Saturday, 22 September 2012

All the nice ones are taken!

All the nice ones are taken, aren't they! Life gives some other young stallion the good fortune to meet (and hook up with or marry) that one person who really lights your fire. It amuses itself by giving you a good, hard kick in the nuts like that!

Of course, you don't always instantly know the object of your affections is attached. How many times have you asked someone out but been shot down in flames with a 'Sorry, but I'm already seeing someone'? Not quite the reply you were hoping for, so you stammer a little, blush a little, apologise and be on your way.

So today I'm here to point out a few signs that a guy or girl might be single, help you avoid asking out people who are already in a relationship and, into the bargain, transform you into sleuths of the dating world! 

1. Look and listen
If they work with you or are part of your social group, keep your ears open during conversation. Amongst the talk of sport or technology, or of shoes and shopping, and all the other stuff of interest to the opposite sex, there may be mention of 'the wife', 'the missus', 'my lass / my lad', 'my bird' or of having to pick the kids up from school. All clear signs they're off limits - officially, at least. 

Obviously, check for rings, too.  If there's light bouncing off their ring finger into your eyes and blinding you, that's a pretty good sign, I'd say, to stay away!

2. Check their supermarket trolley
You see them ambling down the fruit and veg section with their trolley, looking good enough to eat. But how do you know if they have an other half?

Check the trolley for tell-tale signs. Are they buying nappies, baby food or anything else that suggests they're a family guy or gal? If so. On the other hand, they could be just some kind of deranged pervert who enjoys wearing nappies and dines on baby food!

Now, my trolley, for instance, tends to be stuffed with crisps, chocolate, microwave meals and frozen foods such as fish fingers, crispy pancakes, chicken burgers or good ole Bernard Matthews's turkey burgers. Fairly indicative signs that a) I'm single and b) I have a penchant for eating crap. A girlfriend would have me eating healthy, wholesome food. Right now it ain't happening, so pounce on me, ladies!

3. Observe their clothes
This one applies more to girls seeking guys. You have a feeling there's a wife or girlfriend in the picture somewhere, darnit. How can you confirm it?

Check out his clothes. Does he look like he dressed in the dark? Do his clothes date back to the 60s? If he's dressed like a deck chair or one of the Famous Five, the chances are he has no lady by his side to act as a fashion consultant. So swoop in there!

Believe it or not, there are guys out there who know how to dress themselves. A rare breed, indeed, and maybe you've stumbled on one. Are, however, his clothes all creased and crinkled? I'm pretty lousy  at ironing. In fact, not pretty lousy... just plain lousy! I do my best, but if there's a lady willing to iron a shirt for me, then I'll seize that opportunity with both hands!

So if he looks like he's ironed his clothes with a sledgehammer, either he actually has or, more probably, he's single and just doesn't know how to iron. Snap him up, ladies, and also show him to iron!

It's all good 
If you've followed this blog for a while, you'll have sensed that single life is a long-running theme in it. Yeah, there are times when I'm less okay with it than others, but for the record, I'm finding it pretty cool. It allows me to write fun articles like this one. Oh and again for the record, if you should catch me peeping at your trolley, don't assume I'm analysing your status. I have a vendetta against Hob-Nobs.  

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

The Colour of Me II

Pleased to say I solved a recent pickle I encountered as a single guy in a clothes shop and documented loosely on this blog just recently. Whoop whoop!

I chose a nice, burgundy tie to go with my navy blue suit and so looked just as smart as all the other wedding guests. Maybe I undid the hard work later with my lousy dancing... who knows, though I did refrain from tying my tie round my head Rambo-style!

At the time of writing that post, I remember thinking I could have done with the female touch to help me choose the right colour and tone of tie. A couple of days later, however, something happened that changed all that.

As I drifted up and down the tie section, sliding ties off of the rack to see if they went with the navy blue jacket in the shop, I noticed another young lad (my how I flatter myself, I know!) with his girlfriend. also looking for a tie. He picked up various ties, to which she commented, 'No, you need a darker tone if it's a grey suit', 'No, you're certainly not wearing spots with pin stripes' and, somewhat more brutally, 'Don't even bother with that one.'

Somewhat publicly reprimanded for his taste in ties, and looking slightly crestfallen, he hung them all back on their respective racks and left it to her to do the choosing. And in that moment, I suddenly realised I was grateful for my freedom as a single male, even though the circumstances that caused it had been unpleasant. If I want to dress as if I've done so in the dark, I can now (not that I want to, of course!).

It all reminded me that, even though it's been two years now, maybe I can still get used to this singles jazz after all.

I'll try.

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Take me away!

Both friends and family have told me I need to learn to cook. No girl wants a man who can't cook, some say. And now that I'm back on the singles market, I guess I should - if not for a lady then at least for myself. No good two people starving. Besides, no woman wants a guy who's malnourished.... yeah yeah, we get the picture!

One thing I don't get, however...
Is is the (cruel) nature of the human appetite. Naturally, you can't eat takeaway day in, day out. For the record, I don't, but it doesn't stop me from having spells when I eat more than I normally would. Then I feel bad for eating so much junk and decide to cut down.

So I go to the supermarket, grab a trolley and go wild in the aisles. I pay for my shopping, then clear off feeling great. Check out the willpower on me!

But then something mysterious happens. The next day, despite having a fridge full of food, I feel like takeaway! All that lovely food and now I can't be bothered to prepare it. Before I know it I'm ordering a Texas BBQ in Domino's pizza parlour! Such is life.

Now, suppose I eventually master the dark art of cookery and, in turn, cut down on takeaway. Suppose that I also meet a nice young lady. Will I cook for her? Chances are I won't. Why?

Because I'll be too busy whisking her away down to fancy restaurants! And if not fancy restaurants, in an effort to spend quality time together, we'll probably be getting some takeaway in and curl up in front of a DVD.

I think there are some valuable lessons to be learned from all this!

Lesson 1: Don't go shopping so often. The food in your fridge will only go to waste eventually! You can't fight the takeaway industry... nobody can. It's too powerful!

Lesson 2: People think you put yourself in an early grave if you eat takeaway a lot. But why waste hours in the kitchen, cooking, when you be done in 10 minutes and doing something else? Add up all those hours spent in the kitchen a year. Conclusion: you're wasting your life!

Lesson 3: Maybe you can dazzle a woman with your cookery skills, but it ain't necessarily so. I'll bet if you can recommend a good restaurant, or even a decent takeaway, you can just as easily be a culinary hero! 

And so we have it. Cooking and singles don't really go together, and takeaways weren't just for single people who can't cook! They're for couples who can't be bothered and singles who want to impress their suitors with their culinary knowledge!