Communication Breakdown!

Wouldn't it be cool if animals could talk?

I say this after two weeks with my brother-in-law's adorable King Charles spaniel. I admit I've grown slightly attached to the little lady.

This is odd coming from me. I'm not even a remotely doggy person and, unfortunately, I have a wariness of man's best friend that causes me to misunderstand them.

When I'm putting my arms to stop the dog from jumping up, poor old Fido is thinking 'Playtime!'. If it playfully bares its fangs, I start thinking which songs I'd like played at my funeral (so far on the play list I have 'Hotel California' by the Eagles!).

The other problem is I can't tell if a dog is:

• hungry?
• desperate for walkies?
• dying for the loo?
• something else?

So when the dog looks at me with big brown eyes, saying I could murder some Pedigree Chum. Be a love and put some in a dish for me, would you?, I fasten the dog's lead to its collar and out we go.

If animals could talk, that would be awesome. Dogs could then reassure me: 'Calm down, mate. I'm not gonna hurt you', or 'If you don't let me out right now, it's gonna get messy in here.'

Seagulls and pigeons could warn us before dropping their splatter bombs: 'Lady, watch out!'

Just imagine the sea creatures... 

Great whites could apologise to divers: 'Sorry... My mistake. Thought you were a seal. Actually, you haven't seen any round here, have you? I'm starving'... 

Jellyfish could let us know where they were before we stepped on them: 'Mind your feet to the left or you'll get a nasty sting'...

Or seals might want to work together with us: 'If you see anything you think might be a shark, let me know so I can swim to shore.'

There's a dog barking out the back. I think he wants me to stop gossiping about his friends. Or maybe to put the kettle on... Who knows.

Until next time, then!