I'm a Christmas Shopper, Get Me Out of Here!

'Tis the season of bah humbug, 'twould appear. Always makes me laugh how grumpy people get toward Christmas. Seems to be becoming an annual pain in the proverbial for some - up there with filling in tax returns and spring cleaning. 

But soon Christmas Eve arrives and it's marvellous. Getting together with your mates, having a few beers and a laugh, and collectively hoping you can manage Christmas dinner the next day (yes, you will, you always have done). 

You make it to Christmas Day and, again, it's magical. Gorging on turkey and Quality Street, opening presents with family and seeing the delight / disappointment on their faces at your amazing/awful gift, and laughing at near-the-knuckle innuendos with words like 'giblets' and 'stuffing'. All in a nice warm sitting room. Lovely! 

Then there's Boxing Day for the post-Christmas Day hangover. Not me. I stay fresh. Second day of turkey and on to selection box number two already, and finding ways to pack up my presents for heading back up to bonny Scotland.  

Storm Before the Calm

But before all that, you have to get your presents. Last year I proposed the strategy of buying something practical plus a gift card for a win-win situation. It worked!

This year I'm wondering, what's the best way to do your Christmas shopping? Bit by bit, a big push in the final week or online?

Option A: Here a bit, there a bit

My own personal 'preference'. Wrap up warm and hit the high street, a little each time! 

The pros:

• I always come back with something nice for myself too
• I treat myself to lunch or a two-hour coffee break for all my hard graft
• I can see what I'm buying
• I get to laugh at other people getting grumpy. Heard several people dropping the F-bomb today!       

The cons:

• Queues
• Lots of pushing
• Having to dodge all kinds of chuggers, brass bands and what not on the main streets, in shop doorways, etc.

Option B: The Massive Push

Some people's preferred option is to do it all in one foul sweep the night before Christmas. I salute them!

The pros:

• More free time for you
• Getting it all done in the aforementioned foul swoop!

The cons:

• Higher stress levels
• Still have to cope with queues and people pushing
• Still have to avoid chuggers, brass bands and all other what not on main streets, in shop doorways, etc.

Option C: The Safe Haven of Amazon

Some people opt of the stress-free environment of Amazon and other online stores. Liking those apples!

The pros:

• Sometimes cheaper
• Avoids crowds, queues and chuggers, or even crowds of chuggers!
• Less hassle

The cons

• Pray the online company delivers on time
• You don't see what you buy until it arrives
• You can't laugh at other people getting highly strung over Christmas!

Just a few things to ponder for drawing up your plan of (no) action for Christmas shopping. 

Whichever you choose, though, just enjoy the smile on the recipient's face when they open your present. Resist the urge to say 'I went through hell to get that!'. Who knows? They might have been to hell AND back for yours!

Phyllis

I read a while back that there's no such thing as ghosts. It's funny how fiction can also contain elements of reality. 

This was in one of my beloved detective novels, of all things. In it, the main character comments that ghosts come from within. He feels they're a product of our fears, our worries or our sufferings, and our mind creates them to comfort us. 

It makes me wonder about a dream I had recently about you, Nana. You were in it, certainly. But were you in the room with me too? I dreamed you were hugging me. I could even feel something holding me.  

I even thought I saw you. The person in the dream - it was Edna - told me that the noises I could hear while I was sleeping were coming from you as you tidied my room. Why you were tidying my room, I don't know, but I didn't mind. I opened my eyes for a split second, but I don't know if this was in the dream or in real life, and there you were, making a right old racket. You were wearing your lilac outfit. 

I was in such a deep sleep I can't be sure, so maybe it was all just a pleasantly lucid dream.  But it's the second time I've had such a dream and felt you were there. Do you come to see me? Are you watching over me? 

I hope so. I wish I could see you.

How I wish I could see you and know that the novel is wrong.I guess I'll never.

Unlosing my Religion

If I say name two religions, the first two that pop into your head are probably Christianity and Islam. 

But apparently, there are over 10,000 separate religions, according to Microtrends, a smashing book I'm reading at the moment. This was at the time of writing, so you can be sure this number has risen by several thousand since then. 

Use the Force
The thing I found most interesting in all of this is that research shows two or three new religions are being created every day. Delightful! People are actually creating their own religions!

One that springs to mind immediately, of course, is the Jedi Faith. If you thought Brighton was just home to a thriving gay community, think again. Visit the Jedi Church website (www.jedichurch.org) and you'll find that 2% of Brighton's population believe in the Force.

So for a bit of fun, I typed in the search terms "weird religions", "strange religions" and "quirky religions" on Google. (Some people steal cars for fun, some do drugs... Me? I google stuff!) 

Here are a few I found. After reading some of these, you can't help but thank some divine being or other for free speech!

Apatheism
Or the religion of not giving a monkey's whether God exists or not, in other words! If God walked into an apatheist's house, looking to make a big entrance, and rustled up a spaghetti bolognese for them, the only reaction He'd get is 'Hmmmm, nice but could have done with a little more tomato in the sauce.

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monsters (Pastafarianism)
Officially registered, this strange religion believes the Flying Spaghetti Monster, working alongside pirates, brought the good there is on Earth. Their explanation for why the world is in moral decay - there's not enough pirates! The most evil people on the earth, according to them - gay people who give sweets to others. Oh dear!

The Prince Philip Movement (my personal favourite!)
Famous here for putting his foot in it, in another part of the world the Duke of Edinburgh is actually a divine being. To the Yaohnanen tribe on the island of Tanna, in Vanuatu, he - 'He', anyone? - is the son of a mountain spirit and a brother of John Frum (oh him, right!), some guy who was associated with cargo cults.

So next time you he's in the news for insulting deaf people or whatever, remember those words are gospel to others!

Which gets me thinking...
If you were to start your own religion, who or what would you worship? My friends will tell you I really have it bad for chocolate, so I think I'd have to pledge my allegiance to the Church of Cadburys. In fact, some might say I'm already there! 

You know what? Maybe I should. Enjoying chocolate wouldn't feel so sinful, then. Instead, I'd be just performing my religious duties. And whenever I was tempted to stray from the flock by dieting, one of the other followers could 'find' me again with a Caramel!

I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves... I know a song that'll get on your nerves...

I love seeing how other human beings interact and what makes them tick. Finding out if I have anything in common with others around me. Hearing about their interests, what they they do for fun and what they do for a living. What experiences they've had in life... where they come from and where they've been. I love it all.

And I like discovering their personality traits. I love discovering other people's quirks. It's funny how we're all different and how random we can all be. So when someone voices a random displeasure, normally by saying something like 'Sorry, but it just bugs me' or 'Sorry, but I just can't stand them', they've no need to apologise really. Because I love it!

I have one friend, for instance, who suddenly becomes impatient when she travels by train. Everywhere else she's as calm as the day is long, but as soon as she steps on the train her mannerisms change. Oh the human psyche!

So, in no particular order, here are a few random things that irk me.

Two pound coins
Hate these little blighters. These loathsome bits of metal imposed themselves upon the British currency in 1998. Fourteen years later and I still can't stand them.

Living in a city where you always have to exactly the right money for the bus fare, the two pound coin is the most infuriating invention ever. Hate getting them back in my change when I've purposely spent money just to have a pound coin for the bus.  

Whoever invented the two pound coin is clearly not from Edinburgh. Or maybe he or she is driven by chauffeur and just wants to wind the rest of us up. They're doing a good job if that's the case.

High heels
Controversial, but I'm throwing it out there! The ladies want to look a little taller. Fair play. At 5 ft 6 in I can empathise with that. But at the same time, what possessed the inventor to design a shoe that hurts the wearer. All that pressure on the heels ain't good for the spine, and on nights out heels hurt, especially when you cut a few shapes (and probably the back of your heels along with them!).

One of the worst inventions of all time in my eyes. That said, people who can walk on stilts impress me! Go figure!

Hob Nobs
Now a lot of you may be wondering what I have against this seemingly innocent biscuit! Well, I don't particularly like the taste or texture. Hob Nobs don't have the courage of their convictions to be a flapjack, nor to be a chocolate digestive, so they just fob the eater off with something between the two. Such a cowardly biscuit and a fence-sitter if ever there was one!

Then there's the discussion they caused between workers in the staff canteen. When asked which was the better biscuit out of Hob Nobs or chocolate Digestives, the Hob Nob roundly trounced the poor choccie Digestive. Couldn't believe it! What kind of world do we live in when people prefer a biscuit that has an identity crisis hahaha!

Button-up flies
Up there with high heels as one of the worst inventions ever. I'm a zip man all the way! Many a time I've been caught short and, once I finally made it to the bathroom, had to fight it out with the buttons on my flies. Not yet embarrassed myself that way, but there have been a few close calls! Some people don't like lace-up shoes; I'm anti-button-up flies! Kids say no!

So there we have it, guys and girls, ladies and gentlemen. Just a few of the daft little things that get under my skin! I'm not a fan of ranty blogs at all, but every now and then it's okay to have a rant, in my opinion, as long as you do it with humour. But be warned if you open a packet of Hob Nobs in front of me. It could all kick off haha! 

What are your daft pet hates? Go on. Spill 'em! You're not chicken, are you!

All the nice ones are taken!

All the nice ones are taken, aren't they! Life gives some other young stallion the good fortune to meet (and hook up with or marry) that one person who really lights your fire. It amuses itself by giving you a good, hard kick in the nuts like that!

Of course, you don't always instantly know the object of your affections is attached. How many times have you asked someone out but been shot down in flames with a 'Sorry, but I'm already seeing someone'? Not quite the reply you were hoping for, so you stammer a little, blush a little, apologise and be on your way.

So today I'm here to point out a few signs that a guy or girl might be single, help you avoid asking out people who are already in a relationship and, into the bargain, transform you into sleuths of the dating world! 

1. Look and listen
If they work with you or are part of your social group, keep your ears open during conversation. Amongst the talk of sport or technology, or of shoes and shopping, and all the other stuff of interest to the opposite sex, there may be mention of 'the wife', 'the missus', 'my lass / my lad', 'my bird' or of having to pick the kids up from school. All clear signs they're off limits - officially, at least. 

Obviously, check for rings, too.  If there's light bouncing off their ring finger into your eyes and blinding you, that's a pretty good sign, I'd say, to stay away!

2. Check their supermarket trolley
You see them ambling down the fruit and veg section with their trolley, looking good enough to eat. But how do you know if they have an other half?

Check the trolley for tell-tale signs. Are they buying nappies, baby food or anything else that suggests they're a family guy or gal? If so. On the other hand, they could be just some kind of deranged pervert who enjoys wearing nappies and dines on baby food!

Now, my trolley, for instance, tends to be stuffed with crisps, chocolate, microwave meals and frozen foods such as fish fingers, crispy pancakes, chicken burgers or good ole Bernard Matthews's turkey burgers. Fairly indicative signs that a) I'm single and b) I have a penchant for eating crap. A girlfriend would have me eating healthy, wholesome food. Right now it ain't happening, so pounce on me, ladies!

3. Observe their clothes
This one applies more to girls seeking guys. You have a feeling there's a wife or girlfriend in the picture somewhere, darnit. How can you confirm it?

Check out his clothes. Does he look like he dressed in the dark? Do his clothes date back to the 60s? If he's dressed like a deck chair or one of the Famous Five, the chances are he has no lady by his side to act as a fashion consultant. So swoop in there!

Believe it or not, there are guys out there who know how to dress themselves. A rare breed, indeed, and maybe you've stumbled on one. Are, however, his clothes all creased and crinkled? I'm pretty lousy  at ironing. In fact, not pretty lousy... just plain lousy! I do my best, but if there's a lady willing to iron a shirt for me, then I'll seize that opportunity with both hands!

So if he looks like he's ironed his clothes with a sledgehammer, either he actually has or, more probably, he's single and just doesn't know how to iron. Snap him up, ladies, and also show him to iron!

It's all good 
If you've followed this blog for a while, you'll have sensed that single life is a long-running theme in it. Yeah, there are times when I'm less okay with it than others, but for the record, I'm finding it pretty cool. It allows me to write fun articles like this one. Oh and again for the record, if you should catch me peeping at your trolley, don't assume I'm analysing your status. I have a vendetta against Hob-Nobs.  

The Colour of Me II

Pleased to say I solved a recent pickle I encountered as a single guy in a clothes shop and documented loosely on this blog just recently. Whoop whoop!

I chose a nice, burgundy tie to go with my navy blue suit and so looked just as smart as all the other wedding guests. Maybe I undid the hard work later with my lousy dancing... who knows, though I did refrain from tying my tie round my head Rambo-style!

At the time of writing that post, I remember thinking I could have done with the female touch to help me choose the right colour and tone of tie. A couple of days later, however, something happened that changed all that.

As I drifted up and down the tie section, sliding ties off of the rack to see if they went with the navy blue jacket in the shop, I noticed another young lad (my how I flatter myself, I know!) with his girlfriend. also looking for a tie. He picked up various ties, to which she commented, 'No, you need a darker tone if it's a grey suit', 'No, you're certainly not wearing spots with pin stripes' and, somewhat more brutally, 'Don't even bother with that one.'

Somewhat publicly reprimanded for his taste in ties, and looking slightly crestfallen, he hung them all back on their respective racks and left it to her to do the choosing. And in that moment, I suddenly realised I was grateful for my freedom as a single male, even though the circumstances that caused it had been unpleasant. If I want to dress as if I've done so in the dark, I can now (not that I want to, of course!).

It all reminded me that, even though it's been two years now, maybe I can still get used to this singles jazz after all.

I'll try.

Take me away!

Both friends and family have told me I need to learn to cook. No girl wants a man who can't cook, some say. And now that I'm back on the singles market, I guess I should - if not for a lady then at least for myself. No good two people starving. Besides, no woman wants a guy who's malnourished.... yeah yeah, we get the picture!

One thing I don't get, however...

Is is the (cruel) nature of the human appetite. Naturally, you can't eat takeaway day in, day out. For the record, I don't, but it doesn't stop me from having spells when I eat more than I normally would. Then I feel bad for eating so much junk and decide to cut down.

So I go to the supermarket, grab a trolley and go wild in the aisles. I pay for my shopping, then clear off feeling great. Check out the willpower on me!

But then something mysterious happens. The next day, despite having a fridge full of food, I feel like takeaway! All that lovely food and now I can't be bothered to prepare it. Before I know it I'm ordering a Texas BBQ in Domino's pizza parlour! Such is life.

Now, suppose I eventually master the dark art of cookery and, in turn, cut down on takeaway. Suppose that I also meet a nice young lady. Will I cook for her? Chances are I won't. Why?

Because I'll be too busy whisking her away down to fancy restaurants! And if not fancy restaurants, in an effort to spend quality time together, we'll probably be getting some takeaway in and curl up in front of a DVD.

Lessons

I think there are some valuable lessons to be learned from all this!

Lesson 1: Don't go shopping so often. The food in your fridge will only go to waste eventually! You can't fight the takeaway industry... nobody can. It's too powerful!

Lesson 2: People think you put yourself in an early grave if you eat takeaway a lot. But why waste hours in the kitchen, cooking, when you be done in 10 minutes and doing something else? Add up all those hours spent in the kitchen a year. Conclusion: you're wasting your life!

Lesson 3: Maybe you can dazzle a woman with your cookery skills, but it ain't necessarily so. I'll bet if you can recommend a good restaurant, or even a decent takeaway, you can just as easily be a culinary hero! 

And so we have it. Cooking and singles don't really go together, and takeaways weren't just for single people who can't cook! They're for couples who can't be bothered and singles who want to impress their suitors with their culinary knowledge!

The Colour of Me

No matter how much you enjoy your freedom, there are times when you realise how single you are: weddings fly straight in at no 1, followed by funerals, christenings and nights out with friends (if you're the wallflower).

You've probably guessed all of these already. There is, however, one other time when your single-dom hits you like a juggernaut: clothes shopping!

That's right... It's the awkward moment when you're by yourself, you're in a clothes shop and you don't know which colours go together, so you have to ask the (good-looking) shop assistant to help you coordinate them.

Then there's the solitary process of trying the clothes on in the changing cubicle. You take them on and off a million times, trying to decide a) if they fit and b) if so, do they suit you?

While the other guys pull back the curtain for their wife or girlfriend's opinion, you peep out shyly from behind the curtain to see if the pretty shop assistant is nearby hanging up clothes or something. Affirmative. Only then do you draw it back and ask  'Are the sleeves too big or too small?' - the male equivalent of asking 'Does my bum look big in this?'.

She says no, then asks if there's anything else she can help you with. You say no, and as you walk to the counter to pay for your new clothes, you realise you need a woman's touch. We men may learn how to dress ourselves when we're kids, but we'll be learning dress sense forever!

The witty Mark Twain famously said, 'I never let schooling interfere with my education.' So if someone should lift me off the singles market this year, then, having chosen my own clothes and learned to coordinate colours a little better, I can at least wear a badge with 'Zara -Class of 2012' emblazoned on it.

Literature to hold your hand

Being a man of letters, I'm probably biased when I say books are the best thing since sliced bread. If I'd been a number cruncher, I'd have said it was algebra, a scary thought to anyone's mind (except mathematicians, of course).

And I said so because of the power of books to educate us not only with facts and figures, but about life itself.

You know how just when you're going through a break-up or other painful experience, the radio plays the most crushingly relevant song possible (for me it was the Human League's Don't You Want Me every day after I got the elbow! Ouch!). It occurred to me that books do the same.

I was reading one of my beloved Orhan Pahmuk's novels a month ago, when I suddenly found myself nodding my head. I paused, put the book down for a moment and thought 'This guy knows what it's all about.'

Pahmuk isn't the only one who's had this effect on me. Paulo Coelho has also offered timely words in the past. It's as if they've both lived before, have seen all of life's pitfalls and now, following this dressed rehearsal, can show us how to live a happy - or happier - life.

Have you discovered any fiction writers who you felt could steer you through life? I'd be interested to hear what both you and they had to say.

I wish you all the Bs for the next Olympics

Roll on, Rio 2016! 

The London 2012 Olympic Games got off to a slightly farcical start, with accusations of doping, the match fixing scandal and Boz Johnson getting caught in a zip wire. Later on, they took on the bitter taste of sour grapes towards the end with a rift between Bolt and Lewis, but in spite of all this they were still a rip-roaring success. 

Our opening ceremony gave us Bond, Bean and Beth II (as in Queen Eliza), then we wheeled out Sir Paul McCartney for a chorus of na-na-na-nanananas in a celebration of our Britishness. And we closed the Games by proving something that all Brits have known since time immemorial: that Liam Gallagher still needs brother Noel. 

But best of all, Team GB won a serious amount of medals in between. Anyone who says the medals don't remind them of those chocolate coins you get at Christmas time, incidentally, is a big fat liar! 

Elsewhere during the Games, there was the suggestion of a campaign for darts to become an Olympic sport. Being a darts fan, I'd like to see that. If I'm honest, though, I can't really see it happening.  

That brought me round to thinking about what I'd like to see become an Olympic sport. The youth in me would love to see rollerblading become part of the Games. Would be great to see more of the international community introduced to Brian Aragon! 

It would be interesting to see if any countries in particular excelled at it, too. Kenya produces terrific long distance runners, just as Britain produced Cram, Coe and Evett in the glory days of British middle-distance running (bring them back!). 

Then those who have given up on the English football team could invest their hopes in a national rollerblading team instead! With this in mind, would you like to see in the Olympics?

Consolation Prizes, They Ain't

'Books, which we mistake for consolation, only add to our sorrow.'

This line comes from the character Black in Orhan Pamuk's My Name is Red. I've become a fan of Pamuk in recent years, ever since reading his tender memoir Istanbul: Memories of a City. 

Then I read Pamuk's The New Life, a metaphysical thriller about a guy who reads a life-changing book. Feeling somewhat more appreciative of spirituality in the last couple of years, I enjoyed the wisdom within.

However, I disagree with the quote in bold. 

Do books add to sorrow? 

Not in my opinion. It depends what you read. I don't read harrowing biographies or novels, but I'm pretty sure that despite all the tragic events in them, they become more positive towards the end and inspire the reader. 

The closest I got to this kind of book was reading the Angela's Ashes trilogy by the pioneer of miserable literature, the late Frank McCourt. I loved it. And far from depressing me, the trilogy introduced me to literature I'd not read before, namely Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment (which I thought was brilliant!), and new observations on life.  

What do books do for us, then? (Or why I love them so much!)

The obvious answer is, they educate. You don't have be an astrophysicist to know that.

But not only do they educate. Far from add to any sorrow, they inspire me. Whether it's a fiction novel, a blog post, a business biography, a reference book on an area of interest, or a 'smart thinking' book... I feel inspired to write and by what I'm reading and what I'm learning from them. If the person who wrote the book can be that brilliant at writing or whatever else they specialise in, then so can I!

As well as educate, books broaden our (mental) horizons and provide us with different perspectives on the world. Though we may not always realise it, they develop our capacity for thought, even if we might not be trying to solve a mind puzzle or contemplating a piece of philosophy at the time. 

And books do offer consolation. When we're feeling bad, there are books out there that can help lift us out of the mire, books by people who have been through what we have. By reading others experiences and their ideas, we can also make sense of our own lives, not to mention life itself. Well, maybe some of it, at least!

Books are an aid to a lifelong project

That project goes by the name of happiness. They may have added to Black's sorrow in My Name is Red, but, for the reasons above, they've enriched this blogger's happiness.

Life is a learning curve, and when  the teachers and the lecturers are gone, you've still got to learn from someone. Books can help you live the life you want to lead, both personally and professionally. 

And I think here is where I'll end the lesson for today....!

Let's See How They Got On...

Have you ever read Outliers by Malcom Gladwell ?

Pretty interesting stuff, this interesting theory on success. The book challenges our assumptions that exceptionally successful people, or 'outliers' as Gladwell refers to them, are so because they're extraordinarily talented. In each chapter, he illustrates how people from different walks of life have made it big on circumstances other than sheer natural gifted-ness.

Gladwell argues that:

• culture
• timing / date of birth
• practice
• communication (in some cases)
• opportunities

... are all factors in success. Very interesting ideas, it has to be said.

And so...

This got me thinking about some of my own achievements, about my own life, and whether any of these factors could be said to have had an underlying influence. Let's take a look at the findings!

Timing/date of birth -- Let's start with my birthday. I was born in '79. This was also the same year Maggie 'Milk Snatcher' Thatcher became PM. Nasty! Can I attribute any of life's disappointments to spending the first 17 to 18 years of my life under Conservative rule? Since I've had a terrific upbringing, I think I'll say yes!

Culture -- Well, we Brits are famous for our good manners, reserved, er, manner and fleme britannique (the good ole British stiff upper lip). I'd have to say being quintessentially British has gotten me far at home and abroad. Cup of tea, old chap?

Practice -- According to Gladwell's Outliers, Bill Joy, one of the world's most successful computer programmers put in 10,000 hours of computer programming practice. Using my noggin and the power of Excel, that works out at 416 days, 6 hours. To be the very best at writing, blogging or anything else I choose to do, that's over a year of solid, round-the-clock practice. That sounds quite pleasurable, actually! Am I a geek?

Opportunities - Sticking with our friend Bill Joy, it turns out that not only did Billy boy put in 10,000 hours behind the computer screen, he also happened to be in the right place at the right time. At the time Joy attended university, computer programming was a tedious and lengthy process. However, he studied in Michigan, one of the first places in the world to switch to a new system of programming, the timeshare. Better still, the computer labs were open 24 hours a day. Joy may as well have given up his student digs and moved into it!

Have to say I've had my fair share of the breaks in the past. But at the same time, some of these breaks I've also created for myself. Not sure I can concur with Gladwell on this one (not that he cares, I imagine!). Sometimes you gotta make your own luck.

Communication --  I'm a languages specialist. I'm a wordsmith. I'm a customer service expert. I read a lot. I write a lot. It's gotten me places. (Just a short entry in case you felt I was waffling above!)

Didn't he do well!

Okay, I've been messing about in this post, but Gladwell puts forward some interesting arguments, though some of his theories may only ever be just that: theories.

Nevertheless, it makes his book somewhat inspiring. If you're no good at something, it doesn't mean you never will be. You've just got to keep at it and keep your eyes and ears open. Eventually the breaks will come and things will start to fall into place. The forces of the world will conspire to make it your oyster. Bon appetite, soldier!

This is your life?

Not sure what it is with me and (auto)biographies lately. I tend to think they're a vain kind of writing. 

Of all the subjects to write about, people write about their life as if we actually cared.  

Yet in a bizarre twist of fate, over the last year or so I've started to become quite interested in them. Since last summer, I've read:

• Motley Crüe: The Dirt 
• Marilyn Manson: The Long, Hard Road Out of Hell 
• Steven Tyler: Does the Noise in my Head Bother You? 
• A Book About innocent: Our Story & Some of the Things We've Learned
• Pour Your Heart Into It: How Starbucks Built a Company One Cup at a Time
• Onwards: How Starbucks Fought for its Life Without Losing its Soul
• My Dark Places, by James Ellroy
• I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan by Alan Partridge

That's three rock (auto)biographies, three business ones, a comedy one and a part-autobiography part-crime investigation, and still I'm thirsty for more (keep your eyes peeled for Keith Richards's Life, Karren Brady's Strong Woman and Walter Isaac's Steve Jobs going cheap for me, would you!).

Life begins at...? 

My disillusionment with the genre stems from seeing bookshops littered with biographies and autobiographies by people who have barely been in showbiz 5 minutes yet feel compelled to tell the whole world their story. Take Jedward - barely out of school and they'd already published a book about their lives! It's dumbed down the genre.

I've enjoyed the above (auto)biographies - except for the Marilyn Manson one! - because the subjects have had interesting life experiences and ideas worth discussing. The point of biographical writing is for someone to look back on their career, on their achievements and low points (and how they came back from the latter!) and share some of the magic behind it all. 

To my mind, these days, the memories don't even have time to begin before the memoirs are already being published. But maybe I should get with the programme and think about writing my own memoirs?

What do you think? Do you think biographical writing has somehow lost its purpose?

Betty IV

I made a stupid mistake today. 

I phoned Grandad to say thanks for the money he had sent me. That's not the mistake, however. The mistake was dialling the wrong number without realising it. I was just one digit out, but that's no consolation.

A lady answered the phone. You haven't been with us for over a year now, so I wasn't expecting that. Then I felt elated: I thought it was you on the other end of the line.

But it wasn't.

I'm reading a good book at the moment by Orhan Pamuk called My Name is Red. There's a nice quote in it:: After some tragedy, we all feel the same way: In one last desperate hope, and without caring how comic and foolish we appear, we pray that everything might continue as it always has.

And it's so true. A small part of me has always hoped you'll come home, just like when I was waiting for you to suddenly start speaking while I stood by your side at the funeral parlour. 

I guess for a moment I saw a glimpse of this hope realised, then saw it fade away. 

I put the phone down and cried.

What have the 80s ever done for us?

They were tacky. They gave us mullets and the New Romantics. They virtually gave up on good taste. 

They were the 80s and kitsch was the norm!

I've sometimes been ridiculed for my love of this very cheesy decade. But here are a few things many of us can be grateful to the 80s for, and not just me. I must warn you it gets pretty random!

Do They Know It's Christmas Time? - Band Aid

We all remember the video. Phil Collins, Sting, Bono, Duran Duran, George Michael, the ever-colourful Boy George and several other 80s icons rounded up in the studio together by Sir Bob Geldof. 

Sir Bob and friends didn't just give us a timeless Christmas classic. They raised a great deal of awareness about the poverty in Africa and did much good with this well-written song, not to mention the Live Aid concert.

It was a decade in which, rather than complain about the state of the world from his armchair, one man decided to act and try to make it a better place.  

Michael J. Fox

Yes, he of Back to the Future and Teen Wolf fame, the latter making me feel better about quite hairy for my young years at the time! Good old Marty McFly who travelled backwards in time in one of the coolest cars ever to be created, whizzed about on a skateboard and riffed Johnny B.Goode at the school dance. 

This 80s heart-throb has made it into my list not so much because of the movies, good as they were, but because of his illness. Struck down by Parkinson's disease, he has created a foundation to try to research cures for the disease.

His story is a reminder to us all how cruel life can sometimes be. We should never forget it.

Appetite for Destruction by Guns 'N' Roses

In the 70s, it was the Sex Pistols whom everybody feared. Then came the late 80s and the 'Most Dangerous Band in the World'. In a decade riddled with synth, bad makeup and mullets - that said, I love it still! - came one of the most timeless rock albums ever: Appetite for Destruction!

They proved that the 80s were still capable of good music, even if all fashion sense had gone out of the window.'Paradise City' - what an anthem, and 'Sweet Child o' Mine' - what a guitar solo with its 1 000 million notes per second!

Even now I still listen to this album, hoping that heavy metal will see the light and once again be about virtuous playing and finely crafted songs, rather than about angst and lousy childhoods. I'll probably never see that day, but I can dream about if nothing else!

Space Raiders

I admit I've never liked these crisps. I did, however, like the price. At just 10p a packet, Space Raiders were the epitome of the cheap snack, that food could be affordable.

Not only that, in my adult years this concept would immediately help me identify (potential) shoplifters when working in customer service, who would ask 'Have you got any 10 pence crisps?'. If they asked that, you'd immediately suspect that if that's all they had on them, and that's all they'd come for, they had no need to be walking around the shop for 10 minutes after you'd already said no!

Thatcherism
Oooooooo controversial. 

Not because I think it's a good thing, however. Remember that saying, 'There's nothing like the sight of the battlefield after the battle to inspire a love of peace and a hatred of war' or something along those lines? Well, unfortunately, we had to experience Thatcherism just so we'd know how bad life under the Conservatives would actually be come future elections: expect rioting on the streets, iron fist-style government, tax cuts and major cuts in the public sector.

Sadly, we came full circle in the last general election, but, once they were finally out, at least we kept the Tories out for over 10 years before letting them back in. 

These are just a few of the things I think the 80s deserve a little gratitude for. They showed us some of the things that could be achieved; showed us some of the things that couldn't; and some of the things that simply shouldn't be tried!

What are you grateful to the 80s for? Or is there a decade you think we should owe particular thanks to? I'd be interested to hear.

We'd have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids...

Gotta say I'm a little - as in massively - disappointed with the England squad. We've been knocked out on those pesky penalties yet again!

I do feel sorry for the players, really I do, but only to an extent. It's not easy to bear the nation's hopes on your shoulders - unless you're Andrea Pirlo, it seems - and, having missed in a previous (penalty) shootout, I applaud Steven Gerrard's courage to still step up and smash it in the net.

But the squad and the media's attitude has really gotten my dander up! I'm fed up of hearing how 'we have to draw the positives from this'. Clearly, they're not: if they were, we'd be going further in international competitions.

And oh can the pundits please stop banging on about we need a little bit of luck in these tournaments. Maybe we do, but how long did we think we were going to wing it for? Having a good strong team wins tournaments, not just having a bit of luck.

When they rattled on how about well we defended against Italy last night, they irked me. I'm not big on match tactics, but the object of the game still is to score more goals than the other team, right? Defending well, as far as I'm aware, doesn't take you through to the next stage, whereas, as I understood it, scoring goals does.

Number one gripe: if Gary Lineker is to be believed - and considering the team's track record, he can't be far wrong - it's only under Roy Hodgson that England have been practising penalties, their argument being that they can't recreate the conditions in practice. Fair enough, they can't, but surely - surely! - they should at least be trying. It's tantamount to going out based on nothing but sheer laziness.

Look at Pirlo. With that cheeky little chip he looked as if he took penalties for fun. I admit that kind of composure is superhuman, but we've also seen it from the Portuguese in the past. 

Mediterranean countries seem to know how to take penalties. What are they doing that we aren't?

Let's not put it down to all that good weather. Maybe instead of going the extra mile, they're going that extra 11 yards.

Ticket for One, Please

Just the other day I was curled up on one of Costa's mightily comfy sofas, when I overheard the group of girls next to me chatting. One of them stated that she felt less and less like getting into a relationship as she got older.

I'm sure we've all joked about being single by choice, and some people I know truly are. I always thought it was the opposite, though: that as people grow older, they're more likely to want a companion on life's journey. So the girl's comment kind of opened my eyes.

Earlier this week, I read an interesting article in a Men's Health-style magazine about how summer is the perfect time to be single:

• You can soak up the warm summer weather in a beer garden  - if we get any, of course... but this being the UK, summer was last Thursday, so if you were working that day then I'm sorry, you missed it.
• You can 'appreciate' members of the opposite sex
• You can generally relax and do as you please.      

So being single and in my early thirties, I thought I'd have a companion for life by now. But not just yet, as it turns out. 

I'm still learning to embrace being single. Now I see others who are embracing their own single status, though they probably have different reasons to my own, and I see it's not so bad. Freedom and the warm weather are taking the sting out of things. And they will do for some years, I imagine.  

So I'll keep:

• drinking lots of coffee and burying my head in books for hours at Costa
• eating lots of chocolate (there is a connection between sex and chocolate, by the way: eat too much and no one will want to have sex with you!)
• going to concerts by myself and loving it (as long as the music's good, what else do you need?)
• and doing whatever I feel like.

Then, as the temperatures start to drop, the nights pull in and we turn to winter, maybe I'll think about looking for a partner again. 

But only maybe.

Definitely maybe.  

Love is the Drug (that you might think of!)

Never mind listening to your partner's needs, going to relationship counsellors and all that jazz! Such a sensible approach to saving a relationship is too old hat in this day and age, so it would seem. 

According to experts, you may now be able to cut out the middle man or women and do it with a new 'love pill'. These magical pills would contain some of the same chemicals that our body produces during different stages or emotional states in a relationship. 

These would be, then:

• oxytocin and vasopressom - hormones that surge in our body at the start of our relationship
• pheromones - the chemicals which spark emotional response and attraction (not in a relationship right now, so I might be interested in this one!)
• testosterone - do I even need to explain this one?
• corticotrophin-releasing hormone (CRH) - this little beauty generates the fear of separation
• entactogens - create the desire for closeness and improves sociability and connection.

The odd once or twice I've come across strangers in nightclubs who, eyes bulging, and unable to sit still for more than a second, were in love with the world and everybody around them... Different kind of pill, of course. 'Eccies' or something, I think they called 'em.... !

But what if...?

What if they were to bring out such a pill legally? Would you use them, or is your relationship rock solid? Kind of funny to think that if you go through a patch in a relationship, you can have it all sorted by the time the kettle's boiled! No need for your emotions to go through the mill anymore! And you'd finally be able to turn that spare room into your Xbox room or whatever - or Narnia, as one of my relatives calls their computer room. 

And what if it was your turn to be a 'nutty professor'?

Imagine some mad fool let you loose in the scientists' lab and let you invent a pill for anything in the world. What kind of pill would you invent? Here are just a few I might want to make for myself:

• a pill that made me dance better (a man has to know how to cut some shapes!)
• a pill that allowed me to coordinate my colours easier
• a pill that allowed me to read text books in seconds and absorb every single drop
• a pill that could transport me from place to place in seconds, a bit like 'Beam me up, Scottie' but without the technology
• a pill that could make me instantly dashingly handsome. (Oh... already had that one, have we? Okay then....!)

I put it to you....

In the name of good content, those are just a few daft, minor insecurities of my own. Like Lloyd Grossman used to do on Masterchef, deliberate, cogitate and digest them. Then get back to me with your suggestions for a wonder pill. What would you like to be better at?

Get people to go your way with Lenny Kravitz

Remember Lenny Kravitz's old school rock 'n' roll hit Are You Gonna Go My Way? ? Was listening to it just today and it dawned on me that in the song lyrics he gives two great pieces of advice for copywriting. So without further ado, I thought I'd share with you how he informs how to get people to go our way!

'We must engage...'

Spot on, Lenny. You're writing to persuade. You want your audience to buy your product, hire your service, subscribe to your newsletter, return to your website, etc. Unless you're hoping to lull them into a deep sleep and sell to them using the power of hypnotic suggestion - in which case, change your day job- your words have to engage. 

So keep your audience interested. Hook them with your words. The longer you hold their attention, the more likely they are to do what you want them to.

'.... And rearrange...'

Well sung again, Mr Kravitz. 

Maybe the ideas aren't coming to you. Maybe you've done your first draft but aren't particularly happy with what you've written. 

So rearrange the paragraphs. This sometimes reveals a new, better angle from which to persuade your audience. It can strengthen your copy, too, by exposing weaker paragraphs or points. You can give them the snip and, by doing so, tighten up your copy and make it more persuasive. 

Easier said than done - so how do you do it, Mr Clever Clogs!

There are any number of ways to engage with your copy:

• Open with a strong sentence. - Remember the cliché 'SEX! That got your attention!'? Think of something that will hook the reader. It could be a question. It could be a powerful statement, such as 'How I made more money by.... ' . Tap into the reader's interests and write something that twigs them. 
• Be original in your writing - Avoid clichés. They look lazy. If the readers feels you haven't made the effort to write for them, they won't make the effort to read for you. And why should they, says I!
• Challenge the reader - Not to hand-to-hand combat, though! Say something like 'These are just 5 ways to engage your reader. Bet you can't think of more.' They'll be itching to defy you!
• Break long pieces of text up -  Copy that looks like one neverending block of text looks dull to the reader. Split it into sections, with bullet-pointed or number lists or even with images. This makes copy visually more appealing. More importantly, it makes it easier to read which, you've guessed it, also holds the reader's attention easier.
• Vary sentence length - Short sentences of 10 to 16 words work best in copy. But don't keep every single sentence to that length or your copy will become monotonous. Write longer sentences, too, to keep the text inflected.

That's engaging, but what about rearranging?

One good approach is to start at the middle. Save your first draft, delete the first few paragraphs (or place them towards the end of your text) and see what emerges. As well as revealing possible new, better or more original angles, the second benefit of this is that it can put your points into perspective. Changing the order of paragraphs can make the copy more persuasive. That's because it highlights the weaker points, which you can either leave towards the end or simply leave out. 

The third benefit is that it makes the copy stronger in general. A lot of the time, our first few paragraphs act as a warm-up, helping us to hit our stride. Delete them and you'll see how the copy suddenly seems tighter. After all, you're audience is busy and wants you to get to the point, too! 

What would you do?

So, Lenny Kravitz has spoken me to from the music studio with some helpful words of advice. Now I'm passing them on to you.

Have you got any suggestions on engagement or rearrangement for me? Are there any musicians you think have given us some sound advice on copywriting? Surely we could draw something from all those rock ballads that are out there!

What makes a good writer?

A lot of people have said to me in the past 'I love reading your letters' or 'I love reading your emails'. In my earlier years people said I should be a writer.

I've often wondered: 'What's the secret?' Or even, what are the secrets? What am I doing that makes the words special to others? It's only now, in my adult years, that I've finally come to a few conclusions:

Show your soul

All writers have something of the romantic... of the idealist... of the dreamer in them. That's my personal belief. In all the letters and emails I've ever written, I've hardly ever held back. Some of my deepest feelings - love, joy, sorrows, fears, hopes, aspirations, wishes, regrets - have permeated the pages or the screen. I've put a lot of myself into the words. By doing it, I've connected with the reader.

Love what you do

Possibly the key to success in anything we do, not just to writing well. Enjoy what you do and you'll do it so much better. I love writing. I love it! And back in my years as a translator, some of my very best literary translations came from my passion for words, from the wish to reproduce the original text's elegance for the reader.  

Be original

This has a lot to do with personal perception. The work of the Impressionist artists was great because they painted scenes they way they perceived them, not the way artistic norms dictated. For instance, they would sometimes paint hazy grey skies instead of clear blue ones, because that was the impression they had of the sky on the day. 

And so you must be original with your words. Avoid clichés. Describe things as you perceive them. The chances are your description will be much more original. An honest description is much more rewarding both for you as a writer and for your reader.   

Be a bookworm

As well as being passionate about writing your own stuff, be passionate about other people's stuff. See how others express themselves. Find out what themes interest you. Discover new authors, new words, new ideas, new perspectives, new narrative techniques and even new worlds. Develop your own style. There's more fact in fiction than you'd imagine.

Time to spare a few thoughts?

And so I snap out of 'reflexive writer mode' now, to ask what you think makes a good writer. Do you agree wholeheartedly with me, or do you disagree violently! 

In fact, what do you think about this blog? Have I been practising what I've preached today? Or should I pick up a few more books and learn from the masters? Do tell!

Good Finds, Great Feelings

Whenever I'm back in my hometown, which isn't often, I do a tour of the charity shops. Carrying my trusty backpack on my, er, back, I stride in and out of charity shops, hunting bargain books.

And if it's not the charity shops, then it's a trip to the boot sale! Fans of Stephen King, J.K. Rowling and Dan Brown should all get themselves there!

Based up in Edinburgh, yesterday I popped into a Barnados for the first time in a few months, just on the off chance. Imagine my delight to see Gabay's Copywriters' Compendium in the Special Interest section! It's nothing short of the copywriter's equivalent to the Bible.

'Don't mind if I do,' I said to myself, after letting out an unmanly squeal at my find. Coming across such a specialist book at just 5 pounds, when it costs 17 pounds or so in the shops or online, brightened up my day. Not that it was going badly in the first place, but you know what I mean. 

Sometimes there's nothing like the lift of a good discovery. It doesn't always have to be finding money on the floor either. For instance, a friend and I discovered a quaint little coffee shop that we'd never noticed before, while strolling together down Leith Walk.

This month it's been Gabay's Copywriters' Compendium for me, but what's the best discovery you've made recently. And is it something to write home about?

Chat-a-touille for dinner anyone?

Best chat-up line you've ever heard, or favourite chat-up line. Come on, let's be 'having 'em.

Just had a quick peep on Twitter at what's trending and, tonight, it's Harry Potter chat-up lines. Thought we could have a giggle (or a cringe!) at some of the cleaner ones:

• Get your cloak - you've pulled
• I didn't need the Marauder's Map to find you - I just followed my heart
• You don't have to say 'Lumos' to turn me on
• You must be Berti Botts - you've just turned my legs to jelly
• Assorted unoriginal 'wand' and 'Chamber of Secrets' ones.

Chat-up lines from your trusty blogger?

Favourite one ever: If I could change the alphabet I'd put 'U' and 'I' together. Does it work? Well, chat-up lines aren't my style, so I don't know and don't care! 

Second wittiest one I ever heard: Is that a ladder in your tights or is it the Stairway to Heaven? Credit where it's due, the inventor really grafted with that one! Not sure what Plant and Page would make of people using their masterpiece like that. Who knows... maybe they use it themselves - and pull it off, to boot!

Chat me up!

Come on, it's your turn now. Would love to hear some of your chat-up lines or stories that involve chat-up lines. But please, no 'I'm not Fred Flintstone but I can certainly make your Bedrock's. That one's been around as long as the Flintstones themselves and doesn't work (or so I imagine haha)!

The Book Thieves

What do the following have in common:

• Anything by Charles Bukowski
• Anything by William Burroughs
• On the Road by Jack Kerouac
• The New York Trilogy by Paul Auster
• Anything by Martin Amis

Well, Publishers Weekly has reported they're the five most stolen authors and books in the US. People half-inch them so much that bookshops have to keep them behind the counter.

Really?

Yep indeedy so. Apparently, people may be swiping Bukowski and Burroughs's works because these writers seek truth with their work. These booklifters feel the truth is a basic human right and, therefore, legitimises a bit of lightfingeredness in bookstores. 'Course it does! *nods sarcastically*

Then there's the Kerouac bandits. These guys must identify with On the Road, with the 'liberation' that permeates through the pages of this and of books by Bukowski and Burroughs. (They really have a lot to answer to!). They probably want to commit reckless acts like the ones they read about in these books.

And Auster? Well, no real explanation is given. Maybe they're just hankering for something different! Same goes for Mr Amis! People must just like him!

What if you just prefer to borrow books?

Well, if you want a how-to manual or information on UFOs or astrology, you may be out of luck. These seem to be the type of books which go missing most from library shelves. Oh and best learn the Ten Commandments just in case - The Bible is another popular steal!

Over to you

Supposing temptation got the better of you and there was one book you just had to have. Which would be the one book you'd risk getting locked up for? And why? And no Charles Dicken's Oliver Twist please! Too cliché!

Source: http://blogs.publishersweekly.com/blogs/PWxyz/2011/07/13/the-5-most-stolen-books/

Raising the (Boss) Tone

A couple of weeks ago, I locked horns with the ska band The Mighty Mighty Bosstones. In my post 'Lowering the (Boss) Tone', I set myself the fun and lofty challenge of increasing this blog's Google ranking when people searched for the term 'The Impression That I Get'.

To recap, here were just a few of the ways I outlined to achieve this:

• Incorporating keywords naturally into the post
• Displaying the music video
• Encouraging feedback

Where did I go from there?

At the time I posted the article, my blog came up on the sixth page of Google hits. Not so brilliant. SEO is a tricky task because there are so many competing websites out there on the internet. So perseverance (and good SEO) are key.

After writing the article, I had the brainwave of revising my meta description (the website description you see in Google). This gave me the chance to slip in some more keywords. 

I took another look at related terms too - such as 'lyrics the impression that i get' and 'guitar chords the impression that i get' - in the Google keyword tool. This create the opportunity to add more keywords and bring the page up for related searches.

How did I get on?

Sounds like an episode of Blind Date, doesn't it!

The blog jumped up from the sixth page to the fourth page for 'the impression that i get'. Better still,it hits page 1 of Google if you type 'the impression that i get blog' or 'the impression that i get blogspot'.

What happens next?

Chuffed as I am with my progress, there's still a bit to go before I give myself any congratulatory pats on the back.

One of the key ways to optimise a blog or website is by providing fresh content. Having written today's post, seized the chance to repeat some of the original keywords and interlinked the two posts, it should climb even further now.

From there I'll reanalyse the post and the blog until I either topple the Bosstones or at least am up there sitting pretty with them. Sometimes if you can't beat 'em, joining 'em ain't so bad! But only sometimes...

What's my age again?

Read a Guardian article about one of my celebrity crushes, Jennifer Aniston, recently and how we'll never see her on the cover of Vogue magazine. The reason? Her demands for the right to approve and veto copy and photos of herself. 

I have to admit she was starting to look her age. Naturally, she was still beautiful with it! *cuddles up lovingly and sucks up*

For reasons even my active mind can't understand, Andy Warhol popped into my head. With his trademark white-grey hair, he looked fairly old in his time. Older than he was, I believe.

From there my mind took another random leap, this time to a photo in a book I'd read about Michel Foucalt, the French philosopher (told you it was active!). Just like Warhol wore white hair to obscure his real age, Foucalt refused to let anyone categorise his views or persona.

It all got me thinking about how we become more age conscious as we grow older. Some people like to hide their age. Some people are proud of their age. Some people look their age. Some people don't (that would be me!). Some people act their age... and some people don't (I may be guilty of that sometimes!). 

Some people long to be young again. Others long to be older. But personally, even though I'm still a whippersnapper in body and spirit, I think being older can be a good thing:

• You've lived. 
• You take things in your stride easier. 
• You have stories to tell. 
• You have the common sense that comes with life experiences.

Best of all... If you have enough fun, people will think you're younger anyway!

Lowering the (Boss)Tone

When I started this blog, some 5 or 6 years ago, it seemed a great way to share my take on the world, do some writing and gain work experience, all in one. (It still is.) Remembering the title of one of my favourite songs, the Mighty Mighty Bosstones' 'The Impression That I Get' felt perfect for my blog too.

Problem is, when you type "the impression that I get" into Google your query is more likely to bring up results for the song - either lyrics, guitar chords, video and other 'impression that I get'-related searches - by these one-hit-wonders of ska than for my blog. 

So today I've set myself the challenge of knocking the Mighty Mighty Bosstones off the top spot on Google (sorry, guys, love the song but SEO is a serious business!).

So how do you topple the Bosstones?

First I've gotta go with keyword phrases such as 'Bosstones', 'Mighty Mighty Bosstones' and 'the impression that I get'. 'Bosstones' receives the most searches, so I'd best try to optimise with this. By slipping each term into the headers and into the copy where possible there's a chance that when people type them into Google my blog pops up in the search results too. 

Weaving keyphrases into texts is an art form in itself, however. Writing '"The Impression That I Get" by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones"' at the start of every single sentence would be about as subtle as a sledgehammer. Instead, you should blend your keywords or keyword phrases (in this case 'the impression that I get') into the copy naturally. 

Write for the reader first, then write for Google second.

How Else?

Hey, why not include a Mighty Mighty Bosstones music video? Preferably of 'The Impression That I Get'. Then you can see why I like it so much.

 Source: You Tube /Vevo

Of course, there is something of an ulterior motive here as well. While sharing the song with you for your listening pleasure, I'm also optimising the blog. Popping this Mighty Mighty Bosstones video in my post is a chance to provde good content; good content attracts more traffic to a blog (visitors and visits to the website); and more visitors means a higher Google ranking. 

More importantly, of course, it also increases the chances of my blog appearing when you type in 'Bosstones', 'Mighty Mighty Bosstones' or 'The Impression That I Get'. Yippety bippety!

What do you think?

Another angle I can attack the Bosstones from is to simply ask my readers what they think of the content. Interacting with the reader... engaging them... is one of several ways to optimise your site. 'How to'-type articles are a great way to do this, since they give readers the chance to offer tips and recommendations on different topics and share related content.

Smart approach two is to take part in discussions on other people's blogs. Then I can link my post on their blog back to my own. If Lady Googleluck is on my side, they'll take a peek, enjoy the content and comment. Go on, you know wanna!

How the Mighty have fallen

These are just a few ways I can try to optimise my blog and hopefully knock the Mighty Mighty Bosstones off their firm Google perch. Hopefully, thanks to some nifty SEO, I'll be uttering these immortal words some day!

And of course, these tips don't just apply to my site. You can implement them to slay your own particular Goliath. Not literally though, please!

Let me know how you go.

Betty III

It's been little more than a year since you left us. I thought about you and cried.

Just after you left us, we all met again for breakfast at your place, as we do every Sunday. There we all were, sitting and chatting and munching on chocolates, sausage rolls and other goodies as always. And yet something just didn't feel right. 

All the while I kept hoping, stupid as it sounds, that any moment you'd come in to offer or bring me another cup of coffee. You didn't. You couldn't. It was like being with you at the funeral parlour, where I kept willing you to say something. Of course, you didn't. You couldn't.

We're all still looking after each other, as is the Jones way, and doing our best to look after Grandad. You brought us all together and now in death you hold us all together.

I listened to a really beautiful song the other day called 'Drops of Jupiter'. I'd always thought it was a love song about a girl who had left behind her partner to find something better. Curious about the lyrics, I decided to look them up on the internet. 

It turns out that the songwriter wrote it for his mother, who passed away from cancer. He woke up one day with the words 'now that's she's back in the atmosphere' in his head and was inspired by the idea that no one ever really leaves us. 

Seeing how we're still all holding together one year on, maybe he was right. Maybe no one ever really does leave us. I hope it's true. I really do.