond memories of Edinburgh and the heavy metal bar of the same name!

Time to put the pen down I'm afraid and close my eyes. I've a feeling we may have a long journey ahead tomorrow.

Godspeed,
Petrus

The Transylvania Chronicles - Day Three

2007-09-11T12:24:00.000+01:00

2nd September 2007,
Medias, RUMANIA

It's 10.30pm here and after a long day, one of mixed emotions it has to be said, we're now in Medias. Last night we were kept up late by some raucous wedding celebrations held at the hotel in Bucharest and guess what? It's more of the same here!

This morning we were up at 7am and on the coach at 8am. But it got better: a five-hour coach journey to our first destination, Sibiel. Still, we did get a laugh on the coach at the psychopathic dogs in the garage which chased all the cars driving away from it! They even went for the bus!

When we finally arrived the first thing we did was sit down for lunch in a house in beautiful rural Transylvania (I think I'm falling in love with this country), where we served by a country girl and her young child. Unfortunately, we were forced to sit with people who only wanted to talk about nationalist politics, which made for a tense and uncomfortable meal. I was glad when everyone had sipped down their coffee.

From there we visited a small museum home to the world's oldest collection of iconographic paintings. It was nice, although I can't for one minute pretend to be an expert on Romanian art. We left the museum and headed on to Sibiu, and I have to say it was beautiful. We visited a couple of churches, in which one tombstone comically read, "This time it's me; next time it's you." Very comforting! The third church we saw was one of the finest houses of God I've ever seen, all painted inside.

Following the churches, we had some free time to wander round Sibiel. The market was lovely as were the buildings. We've got some wonderful photos (despite the gypsy who wouldn't stop hassling me while I had my photo taken) and I can't wait to show you how beautiful this land is to me. I was going to buy a statuette of a little Romanian old deer, the typical kind you'd imagine seeing in the mountains babbling away at you in the tongue of the land, but it was a touch too expensive.

Right now we've just come back from a lovely meal, a very fairly price one at that: 2 pizzas, 1 salad, 1 bowl of chips and 3 Diet Cokes - 12 euros, it doesn't get better than that! My apologies for not going Romanian culinarily speaking, but at that price sod culture!

I think it's time to go. It's nearly 11pm here, but we need to catch up on our sleep. Up till now I'm loving this fine land. Why do so many leave it?

Peter

The Transylvania Chronicles - Day Two

2007-09-10T19:12:00.000+01:00

1st September 2007,
Bucharest, RUMANIA

To my dear reader,

So, after what seemed a never-ending plane journey we've finally set foot on Romanian soil. Of course, no sooner had we taken our first steps and there was already somebody pushing their luck for money. To be fair, he did load my suitcase into the boot of the taxi from its spot two inches away on the ground - chancer!

We arrived roughly around 17:00 Rumanian time at the hotel. Our room is very nice, not the hell-hole we thought they might have booked for us. You know the one I mean, the 'special suite'. As our taxi cruised into Bucharest I took in the scenery. The pavements and some of the buildings are dirty, kind of reminds of my hometown a little, that kind of dirt. But other buildings were astoundingly beautiful, so Bucharest is kind of handsome by day, but dark and dangerous by night. And despite being a former Communist Bloc state and expecting there to be poverty on every corner - admittedly there is a lot- so far I've seen an Audi 4x4, a Porsche 911 and a Ferrari F40 parked up! In need of EU subsidies - possibly not!

Despite the dirty streets and the darkness (maybe Stoker's imagination didn't work overtime) the weather is warm and the walk has been pleasant. As interesting to look at the buildings is to look at the people and observe how different they are from us. They've looked after us well so far, and there are lots of people who speak English, which made life easier in the restaurant, where we had a lovely meal (beef ciorba - soup to you and I!- followed by a delicious steak), and it did not put me off having what turned out to be a respectable crack at the language. A hell of an investment that book.

We've also made a new friend, Manel, a decent type who runs his own travel agency but whose girlfriend works in Greece, I gather. Maybe he might be able to do us a discount some time! But, no, seriously, maybe he'll be able to do us a discount...

Tomorrow we're heading for Sibiu, the European Capital of Culture in 2007. It's an early start of 7:50am out the front of the hotel, so I guess some of the other guests could be in for a culture shock before we even get there, seeing as I can be a real barrel of laughs at that time of the day (has it even begun?) - if you know me well then you'll also realise I'm being ironic.

Anyways, I've said enough for one blog. Besides, I need to get my beauty sleep, something of which I need an exceptional amount, since we were up late last night and then early today.

From the "Peter Express" I bid you Napti buna (Goodnight).

The Transylvania Chronicles - Day One

2007-09-10T19:10:00.000+01:00

31st August 2007,
Sabadell, SPAIN

"We are in Transylvania; and Transylvania is not England. Our ways are not your ways, and there shall be to you many strange things."*

The words of the world's most famous vampire, from the pen of the Irish writer who put Rumania on the map. And here, at 1.20am, with my case finally packed, I ask which ways the infamous count is referring to, ways which shall become known to me tomorrow evening when we touch down in the mysterious Rumania for day one of our summer break.

I've read Stoker's novel and scared the living daylights out of myself the other evening with Francis Ford Coppola's cinematic interpretation of the story (despite Keanu Reeve's put-on British accent truly grating on me, not to mention Winona Ryder's). Both raise questions: were people in Stoker's time truly much braver in the face of mortal danger? It would seems more so than they are today, I feel. Yes, the traditional literature of the English-speaking world was one of heroes.

My other question is, what is Rumania like? Is it as foreboding and dangerous as painted by Stoker and Coppola? I know not what to expect. Stoker's work has bestown such a novel kind of mystery upon the country, the prospect of a clash between fiction and reality. Will Stoker's reality, which we imagine to be fiction, have been preserved in modern Rumania and actually therefore be fact? Or will it all have changed and his work remain the fiction we've always taken it to be?

I look forward to finding out and to sharing my thoughts with you, my dear reader.

Your friend,
P

* (Stoker, Bram, "Dracula," Oxford Uni Press, Oxford, 1995, pg 21: 10-12.)

A Question of Sport?

2007-08-31T17:53:00.000+01:00

28/06/2007

"It's not the winning, it's the taking part that counts." How many times did you hear that on your school sports day? A couple of hundred I guess, if you were like me (a titan in English and language classes but a lightweight on the sports field). You know, you came last but you put up a brave fight, played the part of the valiant underdog and that's heroic.

I write this to you on the back of reading how Tim Henman has gone crashing out of Wimbledon in another five-set thriller, that still there's always next year. Admittedly, you've got to feel a little sorry for the lad and the immmense burden he has to carry on his shoulders: every year the crowds get right behind him, spurred on by the media who encourage us to pin all our hopes on him, since he's the only one of our lot for who the tournament won't be over on the first day.

Then there's our football heroes in the England squad. They battle hard (rallied by the patriotic "Great Escape" in the background), but, alas, our Achilles Hell of penalties lets us down again...and again...and again. Of course, we just pat them on the back and say, "Oh well, you tried hard but it was those damned pesky penalties again. Get us every time. Doh!"

So maybe we should be less supportive and more pessimestic towards our sporting heroes. Maybe if we were to expect nothing but the worst and react with a bit of more venom, they might just develop the killer instinct, get out there and show us what they're made of, purely for the sake of silencing the critics and the millions of down-doers. What do we care what they're reasons are? We just want to see some silverware- and have something to believe in. Wouldn't that be nice? Go on, lads surprise us!

If You Were Here, Truman...

2007-08-31T17:51:00.002+01:00

04/07/2007

Dear Mr Capote,

Have just watched "Capote" again, a bio-pic on yourself and how you wrote "In Cold Blood," your magnum opus by all accounts. Hope to find some time to bury myself in it someday. The film itself was fabulous, the kind that has you talking about it once you exit the cinema and are in the car on the drive home, so many questions...

The main one is, what made you write it? Id like to think that it was because you were a good person, that you were not so vain as the media would have us believe, that you really felt those men had some good in them deep down instead of being the monsters we all thought. You maybe actually even loved one of them. Did you? That would be the optimist in me.

Then there's another voice, suggesting it was all fuelled by the desire to be famous, to be somebody. Was it? According to the film, you could have cleared them, saved their lives, but then in their hour of need you weren't there, didn't want to know. Is that true? Were you using them? Is the suggestion of betrayal, although they murdered and forfeited their freedom in society, justified?

Which one of the voices is right, Mr Capote? Which? How I'd love to know.

Crossing the Ocean of Time

2007-08-31T17:50:00.000+01:00

11/07/2007

So, it's official. For my summer holidays this year I shall be visiting Romania, the land of Dracula, as you know, on a Transylvania Carpathians tour and also the supposed resting place of Vlad the Impaler by Lake Snagov. They say it's there, but have you ever read "The Historian"? In typical Da Vinci Code-style Elisabeth Kostova, the author(ess), suggests it may be...somewhere else (I won't spoil it for you!). Well whatever she believes, I have to at least go and check it out. After all, I was born in the North only an hour or so away from the fishing town of Whitby, which Bram Stoker cherished so dearly as to make it part of the setting for his famous work.

Still, you've gotta wonder what the Romanians make of it all, even if it was their own history and folklore that started it! Maybe they're a bit fed up of all this interest for a savage and sadistic ruler who took pleasure in torturing and murdering his own people: six centuries on and he's drawing crowds - though I guess it was more a case of the opposite back then- and having people yapping on about him. Perhaps I'll see it written in the faces of Romanian's today: "Here we go with the old Dracula shit again."

Which makes me wonder if I should find something else to ask about once I'm there (just need to brush up on my Romanian first!), or spice up proceedings by waving round the Hungarian flag. But then again it's a pretty long drop from the Carpathians, and the wolves must get awful hungry! So maybe I should embrace old Vlad T, just like the rest of them.

La revedere!

Go Green - In Whose Interest?

2007-08-31T17:49:00.001+01:00

15/07/2007

I think green. I really do. All these warnings about climate change, a bid to save the planet for the future generations, I take notice of them. All the requests to recycle, I take notice of them. When the temperatures are hitting over 30ºC, I sit and sweat it out in my bermuda shorts and, in the name of everything green, resort to homemade air conditioning: shirt off, window open. And since we see some pretty severe water shortages in the summer, I try to waste as little water as possible too, in consideration of the reservoirs drying up further south.

Then there's the question of other resources. So I recycle. Plastic, glass, card, paper, you name it, my flat is littered with it, ready for transportation to the nearest recycling bin. Energy these days is an issue, so I have my energy-saving light bulbs in place. This is my bit to try and keep the world turning for the future generations. What are you doing?

The thing is though, you've gotta wonder in whose interests all this is really for. I mean, why they're really telling us to do all this. Just looking in a local bookshop the other day: last year it was all Da Vinci Code rip offs; this year climate change is the subject of the literary world's preocupations. How convenient. Ex-presidential candidate Al Gore, he's especially worried about it, what with a book and a film on the matter (anybody know if the proceeds are going to charity?).

There's also the price of green products and resources. Can anyone tell me why an energy-saving light bulb is twice the price of a standard one? And why the plastic I put in the recycling bin, only for some fashion designer, if the documentary I saw is to believed, to use for making a scarf? Can I presume the benefits of this re-usage of material are being passed on to the consumer?

Maybe the climate really has changed. Now it's one in which the genuine concern behind the warnings of the tree-hugging 1990s is lost. Today, raising awareness and telling people to "Think green" seems nothing more than an opportunity for those saying so to make some of the green stuff for themselves. It's pretty sad that the world is beginning to literally revolve around money.

British Botched-Job Corporation

2007-08-31T17:47:00.000+01:00

Just wanted to say how nice it is to see the BBC getting things wrong and receiving the due backlash and relevant fines for it.

First they fake the results of a Blue Peter competition - how's that for low?
Then they broadcast our beloved lady of the "Annus horribilis" -as opposed to the "horribilus anus"-, HM Queen Elizabeth II, apparently throwing a tantrum (we didn't know she had it in her!).
Now they've committed the cardinal sin of cutting out part of Metallica's performance at the Live Earth concert, which has led it to issue a frank apology (hey that makes it a hat-trick!) to us shaggy-haired rocker types. Apology begrudgingly accepted!

Amazingly, despite all the revenue from the inflated licence fee, the BBC still belts out nothing but cheap soaps and episode after episode of "classic comedy" (in the current climate of "think green" maybe it's their idea of recycling), yet the entertainment value actually comes in the form of broadcasting misdemeanours and watching them splutter and bash out apologies faster than Dad's Army re-runs, sorry, classic comedies, keep forgetting.
I say it's high time we scrapped the licence fee. Who needs a TV when we can get our movies from the internet pirates and our other viewing kicks from YouTube?
Failing that, just buy yourself a TV anyway and forget about the licence fee if you live on the top floor. Whenever the doorbell rings, simply check from on high. If they're carrying a clipboard and an apologetic look on the face, you're out!

Travel Makes Brothers in Arms

2007-08-31T17:46:00.001+01:00

18/07/2007

Has your flight ever been delayed by a ridiculous number of hours? Has your train ever been announced as running 30 mins late mid-evening, after a hard day's work? Have you ever waited 1 hr 30 mins and had time to read the magazines in the doctor's waiting room from cover to cover?

Well I've been through all these phenomena, and I imagine you can sympathise too. Yesterday I fell foul of a train delay. Underground, with no air and in baking heat, the homebound train was announced as off for me and the rest of the mass on the platform (standing room only). Finally it arrived, followed by a good old fashioned kerfuffle with the electronic notice board, meaning we all had to jump off if we didn't want to go on a magical mystery tour (the Beatles had time on their hands!).

So praise be, our chariot arrived and it was second time lucky, we're all on our way home, neatly packed together like sardines in a tin. As the journey drew to a close, a toddler splattered me and all the other passengers in the compartment with yoghurt, just to ensure our shirts remained sticking to us.

What's so special about all this? Well, it's the feeling of complete strangers becoming long lost friends when we're all thrown into, ironically, the same boat. Some make light of the situation, some complain and some look out for the well being of the rest; and the longer we're all together waiting for the object of our inconveniences to deliver, the harder it becomes to see them walk out of my life.

It's like in the movies: they all start out with clean clothes, go through hell and back together, then part their separate ways looking dishevelled and Bruce Willis-like in the wake of another Die Hard epic.

So you never can tell. Next time you find yourself in a Planes, Trains and Automobiles moment because the public transport sector is gunning for a World Record in Incompetency, don't sigh in exasperation, blow your fringe up and ask, "So this is what I'm paying for, is it?" Instead, smile and take a look around: a potential soulmate or friend to the end may be watching how you handle the oars.

Bon voyage!

Not Enough Bad Medicine

2007-08-31T17:45:00.000+01:00

As I sit here with my new MP3 on, Bon Jovi's "Lay Your Hands on Me" blasting into my earholes, the guys getting down and dirty with their instruments, I feel a passionate urge to set hairy-chested rocker Jon Bon Jovi, he of Slippery When Wet fame, straight on a thing or two.

I miss those guys. Yep, it's true, I really do miss them. I miss the days when they made records that sounded like they lived for rock 'n' roll ("It feels so good, it ought to be illegal" you sang). And where have all the cowboys gone?

What drives me to say this?

It would have to be the interview with Mr Jovi in The Guardian today. In it, he tells us he'd like to think his music has progressed rather than pandered to fashions or favourites. Well, I'm sorry to say that he's wrong on that score: the band has let their old-school fans down ever since Keep the Faith (their last great album IMHO).

These days - ever since the These Days album, actually- they couldn't sound more commercial if they tried, with the same tired old spiel about living one's own life, about survival, plus the sing-along-if-you-know-the-words lyrics. The Jove were very nearly "back" with Have a Nice Day, but it wasn't to be; there they were again with those lyrics!

Come on guys, rember the veterans! Don the cowboy hats -let Sambora down a bottle of whisky if he has to- and get some decent lyrics down, the type that sound as if they've been written on the road. Then blend them all with that brutal New Jersey sound.

Stop being pin-up boys and be the rock stars you once were. We'll thank you for it.You've seen a million faces and rocked them all! This is my personal plea for you to do it to us all over again - cos it was great!

National Insecurity

2007-08-31T17:44:00.000+01:00

24/07/2007

Today a quick word on national security after a Guardian article about the arrest of two The Mirror journalists for trying to plant a fake bomb on the London underground. They'd aimed to expose serious lapses of security in the system.

It's not the first time journalists have engaged in this kind of practice. We've had reporters waltz into airports with fake weapons or explosives and breeze through "security checks" undetected before. Some years ago there was an incident -admittedly, a question of security in general rather than national security- in which a journalist "broke into" Buckingham Palace by hopping over the wall. And they do this, again, to expose lax security.

Maybe so. And maybe we're all under the threat of terrorism. But shall I tell you what scares me most? Not that journalists actually succeed in their experiments, but that they actually announce it to the nation afterwards.

All those fanatics who loathe the West and everything it stands for may, like the rest of us, be none the wiser if it were not for these scaremongers exposing our weak points, putting us even further on edge. What are they gonna tell us next? That the police don't really carry bullets in their guns?

"Ignorance is bliss" the saying goes, and in this case it may well be true. I remember when Bob Hoskins used to strut round the house for BT, back in the days when our calls were less closely monitored, and tell us, "It's good to talk." Then he'd break into a big belly laugh.

Maybe they should bring that advert back, but with the message modified to reflect the times we live in and Bob raising a finger to his lips: "It's good to talk...but it's safer to keep your mouth shut."

A Fundamental Question

2007-08-31T17:42:00.000+01:00

06/08/2007

One magical Olympic night in Atlanta, a man going by the name of Michael Johnson hurtled round the bend and into the straight and crossed the line in a world record time of 19.32 seconds. Behind him, in the crowd, the camera flashes went off like fireworks, the people wishing to capture the memorable moment (who knows how their photos actually turned out!)and take it home to show their grandchildren, no doubt. Now the great man himself joins Big Colin Jackson and blonde Sue Barker every summer to sit and natter about athletics. Just imagine how the title of "200m World Record Holder" must have looked on his CV when he posted it off to the BBC.

Why do I mention all this? Well, the other day Spanish TV screened its own Record Breakers-style programme, in which some weightlifter trying to hurl a human being as far as he could in an attempt to break his own record, which he did in the end. No, it wasn't dwarf throwing; the sport has gone politically correct and they just chuck a 10-stone weakling instead. This guy was then followed by a woman attempting to break the world record for putting the most objects in glasses with her toes in the space of a minute whilst standing on her hands (i didn't stick around for that one). Unfortunately, the man who currently holds the world record for clipping the most pegs on his face couldn't make it.

Now take Michael Johnson's record, an outstanding achievement of which any athlete can be proud and one worth recording or having a crack at. But as for these other records, well I've one small question: why? They're not even a half-decent party trick (I met a guy once who could pick up a pint of beer and sink it in one without using his hands - that was impressive, my friends!). Did anyone know such a record exists? Do they even care to break it, and if they do, would they own up to it afterwards? Michael Johnson must feel pretty insulted to have performed a truly mind-blowing physical feat, only to be placed in the same pages as the guy with the longest fingernails in the world!

Anyways, I'm gonna hang out some washing while the sun's still out. Ah shit, has anyone seen my pegs?

Devils in Disguise

2007-08-31T17:41:00.000+01:00

17/08/2007

Can't wait to see the Formula One kick back off, now that we have a new rising star to place our hopes and dreams in, an inspiration to boy racers everywhere: Mr Lewis Hamilton. It's fabulous to see the roar of a British driver's engine make the rest of the world stand up and listen again. After all, Coulthard and Button have put on a poor show on our behalf.

I've never liked Alonso. Dull, arrogant and stroppy have always been the things that spring to mind at the mention of his name. They still do so after his little performance in the pit lane the other day. Incidentally, a rumour has come to my attention that he ain't as squeaky clean as he'd have us believe; that, allegedly, he's never thought twice about necking some beer and doing the dirty on his other half - hijo de perra!

But what about Mr Hamilton? Isn't he a little bit on the naughty side too? Understandably, after 10 years with McLaren, he's not gonna move over for the world champion just like that. For me, that's the source of the rift between the two drivers (not that anyone would actually like to be matey with Alonso anyway- Massa's much more fun!). That's the thing causing the team strategy to go pear-shaped. Not to mention the fuel being added to the fire by the revelation that young Lewis is getting it on with the boss's daughter.
I've also been informed that the calm and collected Mr Raikonnnen is not what he seems either. Allegedly, the Finn of few words likes to live it up a little and is said to have been caught with two ladies in his hotel room, naturally following a couple of beers, cocktails or whatever the clandestine hellraiser's tipple of choice maybe.

All that glitters may not be gold. It all reminds me of the scandals involving the England players and the infamous 'Dentist's Chair', a chair unlike like the one in my dear Mr Fletcher's local practice ( How you diddlin'?). They weren't discreet about practices of theirs improper of sportsmen and it made us angry.

But maybe next time we're slagging off Alonso, we should remember that he who is without sin should cast the first stone - and that might not be Hamilton.

Pretty Vacancies

2007-08-31T17:40:00.000+01:00

20/08/2007

Was just watching the classic "Norman Lamont incident" with Julian Clary and stumbled across another live wire: Mr John Lydon, better known to some as Johnny Rotten, of the Sex Pistols.

Loud, uncouth, ignorant, unpredictable and uncontrollable, I used to think the guy who had everyone locking up their daughters in those torrid times was a total loser. But after checking some of his interviews my opinions have changed.

Of course, the guy steamrollers over the interviewer and says what he thinks -no change there- which is why he must be given credit where it's due! As blunt as a sledgehammer, Rotten's honesty makes his interviews a scream to watch ("I've got a few words for you!" at the Q Awards).

Back in the day, everyone was against him. His music was feared by the Establishment, who didn't want the nation's youth being corrupted by Rotten's politics and anti-social behaviour. He was feared even more by parents, who didn't want young anarchists to contend with in their households ("Can you pass me the salt? - Up yours!").

The media backlash against all things Rotten was equally brutal. It gave him an excuse to dish out revenge of the most humilliating kind on live TV. Some of those unsuspecting interviewers should have really known what they were in for.

Now, in the late 20th century and early 21st, Lydon is a star again, a while back having been in "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here".

But there is one crucial difference: he hasn't sold out and probably never will.

Instead he continues to slag off his critics and generally insult all those who've been against him in the past, not to mention those who ask lousy questions or make duff comments. It all makes this interview with Richard and Judy interview pure gold (I've always said she's one stupid madam!).

Honesty is the best policy - and there's no-one more honest than Johnny Rotten. If I thought he'd appreciate it, I'd give him an award.

Nice Day for the Ducks...and for Me!

2007-08-31T17:38:00.000+01:00

22/08/2007

In life they say there's a first time for everything. For the first time in my life I'm going to resist the temptation to whinge about the weather. Here it's been wet and windy, we've had a couple of thunderstorms -which plays merry hell with my internet connection- and the Spanish August has failed abysmally to live up to expectations.

But who cares about that when you may well have cheated a certain demise?

What am I blethering on about, you ask. Well if you've been following my blog, you'll know that my holiday destination this year is the land of a certain Mr Vlad the Impaler, a trip I shall be chronicling for your reading (dis?)pleasure. What you may not know, however, is that this was not Plan A nor even Plan B, but actually Plan C.

Thanks to the almost criminal incompetence of the internet company we booked with, Mari and I missed out on our tour of Italy in late August and then again on a sunkissed holiday for the same time in our Plan B destination: the Mayan Riviera.

At the time I turned the air bluer than the skies. But as Hurricane Dean rips through the Carribean, I now thank the company for their prizeworthy mismanagement of my booking and forcing me to pick again, even if there is the highly unlikely prospect of having to mix it up with Rumania's infamous wolves and "pikies".

I can't tell you how much more this particular Jonathan Harker is looking forward to getting away with his Mina for a while. I'm relishing the chance to sink my own fangs into real Rumanian cuisine, soak up the sights - especially to watch the modern Transylvania smash the foreboding literary one into oblivion- and even give the lingo a crack.

Might not get too far with this last one, though. C'est la vie, c'est la vie...

I'll keep you posted.

Yours in garlic,
Count Peter