E is for Editing

I'm an avid reader. I read as much as possible. Sometimes to the extent that I've had less of a life because of it at times (a testament to the writer, who has written a gripping book!). 

There are countless times when I've turned the pages breathlessly, however, only for the ending to cheat me (and no doubt, thousands of others). Sometimes deus ex machina (a highly improbably event that conveniently wraps everything up) has been the culprit. Others the cavalry coming over the hill have been responsible. Then there are the factual books in which the conclusions haven't fitted the facts. 

It's all very frustrating. Those are hours of your life you'll never get back. 

But why does it bother us so much? What's behind it? Poor editing, that's what.  

How to edit

To be a good writer you have to be a good editor. Those aren't just my words: they're the words of the world's most famous copywriter, David Ogilvy, a man who did some serious selling back in the day.

Of course, being a good editor is easier said than done. Where do you start? 

Be objective
Editing is about honesty. Be objective. Is what you've written really any good, or are you just trying to make the word count? If it seems like a load of rubbish, it may well seem like it to others too, so take it out. 

If you can't decide, ask yourself: 'Would I be embarrassed to show this to a client or publisher?' If the answer's yes, you know what you need to do.

One other trick is to observe whether you're feeling smug and showing your work to everyone in the office, trying to give others a laugh. The part you love the most is normally the part that has to go. 

Ask if it makes sense
Take a look at your draft. Do the pieces fit together? Do the events happen in a logical order, or does something within the text feel out of place? Is everything you've written plausible? If there's something in there that's tenuous or doesn't fit, take it out. It's weakening the text. 

This is especially so with the conclusion. Check you're not drifting into deus ex machina territory. Remember the Stephen King novel Misery and how psychotic bibliophile Annie Wilkes went beserk about the ending of a novel? Endings should be fair to the reader.

Delete the first paragraph
Just like you don't start exercising without warming up first, you don't in writing. The first paragraph get our thoughts flowing and our fingers bashing away at the keyboard. Read it at the end of the piece and you'll find it rambles on aimlessly, struggling to find its path. You may even find that it has nothing to do with the rest of what you've written. Chop it out. You'll see how your writing suddenly becomes tighter. 

Cut out the fluff
Are you getting to the point, or are you saying more than what needs to be said? Is what you've written adding value to the text, or is it simply surplus? If it does nothing for the text, get rid of it. 

Cutting out fluff is important, especially in the day and age of emails, in which everyone feels more hurried than they used to. They don't feel as if they have the time to wade through a forest of words. If you're writing a novel, your words should be valuable. They should help carry events forward. Even if they're just reading for pleasure, readers won't hang around forever to find out what happens (at least I don't). They've taken the time to start reading your novel. Reward them with some plot and character development, not pages of filler.

For me, the king of plot development is crime fiction writer James Ellroy. It's only once you get to the end of his novels, twist after twist after twist, that you realise he was already starting the conclusion halfway through the novel. Fantastic!

These are just a few tips on the mighty art of editing. Like any other, it's a skill and isn't something you just develop overnight. It takes time and plenty of writing. If you've got any editing tips you'd like to share with me, I'd love to hear them. Meanwhile, if not, then happy scribbling, and until we meet again in F is for... 

Write Life

Write life
Write a diary.
Write a covering letter. 
Write to your family.
Write a love letter; how you can taste flowers when you kiss them.
Write a forgive me letter; how you're so messed up you don't who you are without them.
Write a break-up letter; how it's not them, it's you.
Write about change. 
Write about today's generation; how it's lost but can be found.  
Write about your dreams; how one day you'll make it and then write about how you did it.
Write to your friends; thank them for being there. 
Write about the good times; how you'd give anything to return. 
Write about the bad times; bury the memories.
Write about the future.
Write to your workmates; they helped you to the top.
Write about retirement.
Write about your kids; the story of their first word.
Write about strangers.
Write about singledom; the pleasures and sorrows of freedom. 
Write about travel, of seeing the wonders of the world.
Write about music.
Write about books.
Write about writing.
Write life.

D is for Daily

You may recall when I first started this series just a few weeks ago, I gave a brief account of the different types of writing I'd done. From writing blog posts and copywriting professionally to bearing my soul in love letters... it was all in there. It was all writing in one form or another.

More than that, though, they were examples of how the everyday world can present us with opportunities to write. Further ones include office emails, text messages, personal emails, reports, comments on Facebook, tweets on Twitter, blog posts, selling stuff on eBay, reviewing purchases on Amazon and applying for jobs.

Practice makes perfect, so even if it's something trivial like an email you should try to write every day if you can. It all helps. It doesn't always have to be something that you'll publish, not by a long shot. Just write. The more you write, the better you'll get; the better you get, the easier you can connect with the reader, make them feel something special. Ah the power of words... *sigh*

Don't think of writing as a chore (especially not the love letters!). Do it out of love. Brighten up your prose, not bash out boilerplate. Polish your punctuation instead of making your reader join the dots - or rather, the commas and full stops. Get a grip on your grammar and spoil the pedants' fun! 

If I were a nutritionist, I'd tell you to eat five pieces of fruit and veg a day (not including Wine Gums and mince pies) to stay healthy. Fortunately for you, I'm a blogger, so I'm suggesting that you write something at least once per day instead.  

This will keep your writing in good health. Not only that, it will keep your mind so too, which, in the binge drinking age, is definitely something to write home about!

C is for Concise

First a quick story...

If I cast my mind back to the days of my English Language A-level classes (seems so long ago), there's one exercise which has always stood out. 

In it we read a long, rambling letter about NHS funding. We then had to summarise each paragraph in as few words as possible.

There was one particular paragraph, packed full of long words and linguistic clutter, and it lasted some five or six lines. I can still remember the teacher, with a deadpan expression, chopping it down to just two words: 'Needs money'. Masterful!

The moral of the story: be concise
Fluff is something that you either pick out of your belly button or hoover up off of the carpet. There's no room for it in writing.  

Be concise. Don't use three words where one will do, especially if you're writing advertising copy. For instance, why say 'make a decision' when you can simply write 'decide'? 

Strip away adjectives if they don't add anything to the text. Don't write 'hit somebody hard'. The beauty of the English language is we have a whole load of colourful expressions for acts of violence. So why 'hit someone hard' when, instead, you can slug 'em, crack 'em one, thump 'em or lamp 'em! Bit colloquial, I know, but you get the picture. 

The more concise you are, the easier you'll get your message across. Bury it in a mound of adjectives and set verb + noun phrases, and mix it up with some lousy punctuation, and your message will be lost. Not only that, so will your reader. Ouch!  

B is for Blogging

Are bloggers journalists? 

It's the great debate. Bloggers, journalists and a host of other professionals will still be arguing this one on their death bed. My personal opinion - who cares?

For me, the truly magical thing about blogging is that you have your own little corner of the web. It's a place where you can write for fun and discuss your own interests (with people who share the same ones), get something of your mind, even give yourself a bit of DIY work experience, or make a little money for yourself.  

Whether for business or pleasure, you should write a blog. It's the ideal way to hone your writing skills and also to find out if you have what it takes. You learn to express yourself. You develop your own style. You learn how to write for a particular type of audience. Whatever lights their fire, you'll learn how to deliver it.

Just one question: how do you write a blog?
That's a darned good question! I mentioned in the A section that you should know your audience. If you know them, write for them. Discuss the things that interest them. 

The simplest way to do this is by choosing a theme for your blog. This could be a hobby of yours, such as martial arts or photography. You could also write a blog about your profession, such as marketing, computing or teaching.

A blog can be about anything, really, but remember that writing consistently about a subject that readers are interested in is the easiest way to build up a following. You'll also become known as an expert on the area. And we all like to hear from someone who knows what they're talking about.

How long should the posts be?

There's no hard, fast rule about how long your blog posts should be, but the general convention is 200 to 400 words. They can can be longer if you wish, but avoid writing posts of 1 000 words or more (unless you want to lose readers). If a particular topic requires lengthy posts, you can split it up into a series. (Brownie points for me for following my own advice!)

Make your posts easier to read by splitting them up with subheadings. When reading texts on the Net, people tend to skim-read them first to see if the content is useful to them. If it is, they'll read the whole thing. The subheadings will steer the reader gently through the text, and the easier your post is to read the more chance you have of people reading them.  

Feel free to break up texts with pictures, too. They add colour to the post. Besides, visually, long blocks of text just ain't schmexy!  

On a final note... Do your put your own picture in?

You'll notice that I have put my picture on this blog. The face behind the words. However, the late Italian writer Italo Calvino believed that if writers kept from making public appearances, their work took on more authority. He had a point, but really, what harm can it do? Just enjoy yourself.

The first in a new series...

I've been writing for a long time now. It's something I've always done, in one way or another. 

First it was a spoof diary back in the school days. 

Then in the college years, and even before then, I was scribbling letters by good ole snail mail to penpals. 

'A' levels out of the way, I was free to contribute to the student newspaper in my uni days. Email was also starting to become a friend of mine. There were the love letters, too.... Loves that are lost now. Only the memory remains. 

Now we're in the digital era, my writing has turned to copywriting and blogging. Both are fun. 

So yes, I feel I've a fair bit of experience in the writing department, either from writing professionally, writing as an amateur or writing from what life has given me. People have said I do it well. Some have asked me how I do it. All I can say is I have passion for it. I've indulged it by reading, reading about writing, and by writing, and I've decided to share a few things I've picked up along the way.

I'd like to kick off the first in my own little A to Z of writing tips. The series will do what it says on the tin. Like all good A to Zs, why not start with the letter A?

A is for Audience

It's a golden rule, especially in advertising, that you should think about who (or, if we're going to split grammatical hairs, for whom) you're writing for. Know your audience. What do they like? What makes your blog, column or stories so special that they're reading your work instead of someone else?

Knowing your audience will keep you and your writing focused on the task, or better said, the text in hand. It'll help you provide useful, engaging content that speaks to them, instead of generic, mind-numbing drivel that talks at them.

Our parents always warn us when we're young not to talk to strangers. That applies to writing too. Find out who your audience are, learn about their likes and dislikes and, even though you might not have met them, they won't be strangers to you any more. More importantly, when they read your writing nor will you feel like them one to them. 

Be careful what you wish for

Some people take to everything they do like a duck to water. Not me. I have to work at it (I get there in the end).

Some people sail through their exams without reading a word. Not me. I have to study, and study hard I do (again I make it).

Some people get all the girls. They only have to look at them and they fall at their feet. Not me. I've lost count of the times I've been a third wheel, a gooseberry, a (drunken) wallflower. 

And some people just have it all: gorgeous wife, good job, kids, a mortgage; everything society has taught us to want out of life. 

But you know what? It doesn't bother me. I enjoy my job and have money in my pocket. I don't mind the single life. I get on well with my colleagues. I have friends and family (all are well). I have hobbies.  

I have simple pleasures. Despite not having certain things or capabilities, I don't want what someone else has or wish I was like them. I celebrate their happiness in my head, and feel happy with my lot.   

The great Oscar Wilde said there are two tragedies in life: one is not getting everything you want, the other is getting it.

He was right. If you can be content, you can be happier. 

That puts me in a good place, then.

'It's not you, it's me'

There was a time when I was impatient to log in to Facebook and see what was going on, see people's pictures of the night before the morning after, of the birthdays I couldn't be there for, of the newborn babies I couldn't hold and other such happy moments. 

But now I've fallen out of love with Facebook. After several updates in which Facebook has changed my privacy settings to 'Public' without my say-so, I've started phasing the once-good book out of my life. 

And not content to lock horns with just Google, Facebook plans to take on Twitter with some hashtag functions of its own. The chances are once Facebook gets its own function up and running, my news and views will yet again be open to all and sundry. 

But having a Facebook account is like having a passport. Everyone has one. So I'll be keeping my account for the sake of keeping in touch with my friends and family. 

Driven into the arms of another
Many entries ago, I declared my love for Facebook. Twitter was the one playing gooseberry. My how they've traded places since then.

Twitter is more open. When I tweet I already know the whole world can see it, and that they can see it because it's my decision - not Facebook's - to let them. There aren't any secrets between Twitter and I, and anything that happens between us stays between us.

So Twitter has stolen my heart, though I suppose one day I'll come crawling back to Facebook. 

The thing is, love is hard to find but easy to lose. Things just won't be the same again between the two of us. 

It's hard to love someone you don't trust anymore.  

Choosing Life II

And so our hero continues to choose life. 

Yep, with my cold out of the way, I've taken my first steps towards being more active. Was originally going to take up rollerblading, but before I could pick up the phone for classes something else caught my eye: judo! I wanted to do something that was fun, interesting and would improve my overall strength and fitness, and judo fitted the bill perfectly. 

I'm the first to confess I'm a wimp. But I'm a wimp with heart. Of course, when it comes to the martial arts and combat sports, heart will see you through. That's if the movies are anything to go by - which they aren't. Good technique and dedication, on the other hand, will take you far. 

So there I was last night at my first class, learning to grapple, to escape different holds and to block attacks. It was fun. It was intense. It was physical. I've got to tell you, being thrown around has never felt so liberating!

The next class is tomorrow and I'm looking forward to the discipline, techniques and the fitness that lie ahead for me by learning judo. I'm looking forward to making new friends. I'm looking forward to, one day, even competing. 

Or simply, I'm looking forward to the journey.

Choosing Life

... And so another New Year begins, and our hero finds himself with yet another series of good intentions.

This year I decided to:

• Cut down on chocolate
• Do more exercise and be more active
• Join a club and make a few new friends (several are married off and with child now) 
• Learn to drive. 

So how's it going so far?

Give up chocolate? Never

Says it all really. I've gotta be honest with you, my friend, I love chocolate too much. You've heard the Queen song 'I'm in Love with my Car'? Well, for me, it's 'I'm in Love with my Chocolate Bar'!

If you're shaking your head, tutting in disgust or both, you try resisting the big bags of Maltesers at half price. Go on. I dare ya!

But it's not all bad news. I've cut down on caffeine, I'm drinking more water and eating more fruit. I've also given up the Greggs breakfast sausage rolls, exchanging them for bananas instead. Oh and my skin condition is clearing up slightly too. Hooray!

Me? Exercise?

I used to be really active. In my twenties, it was running and the gym. In my early thirties, it was the gym, spinning classes, which I particularly loved, and swimming. For the benefit of the tape, I promise I wasn't splashing round in the pool. Oh okay, just a little bit, then....!

These days not so, but I'm trying to change that. Was struck down with flu on New Year's Day, which just about wiped me about for the next few days. Still got a vicious cough that won't go away, no matter how much medicine and flu capsules I hammer it with.

So at the moment, I walk both to and from work instead of catching the bus, which is an hour each way on these short legs of mine. As soon as this cough goes on its way, I'll be enrolling in my rollerblading lessons. Been wanting to rollerblade for some time now, but I'm not steady enough to make a hasty exit from the kids at the skate park in Gorgie or be sure I won't end up under a bus! I'll also be swimming again (safer!).

Friends to the End
Poor health is no excuse for not making friends. Managed to indulge myself further in my horror film interest and joined the city's horror film society. Went out for a pint the other night, followed by a gallon of Diet Coke in front of the family film that is The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2013 in 3D. Slightly weird and unrealistic ending, but still worth going to see. Not that I minded - I have new friends! Hooray again!

When Driven, Maybe I'll be Smitten!
Not made any progress on this front yet. Not sure what's stopping me either. Maybe once I get behind the wheel, I'll be smitten. It's just getting over that first hurdle: the telephone!

Oh well, in terms of keeping to my New Year's resolutions - revolutions, anyone? - 2013 has been a mixed bag so far. Of course, I'm getting older, so I'd better get cracking with them.

Thankfully, though, the year is still very young. Hopefully, I'll have some good news to ring in 2014 with.

Watch this (thinner) space! 

I'm a Christmas Shopper, Get Me Out of Here!

'Tis the season of bah humbug, 'twould appear. Always makes me laugh how grumpy people get toward Christmas. Seems to be becoming an annual pain in the proverbial for some - up there with filling in tax returns and spring cleaning. 

But soon Christmas Eve arrives and it's marvellous. Getting together with your mates, having a few beers and a laugh, and collectively hoping you can manage Christmas dinner the next day (yes, you will, you always have done). 

You make it to Christmas Day and, again, it's magical. Gorging on turkey and Quality Street, opening presents with family and seeing the delight / disappointment on their faces at your amazing/awful gift, and laughing at near-the-knuckle innuendos with words like 'giblets' and 'stuffing'. All in a nice warm sitting room. Lovely! 

Then there's Boxing Day for the post-Christmas Day hangover. Not me. I stay fresh. Second day of turkey and on to selection box number two already, and finding ways to pack up my presents for heading back up to bonny Scotland.  

Storm Before the Calm

But before all that, you have to get your presents. Last year I proposed the strategy of buying something practical plus a gift card for a win-win situation. It worked!

This year I'm wondering, what's the best way to do your Christmas shopping? Bit by bit, a big push in the final week or online?

Option A: Here a bit, there a bit

My own personal 'preference'. Wrap up warm and hit the high street, a little each time! 

The pros:

• I always come back with something nice for myself too
• I treat myself to lunch or a two-hour coffee break for all my hard graft
• I can see what I'm buying
• I get to laugh at other people getting grumpy. Heard several people dropping the F-bomb today!       

The cons:

• Queues
• Lots of pushing
• Having to dodge all kinds of chuggers, brass bands and what not on the main streets, in shop doorways, etc.

Option B: The Massive Push

Some people's preferred option is to do it all in one foul sweep the night before Christmas. I salute them!

The pros:

• More free time for you
• Getting it all done in the aforementioned foul swoop!

The cons:

• Higher stress levels
• Still have to cope with queues and people pushing
• Still have to avoid chuggers, brass bands and all other what not on main streets, in shop doorways, etc.

Option C: The Safe Haven of Amazon

Some people opt of the stress-free environment of Amazon and other online stores. Liking those apples!

The pros:

• Sometimes cheaper
• Avoids crowds, queues and chuggers, or even crowds of chuggers!
• Less hassle

The cons

• Pray the online company delivers on time
• You don't see what you buy until it arrives
• You can't laugh at other people getting highly strung over Christmas!

Just a few things to ponder for drawing up your plan of (no) action for Christmas shopping. 

Whichever you choose, though, just enjoy the smile on the recipient's face when they open your present. Resist the urge to say 'I went through hell to get that!'. Who knows? They might have been to hell AND back for yours!

Phyllis

I read a while back that there's no such thing as ghosts. It's funny how fiction can also contain elements of reality. 

This was in one of my beloved detective novels, of all things. In it, the main character comments that ghosts come from within. He feels they're a product of our fears, our worries or our sufferings, and our mind creates them to comfort us. 

It makes me wonder about a dream I had recently about you, Nana. You were in it, certainly. But were you in the room with me too? I dreamed you were hugging me. I could even feel something holding me.  

I even thought I saw you. The person in the dream - it was Edna - told me that the noises I could hear while I was sleeping were coming from you as you tidied my room. Why you were tidying my room, I don't know, but I didn't mind. I opened my eyes for a split second, but I don't know if this was in the dream or in real life, and there you were, making a right old racket. You were wearing your lilac outfit. 

I was in such a deep sleep I can't be sure, so maybe it was all just a pleasantly lucid dream.  But it's the second time I've had such a dream and felt you were there. Do you come to see me? Are you watching over me? 

I hope so. I wish I could see you.

How I wish I could see you and know that the novel is wrong.I guess I'll never.

Unlosing my Religion

If I say name two religions, the first two that pop into your head are probably Christianity and Islam. 

But apparently, there are over 10,000 separate religions, according to Microtrends, a smashing book I'm reading at the moment. This was at the time of writing, so you can be sure this number has risen by several thousand since then. 

Use the Force
The thing I found most interesting in all of this is that research shows two or three new religions are being created every day. Delightful! People are actually creating their own religions!

One that springs to mind immediately, of course, is the Jedi Faith. If you thought Brighton was just home to a thriving gay community, think again. Visit the Jedi Church website (www.jedichurch.org) and you'll find that 2% of Brighton's population believe in the Force.

So for a bit of fun, I typed in the search terms "weird religions", "strange religions" and "quirky religions" on Google. (Some people steal cars for fun, some do drugs... Me? I google stuff!) 

Here are a few I found. After reading some of these, you can't help but thank some divine being or other for free speech!

Apatheism
Or the religion of not giving a monkey's whether God exists or not, in other words! If God walked into an apatheist's house, looking to make a big entrance, and rustled up a spaghetti bolognese for them, the only reaction He'd get is 'Hmmmm, nice but could have done with a little more tomato in the sauce.

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monsters (Pastafarianism)
Officially registered, this strange religion believes the Flying Spaghetti Monster, working alongside pirates, brought the good there is on Earth. Their explanation for why the world is in moral decay - there's not enough pirates! The most evil people on the earth, according to them - gay people who give sweets to others. Oh dear!

The Prince Philip Movement (my personal favourite!)
Famous here for putting his foot in it, in another part of the world the Duke of Edinburgh is actually a divine being. To the Yaohnanen tribe on the island of Tanna, in Vanuatu, he - 'He', anyone? - is the son of a mountain spirit and a brother of John Frum (oh him, right!), some guy who was associated with cargo cults.

So next time you he's in the news for insulting deaf people or whatever, remember those words are gospel to others!

Which gets me thinking...
If you were to start your own religion, who or what would you worship? My friends will tell you I really have it bad for chocolate, so I think I'd have to pledge my allegiance to the Church of Cadburys. In fact, some might say I'm already there! 

You know what? Maybe I should. Enjoying chocolate wouldn't feel so sinful, then. Instead, I'd be just performing my religious duties. And whenever I was tempted to stray from the flock by dieting, one of the other followers could 'find' me again with a Caramel!

I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves... I know a song that'll get on your nerves...

I love seeing how other human beings interact and what makes them tick. Finding out if I have anything in common with others around me. Hearing about their interests, what they they do for fun and what they do for a living. What experiences they've had in life... where they come from and where they've been. I love it all.

And I like discovering their personality traits. I love discovering other people's quirks. It's funny how we're all different and how random we can all be. So when someone voices a random displeasure, normally by saying something like 'Sorry, but it just bugs me' or 'Sorry, but I just can't stand them', they've no need to apologise really. Because I love it!

I have one friend, for instance, who suddenly becomes impatient when she travels by train. Everywhere else she's as calm as the day is long, but as soon as she steps on the train her mannerisms change. Oh the human psyche!

So, in no particular order, here are a few random things that irk me.

Two pound coins
Hate these little blighters. These loathsome bits of metal imposed themselves upon the British currency in 1998. Fourteen years later and I still can't stand them.

Living in a city where you always have to exactly the right money for the bus fare, the two pound coin is the most infuriating invention ever. Hate getting them back in my change when I've purposely spent money just to have a pound coin for the bus.  

Whoever invented the two pound coin is clearly not from Edinburgh. Or maybe he or she is driven by chauffeur and just wants to wind the rest of us up. They're doing a good job if that's the case.

High heels
Controversial, but I'm throwing it out there! The ladies want to look a little taller. Fair play. At 5 ft 6 in I can empathise with that. But at the same time, what possessed the inventor to design a shoe that hurts the wearer. All that pressure on the heels ain't good for the spine, and on nights out heels hurt, especially when you cut a few shapes (and probably the back of your heels along with them!).

One of the worst inventions of all time in my eyes. That said, people who can walk on stilts impress me! Go figure!

Hob Nobs
Now a lot of you may be wondering what I have against this seemingly innocent biscuit! Well, I don't particularly like the taste or texture. Hob Nobs don't have the courage of their convictions to be a flapjack, nor to be a chocolate digestive, so they just fob the eater off with something between the two. Such a cowardly biscuit and a fence-sitter if ever there was one!

Then there's the discussion they caused between workers in the staff canteen. When asked which was the better biscuit out of Hob Nobs or chocolate Digestives, the Hob Nob roundly trounced the poor choccie Digestive. Couldn't believe it! What kind of world do we live in when people prefer a biscuit that has an identity crisis hahaha!

Button-up flies
Up there with high heels as one of the worst inventions ever. I'm a zip man all the way! Many a time I've been caught short and, once I finally made it to the bathroom, had to fight it out with the buttons on my flies. Not yet embarrassed myself that way, but there have been a few close calls! Some people don't like lace-up shoes; I'm anti-button-up flies! Kids say no!

So there we have it, guys and girls, ladies and gentlemen. Just a few of the daft little things that get under my skin! I'm not a fan of ranty blogs at all, but every now and then it's okay to have a rant, in my opinion, as long as you do it with humour. But be warned if you open a packet of Hob Nobs in front of me. It could all kick off haha! 

What are your daft pet hates? Go on. Spill 'em! You're not chicken, are you!

All the nice ones are taken!

All the nice ones are taken, aren't they! Life gives some other young stallion the good fortune to meet (and hook up with or marry) that one person who really lights your fire. It amuses itself by giving you a good, hard kick in the nuts like that!

Of course, you don't always instantly know the object of your affections is attached. How many times have you asked someone out but been shot down in flames with a 'Sorry, but I'm already seeing someone'? Not quite the reply you were hoping for, so you stammer a little, blush a little, apologise and be on your way.

So today I'm here to point out a few signs that a guy or girl might be single, help you avoid asking out people who are already in a relationship and, into the bargain, transform you into sleuths of the dating world! 

1. Look and listen
If they work with you or are part of your social group, keep your ears open during conversation. Amongst the talk of sport or technology, or of shoes and shopping, and all the other stuff of interest to the opposite sex, there may be mention of 'the wife', 'the missus', 'my lass / my lad', 'my bird' or of having to pick the kids up from school. All clear signs they're off limits - officially, at least. 

Obviously, check for rings, too.  If there's light bouncing off their ring finger into your eyes and blinding you, that's a pretty good sign, I'd say, to stay away!

2. Check their supermarket trolley
You see them ambling down the fruit and veg section with their trolley, looking good enough to eat. But how do you know if they have an other half?

Check the trolley for tell-tale signs. Are they buying nappies, baby food or anything else that suggests they're a family guy or gal? If so. On the other hand, they could be just some kind of deranged pervert who enjoys wearing nappies and dines on baby food!

Now, my trolley, for instance, tends to be stuffed with crisps, chocolate, microwave meals and frozen foods such as fish fingers, crispy pancakes, chicken burgers or good ole Bernard Matthews's turkey burgers. Fairly indicative signs that a) I'm single and b) I have a penchant for eating crap. A girlfriend would have me eating healthy, wholesome food. Right now it ain't happening, so pounce on me, ladies!

3. Observe their clothes
This one applies more to girls seeking guys. You have a feeling there's a wife or girlfriend in the picture somewhere, darnit. How can you confirm it?

Check out his clothes. Does he look like he dressed in the dark? Do his clothes date back to the 60s? If he's dressed like a deck chair or one of the Famous Five, the chances are he has no lady by his side to act as a fashion consultant. So swoop in there!

Believe it or not, there are guys out there who know how to dress themselves. A rare breed, indeed, and maybe you've stumbled on one. Are, however, his clothes all creased and crinkled? I'm pretty lousy  at ironing. In fact, not pretty lousy... just plain lousy! I do my best, but if there's a lady willing to iron a shirt for me, then I'll seize that opportunity with both hands!

So if he looks like he's ironed his clothes with a sledgehammer, either he actually has or, more probably, he's single and just doesn't know how to iron. Snap him up, ladies, and also show him to iron!

It's all good 
If you've followed this blog for a while, you'll have sensed that single life is a long-running theme in it. Yeah, there are times when I'm less okay with it than others, but for the record, I'm finding it pretty cool. It allows me to write fun articles like this one. Oh and again for the record, if you should catch me peeping at your trolley, don't assume I'm analysing your status. I have a vendetta against Hob-Nobs.  

The Colour of Me II

Pleased to say I solved a recent pickle I encountered as a single guy in a clothes shop and documented loosely on this blog just recently. Whoop whoop!

I chose a nice, burgundy tie to go with my navy blue suit and so looked just as smart as all the other wedding guests. Maybe I undid the hard work later with my lousy dancing... who knows, though I did refrain from tying my tie round my head Rambo-style!

At the time of writing that post, I remember thinking I could have done with the female touch to help me choose the right colour and tone of tie. A couple of days later, however, something happened that changed all that.

As I drifted up and down the tie section, sliding ties off of the rack to see if they went with the navy blue jacket in the shop, I noticed another young lad (my how I flatter myself, I know!) with his girlfriend. also looking for a tie. He picked up various ties, to which she commented, 'No, you need a darker tone if it's a grey suit', 'No, you're certainly not wearing spots with pin stripes' and, somewhat more brutally, 'Don't even bother with that one.'

Somewhat publicly reprimanded for his taste in ties, and looking slightly crestfallen, he hung them all back on their respective racks and left it to her to do the choosing. And in that moment, I suddenly realised I was grateful for my freedom as a single male, even though the circumstances that caused it had been unpleasant. If I want to dress as if I've done so in the dark, I can now (not that I want to, of course!).

It all reminded me that, even though it's been two years now, maybe I can still get used to this singles jazz after all.

I'll try.

Take me away!

Both friends and family have told me I need to learn to cook. No girl wants a man who can't cook, some say. And now that I'm back on the singles market, I guess I should - if not for a lady then at least for myself. No good two people starving. Besides, no woman wants a guy who's malnourished.... yeah yeah, we get the picture!

One thing I don't get, however...

Is is the (cruel) nature of the human appetite. Naturally, you can't eat takeaway day in, day out. For the record, I don't, but it doesn't stop me from having spells when I eat more than I normally would. Then I feel bad for eating so much junk and decide to cut down.

So I go to the supermarket, grab a trolley and go wild in the aisles. I pay for my shopping, then clear off feeling great. Check out the willpower on me!

But then something mysterious happens. The next day, despite having a fridge full of food, I feel like takeaway! All that lovely food and now I can't be bothered to prepare it. Before I know it I'm ordering a Texas BBQ in Domino's pizza parlour! Such is life.

Now, suppose I eventually master the dark art of cookery and, in turn, cut down on takeaway. Suppose that I also meet a nice young lady. Will I cook for her? Chances are I won't. Why?

Because I'll be too busy whisking her away down to fancy restaurants! And if not fancy restaurants, in an effort to spend quality time together, we'll probably be getting some takeaway in and curl up in front of a DVD.

Lessons

I think there are some valuable lessons to be learned from all this!

Lesson 1: Don't go shopping so often. The food in your fridge will only go to waste eventually! You can't fight the takeaway industry... nobody can. It's too powerful!

Lesson 2: People think you put yourself in an early grave if you eat takeaway a lot. But why waste hours in the kitchen, cooking, when you be done in 10 minutes and doing something else? Add up all those hours spent in the kitchen a year. Conclusion: you're wasting your life!

Lesson 3: Maybe you can dazzle a woman with your cookery skills, but it ain't necessarily so. I'll bet if you can recommend a good restaurant, or even a decent takeaway, you can just as easily be a culinary hero! 

And so we have it. Cooking and singles don't really go together, and takeaways weren't just for single people who can't cook! They're for couples who can't be bothered and singles who want to impress their suitors with their culinary knowledge!

The Colour of Me

No matter how much you enjoy your freedom, there are times when you realise how single you are: weddings fly straight in at no 1, followed by funerals, christenings and nights out with friends (if you're the wallflower).

You've probably guessed all of these already. There is, however, one other time when your single-dom hits you like a juggernaut: clothes shopping!

That's right... It's the awkward moment when you're by yourself, you're in a clothes shop and you don't know which colours go together, so you have to ask the (good-looking) shop assistant to help you coordinate them.

Then there's the solitary process of trying the clothes on in the changing cubicle. You take them on and off a million times, trying to decide a) if they fit and b) if so, do they suit you?

While the other guys pull back the curtain for their wife or girlfriend's opinion, you peep out shyly from behind the curtain to see if the pretty shop assistant is nearby hanging up clothes or something. Affirmative. Only then do you draw it back and ask  'Are the sleeves too big or too small?' - the male equivalent of asking 'Does my bum look big in this?'.

She says no, then asks if there's anything else she can help you with. You say no, and as you walk to the counter to pay for your new clothes, you realise you need a woman's touch. We men may learn how to dress ourselves when we're kids, but we'll be learning dress sense forever!

The witty Mark Twain famously said, 'I never let schooling interfere with my education.' So if someone should lift me off the singles market this year, then, having chosen my own clothes and learned to coordinate colours a little better, I can at least wear a badge with 'Zara -Class of 2012' emblazoned on it.

Literature to hold your hand

Being a man of letters, I'm probably biased when I say books are the best thing since sliced bread. If I'd been a number cruncher, I'd have said it was algebra, a scary thought to anyone's mind (except mathematicians, of course).

And I said so because of the power of books to educate us not only with facts and figures, but about life itself.

You know how just when you're going through a break-up or other painful experience, the radio plays the most crushingly relevant song possible (for me it was the Human League's Don't You Want Me every day after I got the elbow! Ouch!). It occurred to me that books do the same.

I was reading one of my beloved Orhan Pahmuk's novels a month ago, when I suddenly found myself nodding my head. I paused, put the book down for a moment and thought 'This guy knows what it's all about.'

Pahmuk isn't the only one who's had this effect on me. Paulo Coelho has also offered timely words in the past. It's as if they've both lived before, have seen all of life's pitfalls and now, following this dressed rehearsal, can show us how to live a happy - or happier - life.

Have you discovered any fiction writers who you felt could steer you through life? I'd be interested to hear what both you and they had to say.

I wish you all the Bs for the next Olympics

Roll on, Rio 2016! 

The London 2012 Olympic Games got off to a slightly farcical start, with accusations of doping, the match fixing scandal and Boz Johnson getting caught in a zip wire. Later on, they took on the bitter taste of sour grapes towards the end with a rift between Bolt and Lewis, but in spite of all this they were still a rip-roaring success. 

Our opening ceremony gave us Bond, Bean and Beth II (as in Queen Eliza), then we wheeled out Sir Paul McCartney for a chorus of na-na-na-nanananas in a celebration of our Britishness. And we closed the Games by proving something that all Brits have known since time immemorial: that Liam Gallagher still needs brother Noel. 

But best of all, Team GB won a serious amount of medals in between. Anyone who says the medals don't remind them of those chocolate coins you get at Christmas time, incidentally, is a big fat liar! 

Elsewhere during the Games, there was the suggestion of a campaign for darts to become an Olympic sport. Being a darts fan, I'd like to see that. If I'm honest, though, I can't really see it happening.  

That brought me round to thinking about what I'd like to see become an Olympic sport. The youth in me would love to see rollerblading become part of the Games. Would be great to see more of the international community introduced to Brian Aragon! 

It would be interesting to see if any countries in particular excelled at it, too. Kenya produces terrific long distance runners, just as Britain produced Cram, Coe and Evett in the glory days of British middle-distance running (bring them back!). 

Then those who have given up on the English football team could invest their hopes in a national rollerblading team instead! With this in mind, would you like to see in the Olympics?